Cleared another hurdle

We saw it.  It was there.  A teeny tiny little flicker on the ultrasound screen that Dr. B assured me was a normal looking heartbeat.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I couldn't believe it was real.  There was ONE heart beating inside my uterus and it made me feel on top of the world.  I'm so thankful.  I'm feeling very blessed, relieved, and triumphant.  Simultaneously , I'm still feeling scared, numb, in shock, different. 

Scared that the little heartbeat wont be there next time we go.  Scared that something will go wrong and that my little blueberry size baby will not grow.  I HATE that I'm so scared.  I was NEVER like this with Taylor.  But, I'm not that person/mama anymore.  Infertility has changed me.  Motherhood has changed me. And that is OKAY.

Numb because it still doesn't feel real.  Everyday, with every bout of nausea, exhaustion, or headache, it gets a little  more real.  But it's just different. 

In shock.  I kept telling Jake and myself "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." I was so afraid to get my hopes up more than they already were, that I had already pictured Dr. B telling me he didn't see anything.  So, to hear differently was..... SHOCKING. 

I feel different.  I don't feel like a normal pregnant lady. I don't have the same feelings as I did before.  Yes, I have the same SYMPTOMS, but not the same FEELINGS, if that makes any sense.  We told the world we were pregnant with Taylor after ONE confirmed blood test.  This time, we find ourselves being much more cautious.  Our parents, and one of Jake's brother's knows.  Some of our closest friends know, but other than that, we are still scared to tell.  Which, again, is okay.  I also feel different because I'm stuck in this limbo of "is this really happening" and "is this baby going to be taken away from me?" I imagine, with time, and more reassuring u/s this will get easier. 

I was on pins and needles on the way down there. Then, the last few minutes waiting in the room half naked felt like eternity.  ETERNITY I tell you. I clenched Jake's hand hoping that my body wasn't going to let both of us down. Praying that we see signs of viability.  Luckily, Dr. B came in said "I'm sure your nervous, lets get right to it" and then we chatted about everything after.  I was 7 weeks yesterday.  He said usually if a pregnancy is going to go downhill, it happens by 7 weeks, so we are on the uphill.  But, he also said we aren't out of the woods yet, which I already knew.  I go back on Wednesday, Oct 2nd for another viability scan, and then hopefully I will be released to my local OBGYN. 

Although I still have a lot of fear and worry, that little precious heartbeat surely did lift some of it away.  This is the farthest we've come in 27 cycles of ATTC, and over a year of treatments at the Fertility Clinic.  So, I'm grateful and oh so happy we've made it this far.  Now, all we need if for that sweet little blueberry to continue growing and thrive.  We can do this! We've made it to the heartbeat!

PTSD???

I'm pretty certain that I'm experiencing some degree of PTSD because of my last, unsuccessful pregnancy that ended in m/c.  My PTSD first flared up when I had to relive the whole experience that I talk about here when a D&C was needed after I thought I was already done with the miscarriage process.  In the weeks following that, I had nightmares, I had chest pain, difficulty breathing, I felt numb, was anxiety ridden.... I could go on and on.  Well, for the most part that tapered off.  I feel that to a degree, it's back.  But in a different way.

Last night Jake and I were talking about a local cop who was shot in the head(he survived thankfully)  the other day during a routine pull over.  We were discussing if he was ever back on active duty, how it would seem so hard to not think that every little pull over or confrontation wasn't going to end with someone shooting at your head.  Then, it got me thinking about myself (although my situation is obviously not life threatening) and this fear I have with every second of this pregnancy.  As happy as I am to have made it this far, and as much as I actively try to not worry, and live for the moment.... it's extremely hard for me not to compare to our miscarriage.  Even though I rationally know that this is a different pregnancy and we CAN see a healthy pregnancy at the ultrasound on Monday, I keep imaging that it's going to be exactly the same.  That I'm going to leave completely heartbroken and crushed once again.  It's really hard for me to get past that.......

Today, I'm 6 weeks pregnant.  With the miscarriage, I started bleeding at 6w1d.  For whatever reason, that day is a huge hurdle for me to get past, as irrational as it is.  So, if I wake up tomorrow without any bleeding, that will be one more weight lifted off my shoulders.  Then, I just have to make it to the ultrasound where I SHOULD be far enough along to see a heartbeat.  I really feel after I see that little flicker on the screen, I will have a lot more peace and confidence and a lot less worry. 

I've been having so many great signs of a healthy pregnancy, and I'm really holding on to those: all day nausea, food aversions, bloating, tired, sore boobs, increased sense of smell, and crazy changes in emotions.  The nausea/morning sickness seems to be getting stronger and stronger.... which is A-OK with me. 

I pinned all these quotes about worrying ruining things.... I have one on my phone as the screensaver and I try to look at them multiple times a day to remind myself that worrying WILL NOT change the outcome....... It helps.... even if it's just for a second



 



And, a little Bob....

 



Beta #2

Beta #1 (10dpt)- 433
Beta #2(14dpt) - 3800

It's safe to say that, right now, I'm STILL pregnant.  Our numbers more than doubled and Dr. B is very happy and comfortable with the hcg numbers.   Our first ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, September 23rd.   It's going to be a long 12 days waiting to see if this in face a viable pregnancy.  The high beta numbers have made me a little more comfortable with feeling some joy, but I'm still very guarded.  I really need to have an ultrasound.  I need to see a heartbeat. 

I've been having my fair share of early pregnancy symptoms.... all day nausea, increased sense of smell, sore tatas, hungry..... OMG I'm so hungry, tired all day, but then I can't sleep when it's time.  And, this time, I know it's more pregnancy related than progesterone related.  This cycle, I didn't get any of the dreaded progesterone or estrogen side effects EXCEPT for the bloat.  Still got the lovely bloat.  I'm extremely happy and excited to be having these symptoms.... I'm being 110% honest when I say that I LOVE feeling nauseous, I LOVE LOVE the sore tatas, and being hungry is always fun when you love food like I do!  I started getting sore boobs a week ago, and then the other symptoms kind of crept in after.  The nausea didn't really sink in heavily until yesterday. 

This pregnancy feels so different from our fresh cycle that ended in m/c. My body was so out of it then.  I was getting dizzy spells all the time.  I had horrible side effects from the progesterone that started the day I took it.  This time, my TWW was pretty normal, in fact I felt nothing at all, which led me to believe I would get a BFN.  Then, about a week after I POAS, everything starts to kick in.... and feel exactly like it did when I was pregnant with Tay.  This HAS to be a good sign.  I'm taking it as a good sign of a healthy pregnancy. 

Please keep us in your T&P's as we anxiously wait for our ultrasound.  Hopefully we will see a heartbeat, and we can let Taylor know she is finally going to be a big sister. 

10dpt and the results are in

So much has happened since I last posted, and I literally haven't had enough time to sit and write down any of my thoughts.  But, I've also been struggling with writer's block.  I've had a lot of feelings while in the dreaded TWW, but it's nothing new.  There was nothing major to discuss or vent about, and for the last few days I have basically just been going through the TWW motions.  On top of that, I've been keeping myself extremely busy.  We have preschool, gymnastics, packing and unpacking for a trip to the beach, cooking and baking for a friend who just brought home a baby, cleaning, and very moderate exercising at the gym....... 

This is the Greek yogurt, strawberry, banana, whole wheat breakfast bread I baked up during naptime :)

We got home from our mini Labor Day vacation to Avila Beach, CA on Monday evening (7dpt).  I pretty much already had it made up in my mind late that night that I would poas Tuesday morning, unless I could fight the urge.  AND....... I Couldn't fight the urge, and I'm so happy that I tested.  I saw the most beautiful two lines at 8dpt right after dipping the stick.  

Today was my beta (10dpt) and the number came in at 433!!!!!! I'm so happy for this high, strong number. My RE was also happy and confident in the number.  He said it was right on track for a strong single embryo.  We know that there could very well be two in there, and that's perfectly ok.  But, he strongly feels that it would be very slim that both implant AND make it to heartbeat. 

Honestly, until I got the beta today, I was kinda numb.  Obviously, I was happy, but it was different this time.  I was scared to get excited.  Jake was scared to get excited.  Even though I POAS twice and got incredibly dark lines, I needed to hear that number.  Now, I feel a little more happiness, and little more excitement.  But, I think I will still be worried and guarded until we see a heartbeat... or two. 

I WANT to be a tad more happy and excited about this. Worry free. Blissful.  Ignorant even.  It's not possible to go back to the old me and how I was when I got pregnant with Taylor, but I'm going to make a serious conscious effort to worry less.  To live for the moment.  To enjoy the days that I AM PREGNANT. 

In the past few days, I have really felt the love and support from my real life friends, family, as well as my fellow bloggers and the infertility community.  I've had numerous people email or text me to show me their love and support.  And, that seriously means the WORLD to me.  Thank to all of you from the bottom of my heart who have commented, texted, emailed, prayed, thought happy thoughts, whatever.  I decided to share this journey in the first place to bring awareness and to gain support.  And, I must say, it is definitely working.  I definitely felt the love this cycle, as well as every other cycle.... through both the highs and the lows. 

My next Beta will be Monday or Tuesday.  I can pick the day.  Ideally, Tuesday is better because it gives us one more day to check that things are doubling appropriately.  Plus, Taylor will be at school and I can go to the lab without bringing her in there (what a scary place to bring a toddler).  But, I don't know if I can resist going on Monday...... I'm already resisting to go on Saturday even though my local lab IS open. 

Please continue to pray and think happy thoughts for the little bean(s).  That they stay put and continue to grow accordingly.  That my Beta #2 gives a number that shows a healthy pregnancy.  That I don't start bleeding between now and our first ultrasound.