My blog has become somewhat of a ghost town. I think about things I need to vent about, and get off my chest on an almost daily basis. But, actually sitting down and taking the time to type it all out seems to never happen. Sure, I could write it all out on my iphone while I'm nursing Wyatt for the 5,000th time of the day, but I loathe writing posts on my phone. It's not for me.
Nothing major has happened or changed since the last time I blogged two months ago. Wyatt is now 5 months old! FIVE MONTHS! How the???? Taylor is 5 months away from being 5 YEARS old! I just can't even handle that. My baby is no longer a baby, and she'll let you know it too. I've been getting used to life with two children. It's busy. It's exhausting. It's extremely demanding. It's dirty. But, it's also the most rewarding and by far my biggest accomplishment. I have days where I just want to pull what little bit of hair I have left out (thanks postpartum) and run away for a hot minute. But, then I remember how good I have it. I have two healthy miracles who love me more than anything. And, I'm lucky enough to get to stay home with them everyday. Staying home isn't for everyone, and I wasn't sure if it was going to be for me, but now I couldn't imagine my life any other way.
Wyatt is growing up so fast. He already has two bottom teeth. He can now roll from back to tummy, give a good laugh, sit up straight in his Bumbo, and reach and grab for EVERYTHING. It's crazy how fast little babies develop new skills. It seems like just yesterday I was watching Taylor do all these same things. Now, she's learning to write letters and spell words. She jumps off of her swing set, and is learning the fundamental skills of ballet and tap.
Wyatt is nowhere near "sleeping through the night". NOT.EVEN.CLOSE. I'm super lucky if he goes more than 4 hours. For awhile, I was stressing about it. Like Googling far too much! I was severely sleep deprived and it was starting to affect me personally as well as my marriage. I was reading all the books and all the blogs of how to get him to sleep better. Well, after a little bit of Ferberizing, he now naps a little better. And, he's waking 2-4 times a night instead of 4-6. So, we have improvement. Best of all, he will now take a bottle for Jake during one of the night feedings. This is HUGE, and it allows me to skip one of the feedings, even though I briefly wake up still. For the most part, he's a happy, super smiley little guy despite his lack of sleep, so I've kind of just thrown in the towel and given up trying to control the situation.
What little time I do have to reflect, I've come to believe that Wyatt's whole journey has encouraged me to let go. To learn that I'm not in control. To not worry so much about everything being perfect. To not sweat the small stuff. To become a more relaxed person. When we first started TTC, I tried to control the exact month that our second child would be born. I was sure that it wouldn't be an issue as we had TTC for 5 months before, so clearly I was an expert. LOL. Once we started struggling and realized that having a second child wasn't going to be easy, I tried to do everything in my power to get pregnant. Perfect diet. Perfect weight. Perfect timing. Trying to perfect everything didn't get me anywhere. In fact, it just made me bat shit crazy. For our first two IVF cycles, I did everything textbook. I again, didn't want to take any chances of messing anything up. Well, that ended in a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy. Obviously, I'm not in control. I had planned for the last cycle to be in the fall. Well, other set plans feel through and things allowed for me to be able to begin our last attempt in the summer. Hesitant to deviate from the plan, I decided to go with it. The rest of the cycle I did things I didn't do before. I exercised harder at the gym prior to transfer. After the transfer, I still went to the gym. I even drank a couple of beers. I drank
caffeinated coffee on the daily. I even helped a friend install a convertible car seat (pain in the freaking ass) 2 dpt. Lo and behold, I was pregnant, with a viable heartbeat. Later, I fantasized about a VBAC. Not that I had any problem with my c/s with Taylor, but I figured as long as he was head down, there wouldn't be any reason to at least try. Well, little Wyatt was frank breech from like 14 weeks on. Again, I had to let go. Unlike his big sissy, Wyatt is not a natural schedule follower, or even routine follower for that matter. Taylor was pretty predictable. She would fall asleep at the same time. Sleep for the same amount of time. Wake up at the same time. She is still that way. Wyatt does none of that. This has been, and still is, very hard for me to get used to. But, I'm getting there. I just keep reminding myself that he won't wake up 2-4 times a night when he's 2,3,4.... or at least I hope he wont. I keep reminding myself that Wyatt is here to teach me these things, and to make me a better person. That it doesn't really matter if he sleeps as long as he's supposed to according to some "expert". I'm doing the best I can to keep my kids happy and healthy and that's all that matters.
**When I re-read this very long paragraph back to myself, it sounds like I'm saying if I would have "just relaxed" and "let go of attc" then I would have gotten pregnant. Or, that I tried to control everything and THAT is why I didn't get pregnant naturally. I am 175% NOT SAYING THAT. So, I hope any of you reading this don't take that message away. I do NOT at all believe that me "just relaxing" would have gotten me pregnant. Yes, me relaxing a little bit during the whole infertility process probably would have saved me some rough nights of crying, hurt, and time..... but anyone who has gone through infertility knows that it's kind of hard to just sit back and "relax". Please know this is not the message I'm trying to convey.**
In my last post I wrote about stopping my Zoloft for PPD. Well, that lasted all of a few days. After a couple of very bad breakdowns, Jake and I decided I needed to get back on the Zoloft. I'm still on the lowest dose, and having great success. PPD is no joke. Especially when you already had prior depression and anxiety issues. I wish I didn't have to take the meds, and could just be "normal". But, if I didn't take them, I wouldn't be my best self. And, I'm pretty sure my marriage would suffer greatly. So, for now, I continue my relationship with Mr. Zoloft.
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| her first day of preschool |
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| He loves his jumper |
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| one of the DIY photo shoot pics :) |
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goofball!!!
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I've also been getting back on track with my diet and exercise. I'm not on any type of "diet". I'm just trying to make clean, wholesome choices and watch my portion control. I'm still breastfeeding Wyatt every 2-4 hours around the clock, so cutting calories per say isn't going to happen for a long time. Basically, I track my calories to make sure I'm staying in my target range, and I try to get in a solid workout 2-4 times a week. I've seen progress since I started back up again. Slow progress. But, there is progress and I'm happy with that. I'm still 5-6lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight, but I can fit into most of my old jeans and that's a success in itself. Ideally, I'd like to lose 1-3 more lbs and tone up a little more. And, I'll be happy with that until I fully wean Wyatt. Then, once that happens, getting those last few lbs off should be much easier. Again, I've learned to let go. At first I was stressing not losing the weight as fast as I would like. But, I'm making good choices, and being mindful.... and that's good enough.
Man, blogging (aka journaling) feels good! I forgot how good it makes me feel lol. I need to make an effort to do this more often :)
