The two F's

Just some random ramblings from my random brain

 

Friends

 

I adore my friends.  I need my friends. I cherish the memories I've made with friends.  There are all types of friends, and they make our life joyus in different ways.  We have our childhood friends, our college friends, the wives of our husband's friends, the mom's of our child's friends, neighborhood friends, family friends, hobby friends, etc etc etc. Any life changing event (marriage, divorce, parenthood, infertility, cancer, death) alters and changes the dynamics of friendships.  It's hard work to be a friend and to keep friendships. Friendships ebb and flow.  Sometimes they dwindle away, sometimes they grow, sometimes a friendship will go through many mountains and valleys. 

 

I've really been reflecting on how my friendships have evolved since we've opened up about struggling with infertility.  We have a few friends who are extremely supportive.... they give us our space, understand when we can't attend things, don't give unsolicited advice, yet they remember to ask us how we are.  I have a few friends who have made it really hard to stay their friend. But, I will continue to work at the friendship. Why? Because my infertility is NOT their problem or their fault. Yes, they suck at being supportive and knowing when to shut the f**k up, but they do try.  They just don't get it.  And they won't ever get it.  And, I cannot fault them for that.  What I can do, is space myself from situations with them that might be hurtful.  I can continue to open up, be blunt, and TRY (and try harder) to make them see just how devastating this is journey can be, and how much their naivety hurts.  At the same time, I can learn to bite my tongue when the timing is not right and vent on my blog instead. 

 

Then, I have two friends who I have become so thankful for.  One of them I've never even met!  We became friends on an online group because we have daughter's both born in March 2010.  Then, she reached out to me after we both were struggling to get pregnant again.  She has been my backbone and infertility partner in crime for almost two years and I'm so thankful for her.  My next friend is actually the mother of one of Taylor's friends.  We met when our children were in swim class together and hit it off.  Since then, we have had many play dates together.  In the time I've known that TTC #2 wasn't going to be easy, she has gotten pregnant and had her second son.  He is now 8 months.  But, she is just one of those women whose pregnancy, baby bump, baby, etc never bothered me.  I never felt jealousy, anger, or bitterness towards her.  And, I believe it's because of the love, support, and empathy she has showed me.  I swear, she is the infertile woman's dream "fertile friend" She has probably read and memorized the ways to be supportive to the infertility community! This friend has not only followed up and asked me about almost every single one of my appts, but she offered to leave her baby at home when we met up after my miscarriage.  Although I told her she didn't need to do that, I sat there and cried happy tears that she cares enough to do that.  I could go on and on about how sweet and supportive this friend has been to me.  I seriously thank God that both of these wonderful women came into my life when they did. 

 

Fear

 

Yesterday, I seriously contemplated cancelling my FET cycle.  It's hard to fully explain why, but it mainly has to do with fear.  Fear of failure.  Fear of another miscarriage, and especially another D&C.  But, mainly the fear is because I've made so much growth in the last couple of months, and I feel like I'm being sucked back into a place where I don't like to be.  I've let go and accepted so much.  I've fully accepted that Taylor might be our only child, and I'm 100% okay with that. I've had such a nice break from worrying about what cycle day it is, when I go back to the RE next, who will watch Taylor, how hard I can or cannot exercise.  I used to enjoy TTC, tracking ovulation, going to the RE.  But now, it's just all associated with failure and negativity. 

 

But, in my heart of hearts, I know...... we both know that we aren't giving up yet. We both know that as much as it sucks to go through this process again, we might finally get what we want.  We both still want another child, even though we are completely okay with if it doesn't happen.  

 

We have 1-2 more tries sitting on ice, calling our name, and we cannot throw in the towel until we've used up all of our tries. <<<< That's the main reason we are moving forward with this cycle right now.  Those embaby's sitting on ice are in the back of our minds and will continue to be until they have been transferred.  So, we want to give them a shot at becoming our second child sooner rather than later.....

National Infertility Awareness Week...........Secondary Infertility

 

As most of you have probably already seen, or blogged about yourself,it's National Infertility Awareness Week.

I encourage you to share this movement any way possible.  Facebook.  Blog. Instagram. Twitter. Email. Text. Conversation. Whatever speaks to you.

Personally, I've been posting a picture that relates to NIAW or my personal struggle everyday on Instagram and including an infertility fact in the comments.  I'm not usually a hashtag type of gal, but I've been using them hoping that just one person taps on the hashtag and learns a little more of the struggle of infertility.  Some great hashtags for this movement include: #NIAW #infertilityawarenessweek #infertilityawareness #infertility #infertilityhurts

Jake and I began TTC #2 a little over two years ago with NTNP.  We thought it would happen in a snap, just like it did with our little miracle.  Obviously, this wasn't the case.  After 3 months of not trying, but not preventing, we started ATTC.  Every cycle we have been fortunate enough to have perfectly timed intercourse... or picture perfect medicated cycles, but we still haven't brought home a baby. 

One chemical pregnancy, One miscarriage, One D&C, numerous tests, lots of bad news, millions of blood draws, 5 IUI's, one IVF, and billions of tears later we are still fighting. Fighting for what comes so easily to most.  Fighting what seems like a never ending battle.  Fighting for something that may never happen. Fighting for something that is often taken for granted. 

I suffer from secondary infertility. I also have a unicornuate uterus, which is extremely rare and there is still little known about it in the medical field.  We are extremely lucky to have our beautiful daughter.  When I got pregnant, had her, and went through the tough  newborn stage, I had NO IDEA how lucky we were to have her so easily.  I took it for granted.  It wasn't until I had the first consultation with the RE that I realized how lucky I was to be blessed with her.  It was then that the guilt, fear, hurt, and regret set it. I felt guilty for taking any single moment of my pregnancy, and newborn stage for granted.  I felt fear that it will never happen again, and I didn't enjoy that experience enough.  Hurt that I was so naive and unaware of my situation. Hurt that my body was failing me at the "prime" reproductive age of 27. Regret for so many different reasons. 

These are feelings that most fertile women will never endure.  They simply decide they want a second child and within 1-3 cycles their desires are fulfilled. 

I sometimes question my choice to be so open about our journey.  I question it when people give me their naive,uneducated, nonsense advice.  I question it when people brush infertility off.  But, deep down, I feel like if I'm going to struggle with secondary infertility, I want to be an advocate.  I want to do my best to educate the uneducated.  To bring awareness to infertility and secondary infertility. 





Here we go again

While on a short camping trip this weekend, good old Aunt Flow decided to show up......this was completely unexpected and caught me completely off guard.  We arrived to the campground Friday afternoon.  Friday evening, I noticed some dark brown tinged blood when I wiped.  I was so confused to what it meant.  I was told to not expect AF for a few more weeks, at least.  I was told that my hcg needed to fall below 0 to even begin CD1.  By Saturday, AF was obviously there to stay.  I called the RE, and he explained that it all seemed normal to him.  He said he could get me in on Monday to see if my body was ready to move forward that cycle, or if we should wait.  I scheduled the appt.  I was surprised to have the chance to do an FET before we got busy this summer, I really didn't think it was going to happen until August or September. 

I saw Dr. B and my favorite nurse, and was given the go ahead to move forward with FET this cycle.  My uterus looked good, no left over debris from the D&C.  No cysts.  My lining was where it should be.  Jake and I decided to go with the natural FET protocol. My RE is 110% supportive of this.  He doesn't see any reason why medicating is going to help me.  I will be unmedicated aside from progesterone and possibly estrogen (depending on my lining around ovulation time).  RE and favorite nurse also strongly believe that I don't even need a trigger shot.  This is the only thing that makes me a little bit nervous, but I'm going to trust them.  They are the professionals, and they know what they are doing (at least I like to hope so).  I've used a trigger shot with every medicated cycle and IVF (6 total) with no success, so it's obviously not the answer.  Basically, I'm going to start using OPK's at home 2x's a day on CD11.  Then, once I see that happy little face, I call the RE's office.  I will go in the following day for a follie scan and blood work. With that info, RE will decide what day to transfer (probably 6-7 days after surge).  I will start my progesterone and possibly estrogen that day as well. 

Surprised.  I'm surprised that this is going to happen this cycle.  I had accepted that we wouldn't get to FET until August, and here we are beginning in May.
Excited.  Excited to try again.  Excited to attempt our next best shot at being pregnant again.
Scared.  Scared that it won't work.  But even MORE scared that it will work, only to end in another M/C.  Scared to death of another D&C. 
Nervous.  Nervous that something will go wrong during the cycle. Nervous that it won't work. Nervous that it might not ever work.
Numb. This is a new feeling for me.  I'm numb from the pain of the last attempt.  I'm numb from the multiple cycles that have all ended with no viable pregnancy. 
Ready. I'm ready to move forward.  Whether that means that we will be successful or not, I'm ready to move on.  Ready to accept the cards we've been dealt.

Estimated dates:
*These are all +/- 3 days as we don't know exactly when I will get my surge, or when my follies will actually be ready. 

4/30 - start OPKs 2x's a day
5/5 - RE appt for blood test & u/s
5/6 - start progesterone and estrogen
5/11 or 5/12 Embryo transfer
5/20 Pregnancy Test

Update: 6 weeks after D&C

I got my beta # today and it's now down to 7 from 11.  It only went down 4 from 12 days ago. BOO! At least it's going down, but still!  I'm advised to test again in 2 weeks (8 weeks from D&C).  If it's not below 2 at that point, we will have to meet with the OB and decide what to do.  I don't even know what that means. Ironically, I haven't Googled it yet.... but I will.  The nurse said I'm still within normal range, but that my body is slow moving.  She said the OB thought it would drop faster since I did BOTH the pills to end pregnancy and D&C.  But, I'm still stuck in limbo.  And it sucks. 

We were planning on doing a FET cycle before our busy summer madness.  At first it seemed like it would be easily done.  Now, it's pretty much out of the question.  Which means no FET until August.  BOO!

I'd be lying if I said this break wasn't beneficial.  It's been a forced break that I have zero control over, but it's the first real break I've taken in 2 years.  I've grown a lot.  Let go of a lot. And realized a lot.  At this moment (that could easily change in two seconds) I feel completely over it.  I'm fine with my life the way it is, and I'm really enjoying being myself again.  A mother again.  A wife again.  And not a infertile woman who is doing everything in her power, and then some, to get a BFP one every cycle. 

I think it's safe to say that extending this break will be beneficial.  Yes, we will still be using our FET cycles(s), but I'm feeling like I'm going to go more into it like "if this works, that would be awesome" INSTEAD of "this has to work, or I don't know what I will do"

small miracles at the park

Taylor and I took a trip to the park the other day, and I just wanted to share a couple positive things that happened, and helped me have a positive weekend.....

When Tay and I arrived to the park at 11:30am to have a picnic and play, we were the only ones there.  She was a little bummed there were no kids to play with.  An hour later, when we were about to leave two little girls showed up.  Taylor automatically jumped right in and started playing.  The girls were 5 and 3 and her mom was pregnant with a third.  They were all lovely.  The mother never asked if I had other children or if she was my "only".  It was nice.  I was expecting it, as it happens 99% of the time. 

Over the next 30 minutes, another lady showed up with her two boys, followed by two other little girls (these girls were both by themselves, but I have no idea if they had siblings in school, or if their mom's were TTC, and I didn't care, obviously).  Taylor, my "only child", played fabulously with these children.  She didn't stand off to the side.  She wasn't socially awkward.  She didn't have issues with sharing any more than any of the others.  I was so delighted to watch her play and interact, and put the "only child" stigma to shame.  It was one small miracle. 

The mom of the two boys was actually there to join the first pregnant mother for a play date.  They were lovely ladies and kinda added Tay and I to their little group.  It was nice.  For both of us.  I found out we all used to be teachers before having children.  I found out they all have, or will have, 3 children. We got on the conversation of finding out the gender of your baby before it's born.  I could feel the question coming on if I had others or if I would.   The mother of the two boys asked "Is she your-............ Do you have any other children?" This, again, was a small miracle.  Why?  Because she corrected herself mid sentence from asking "Is she your only" to "Do you have other children" That is huge to someone dealing with Secondary Infertility.  She was curious and wanted to know.  But she took the time avoid using the word "only" and re-worded it.  That was amazingness to me.  I said "no, she doesn't" And the conversation was left at that.  She didn't ask why, or if we wanted more, or if we would give her a sibling soon.  It was over and that was it.  I wondered if she for some reason knew that it could be a sensitive topic, or if she knew someone who had struggled, or if she just simply knew not to pry and how to be sensitive when asking personal information. Whatever the reason, it made me happy.

Acceptance

One of my BFF's and I were out to happy hour last week. I texted her that I was down in the dumps and needed to vent.  She suggested happy hour at a nearby by Mexican place. Perfect.  This BFF understands and lives the infertile life.  She and her husband happily welcomed their daughter born through surrogacy 9 months ago.  She is such a beautiful blessing and miracle.  They will most likely not be able to afford to use the rest of their frosties due to finances and other circumstances.  My heart hurts for her to know that they have more tries, but cannot use them.  I wish I could make this possible for them. 

N has been a very good friend to me for 7 or more years.  We have been by each other's side through weddings, deaths,  accidents, hospitalizations, births, and now infertility.  When I first started struggling with TTC #2, I was nervous to mention it to her.  I didn't want to offend her as at that point she didn't yet have her daughter.  But, the convo came up one day.  At first, I could tell she was kinda hesitant to believe I would have any problem since I already had one child.  So, to respect her, I never brought it up again.  She then asked me about 6 months later if I had seen a fertility doctor, because she wanted to recommend hers.  From that point on, she has been nothing but supportive, and understanding.  And, I cherish that more than she will ever know. 

At happy hour I vented about how hard it was dealing with my other BFF's pregnancy, esp now since she already went public with the news at 6-7 weeks and is complaining with no end in sight.  I was venting about how I was so sick of hearing "you will have another baby soon, you did it once before" or "it will happen, when it's supposed to happen" Those are the two that sting right now.  N said "you know what Darcy, I too used to think and tell you that you will have another baby, you did it before...... but now I feel more like, just because you had one pregnancy 4 years ago doesn't mean shit now".  She went on to say how my odds are 1:27 right now (one full term pregnancy to 27perfect cycles combined with TTC #1 and #2).  Those odds suck! But, it was comforting to finally have somebody not say "you had one, you can do it again". Just because I had one healthy, full term pregnancy 4 years ago, doesn't mean that I automatically get a free pass to have another whenever I choose.  It doesn't work like that.  At least not for me. 

Then, just yesterday, as I was checking out some new blogs that a fellow blogger follows (Emily @ Eat Love Procreate) I stumbled across an article in the Standing Still Mag written by Mandy titled "You'll have your baby someday" The author went on to explain how aggravating that statement can be.  Then, the article went on to talk about another level of grieving.... ACCEPTANCE.  And, this is exactly what I'm going through right now!  I couldn't agree more with so much of what Mandy wrote.   I'm not yet ready to move on ir let go.  I might not ever be, only time will tell.  But, I'm learning to accept the cards I've been dealt.  I have fully accepted that fact that I might not have another child.  I don't like it, and I wish it wasn't true, but I've accepted it.  When I think about this, it hurts tremendously.  But it's reality. 

Acceptance is a hard thing to grasp.  Especially when dealing with major life circumstances that crush dreams and hopes.  But, learning to accept this will in time help me to move on.  It has already lifted a huge weight off my shoulders knowing that I have truly accepted that it just might not happen. 

Acceptance is playing a key role in my life right now.  I have also accepted that I'm never going to be, let alone maintain, my "ideal weight".  My prior goal for my "ideal weight" wasn't very attainable.  At one point, right before starting TTC, I was at my skinniest and had my dream body.  Well, working out for 2+ hours a day, eating a super strict and very low calorie diet isn't maintainable, ideal, or healthy.  Since then, I've educated myself on a much healthier lifestyle and diet.  I was being way to hard on my body.  Ya, it was awesome to fit into a size 2 and not ever worry about looking fat, but that's just exhausting.  I have accepted that my "ideal weight" is the weight I am right now.  138-140.  I always cringe at those numbers, because at 5'6" I feel like 130 sounds a lot better.  But what does it really matter??? Nobody cares but me, and I am wayyyy to hard on myself.  At 138-140, I'm toned, I can eat what I want as long as I am mindful and I eat as clean as possible. This is the weight I've been most of my adult life and I've always been completely happy with it UNTIL I got down lower.  Once again, I've accepted that this is me.  I'm healthy, I'm toned, and my hubby thinks I'm beautiful, and that's all that really matters.