It's a...........

It's a BOY!!!!

We went to an elective ultrasound boutique type place for the gender determination.  I was 15weeks3days and it was 110% obvious that it was a boy! I'm very excited! And, I'm actually in total shock.  I can honestly say that I truly didn't care if it was a boy or girl.  I just want a human baby.  But, I felt like it was a girl.  I expected to hear girl, so hearing "it's a boy" was a shocker!

As soon as the "money shot" came up on the huge screen Jake and I both knew exactly what it was.  I looked over for Jake's reaction.  He had a huge smile on his face.  He just stared down at Taylor and waited for her response... more on her response later. I know that if he could have chosen the gender he would want a boy.  But... he has said every time, "I just want a healthy baby."  So, he didn't have that traditional man response about having a boy.... but I saw that smile :)  I  over heard him telling our friend (father of  one daughter who was brought to this world through surrogacy) that he didn't care what we had but "that he loved his daughter so much that he couldn't imagine saying he wanted a boy over a girl." I will always remember that response.  It melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes.  Have I ever mentioned how much I love that man?!?!?! How great of a father I think he is to our daughter?!?!?!?! He is seriously the best, and I am beyond grateful for him. 

Back to Taylor's response.  During the ultrasound, she didn't say much about the gender.  She just giggled at the baby kicking his feet and moving around.  She asked a lot of questions about the ultrasound equipment and how it worked.  After the appointment, she had a small break down with crocodile tears and all.  She said she really wanted a baby sister.  We talked a little bit about it, and how it was okay to be sad, that a baby brother is awesome, that you get what you get and you don't throw a bit.  After that she ended up being fine.  I don't think she's excited about the gender like we are, but she has plenty of time to come to terms with it.  Overall, she's just happy to have a baby.  She talks about how we will bathe the baby, rock the baby, how the baby will cry a lot, and not know how to talk.  It warms my heart to have these conversations with her. 

The best part of the elective ultrasound place wasn't finding out the gender.  Instead it was seeing that sweet little miracle baby on a huge screen.  Their equipment is top of the line, and everything was so clear and easy to point out.  It was a huge, HUGE sense of reassurance to see all the parts.  Plus, we got to listen to the heart beat for close to a minute straight, which will never EVER get old.  

I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgivng.  

Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

Wow, it's been awhile since I've updated my blog.  Mostly this is because I've just been busy.  With family.  With doctor appointments.  With life.  I've wanted to sit down and blog about my feelings, worries, and concerns many times in the last few weeks, but I never did.  Instead, I did my best to read the posts of my fellow bloggers and comment when I had an extra 30 seconds.  Another reason I haven't been blogging as much is that I don't have very much to say that I haven't said before.  A lot of my fears, concerns, daily happenings are just the same damn thing that they always are.  This is where public journals aka blogging is confusing for me.  I use my blog as my journal.  As a way to express my feelings and vent.  And, I need to do it more often.  But, when there is an audience reading your journal, it can feel silly to write about the same thing over and over. 

Anyways.... I'm currently 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  I'm officially in the 2nd trimester, which feels AMAZING! On Tuesday, I had a checkup with the OB where we got to see baby.  As of now, all is healthy, on track, and going as planned.  It still feels like a dream that this is actually happening.  Every day passed and every milestone hit still feels like a HUGE accomplishment. 

Prior to every appointment, I have my pre-appointment anxiety attack where I really start to worry that we will see the worst.  At this stage that is A) no heartbeat or B) delayed or no growth.  Tuesday wasn't any different.  My appointment wasn't until 4:00, so I had all day to freak out.  The last hour before my appointment I cried a lot.  I cried for so many different reasons.  Because I was scared, happy, blessed, and anxious.  As soon as we saw that little baby's heart beating all that worry went away. 

We announced to Taylor that she was going to be a big sister when I crossed the 13 week mark, and it went over very well.  She now refers to the baby as "my baby".  She asks what the baby is doing in my tummy.  She's excited to say the least..... but she really wants it to be a girl.... That's where things get tricky.  She's okay with it being a boy, but it's obvious she wants a sister... doesn't every little girl want a sister?

This was the first appointment that we took Taylor to that she knew what was going on.  It was the most amazing feeling in the world to observe Taylor as she watched the screen.  "It's so cute" "That's my baby" "Awe, so cute" It seriously melted my heart to see her excitement, and to watch Jake's face light up. I will never ever forget that moment.

Entering the second trimester took a lot of the miscarriage worry and fear away.  I'm letting go of the fear and worry more and more with every passing day, and allowing myself to enjoy this time.  Unfortunately, infertility and loss has changed the pregnancy bliss for me.  Of course, I'm still over the moon and excited.  But, after struggling to get pregnant for over two years, and experiencing two losses, I will never ever be a normal pregnant person.  But, that is okay.  Yes, I worry more and I deal with some form of PTSD, as well as truly accepting that this IS happening.  BUT.... after the struggle and things I've been through I'm also a lot more grateful.  I'm more caring.  Less self-centered.  More grounded.  I'm less concerned about how I physically look pregnant, and more concerned about enjoying my pregnancy to its max. 

I am so extremely grateful.  Grateful for the baby growing inside me. Grateful for my amazing husband. And grateful for my extremely supportive family and friends.  I'm doing my best to live in the now.  I'm getting over my hills.  At this very moment, I couldn't be happier. 

 

 



For this child I have prayed

"Mommy, I want you to have a baby in your tummy.  Can you try? Are you still trying? I want you to have a girl, and I want her name to be Sophia." - Taylor, 3.5years old, 10/21/2013

Yesterday was my second appointment with my new OB.  I was 11weeks1day.  I'm more than excited to say that everything, once again, went well and on track.  The little bean was kicking and moving.  We saw a strong heartbeat, legs, arms, and an obvious head.  There has been so much change and growth since the last appointment.  I'm in love.  I'm in awe.  I'm still in disbelief that this is really happening.  Most the time it still feels like a dream.  After 2 years of nothing but let downs, I became very used to accepting the bad news and planning for the next attempt to get me to this point.  Now, here we are.  Pregnant, and so close to being in the second trimester. 

The worry and the fear fades with every passing day. It fades with every bout of nausea, and other pregnancy related symptoms.  It faded tremendously after the appointment yesterday.  Knowing that we've seen a strong healthy, progressing baby 4 times now is very reassuring.  Again, I know I'm not in the clear yet, and in no way, shape, or form, do I feel worry free..... but I'm starting to enjoy this the way I should. The way I want to.  We worked damn hard for this.  Prayed a million times for this.  Spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for this.  Went through a lot of emotions, fights, crying, bitterness, and jealousy for this.   I BETTER start enjoying it! We've told almost all of our close family and friends.  Taylor still doesn't know.  I don't really know what's holding us back now, as we said we would if yesterday went well, but neither of us are ready to tell her yet.  She will know soon enough.  We're just not ready.  I'm still scared of breaking her heart if God forbid something went wrong now. 

Yesterday, I cried. A lot. I cried because I was extremely happy and relieved after our appointment.  I cried because I felt blessed.  Because I felt freed from so much pain and sorrow that I've harbored for a very long time.  I cried because our dreams are finally coming true. 

How do you turn off the worry?

I've been a basket case of emotions lately.  I know the pregnancy hormones are mostly to blame, but I've have these overwhelming fears and anxieties that I can't seem to kick.  I hesitated to write about this, because I don't want to sound whiny, dramatic, or like I'm making something out of nothing.  But, this is my blog for getting my feelings out.  This is my journal that I chose to share with others so that I could maybe connect with others going through the same thing.  And, I know that I'm not the first person to get pregnant to worry about miscarriage.  I know I'm not the first infertile woman to worry that what I've worked so hard to obtain will be taken away from me.  So, please bare with me as I get out my worries, and update on the good news. 

 I made the move from a very large group practice and an OB who I've been with and trust for over 4 years to a private practice who came highly recommended, and whom my RE has even worked with.  I've had many issues with my old OB's office.  Not him necessarily, but the office in general.  A couple of events during my D&C as well as fighting with the office about a bill that they cannot contractually bill me or my insurance company, and I was ready for a switch.  I had my first appointment with a brand new OBGYN last Monday, and all was great. He was great! It was supposed to just be a consult, but after viewing my chart he had his nurse move me to the u/s room so we could get a peek. He repeated many times that he understands how hard I've worked to get this baby and he would do everything in his power to keep the baby.  He also explained that he was very u/s happy... score!  The unexpected u/s made me super nervous and excited.  I noticed that there wasn't a trans vaginal wand.... would he be able to detect the baby and hb at 9 weeks with a normal u/s??? If not, I might be a hot mess until the next apt?!?!?! Luckily, baby was easily found, moving around and heart beating at 169bpm.  I couldn't have been happier. I left feeling so much better.  So confident.  My m/c rate was now 2%. I liked the OB a lot for many different reasons, so I'm glad I made the switch.  And.....we even thought about telling Tay the good news today........

Then, I learned that an infertile friend who was due the same day as me lost her baby.  They had seen a heartbeat multiple times, and when she went in at 9weeks, there was no heartbeat.  Devastating.  My biggest fear.  To get the blessing of a pregnancy only to have it ripped away and be left empty.  This left me mindfucked.  Sad.  Worried.  This could have been me. This still could be me.  And, it's so scary!  This is one part of infertility where my gained knowledge does me no good.  When I was pregnant with Tay, we told everybody after our blood test! Can you believe that?!? I didn't have a worry in the world.  I knew m/c was possible, but I figured if I didn't bleed or cramp, I was good.  This time is much different..... I'm not even worried about bleeding or cramping.  I'm worried about a missed miscarriage.  I'm worried about the baby dying without me knowing it. 

Now, the positive side of me knows that the odds are on my side.  I have a 2% change of miscarrying, which means I have a 98% chance of a continuing  pregnancy.  This is the furthest I've made it since conceiving Taylor, and as far as we know, I don't have any problems with later miscarriage.  So, I SHOULD be good.  I'm trying so very hard to turn the worry off, or at least tone it down.  But, it's so hard to do.  How do you stop worrying about losing something that you've worked so hard to get?  Now, I know that miscarriage is usually nature's way of getting rid of the abnormalities, but that's usually only happens 1:4 pregnancies, so I should be good there. Right?

I made the HUGE mistake of checking the "birthboard" for May 2014 on Babycenter.  Bad fucking idea! Right now there are many women who are expressing miscarriage concerns, or who are posting about having no heartbeats.  I don't even know why I looked on that board.  It's not like I needed help with anything! I was just bored and wanted to see what other people were going through.  Never again!

I was supposed to have my very last appointment with Dr. B tomorrow (Friday). But, after having a long chat with him on the phone, he decided I didn't really need to come back in since I had already had an u/s at 9weeks with my OB.  So, I graduated over the phone!  It's bittersweet for sure.  I will miss the care and attention I received there.  But, graduating from and RE's office feels AMAZING! But now, I'm kind of kicking myself for not keeping the appointment.  That would've given me one more u/s to check on the baby before I see my new OB again on 10/22.  12 days is going to seem like eternity!  Even with a wedding to attend, a play date dinner, and a 2 night Vegas trip!  I really would like to have that reassurance, but the logical side of me says it's a lot of time, money, driving, and planning for a u/s that I probably don't need.  But the stressed out basket case part of me wants to call and see if I can come in Monday or Tuesday instead of Tomorrow, just for the peace of mind.  But, it sure is a long drive....... Jake's idea was just to call my local OB, explain my concerns and see if I could come in for a u/s. Even if we have to pay OOP for it, it would still be cheaper and easier than driving to L.A.

All in all, things are good.  Yes, I'm a worry wart, but I think that's expected with that I've been through.  We have decided to hold off on telling Taylor until at least 11 weeks, despite that fact that she almost DAILY says something along the lines of "I want you to have a baby in your tummy, mommy." She's still very baby obsessed!  She's 3.5.... she can't handle bad news and cope like we can.  I want to protect her feelings, even if I can't protect my own.  So, we wait.  Plus, there will be PLENTY of time for her to know I'm pregnant if we make it to telling her.  She will have PLENTY of time to ask "when's the baby going to come out" "why is it taking so long" "how does the baby come out"

Friends, if you're the praying type, I ask that you pray for me.  For my sanity.  That this little raspberry sized baby continues to grow and thrive, and that it's little heart keeps on beating.  If you're not the praying type, then just send some positive vibes with way, would ya???

Our second little Miracle

Since the beginning of this blog, I've referred to our sweet little daughter as our miracle.  Because she really is a miracle child.  Isn't every child a miracle???? She came to us so easily.  During all of our struggles to complete our family, we've been told time and time again by professionals and well-wisher's that she's a miracle. I thank God for her everyday.  The morning before I left for our ultrasound, we were cuddled on the couch watching cartoons.  I told God that I would be more than grateful for another blessing, but that if it wasn't in the cards, that I would eventually understand.  And, that I had all I ever needed in this little blessing right in front of my eyes.   

 

Her first day of Preschool <3



 

 

Yesterday, my mom and I were blessed to see and HEAR a strong heartbeat of our second little miracle.  The little kidney bean sized baby's heart was beating away at 150bpm and I couldn't have been happier.  Everything is measuring right on track and looks just like it's supposed to.  I mentioned my mom was there...... Yes, I brought my mommy with me to the u/s.  Jake couldn't get the day off and I couldn't even fathom making that 2 hour drive home again if I received bad news.  So, I called my mom and asked if she could come with me.  Being that she is my closest supporter who really gets infertility, she has been by my side through this entire journey, and I LOVE and ADMIRE her for that.  Luckily, instead of driving her devastated daughter home, she got to witness her soon to be grandchild's teeny tiny heartbeat.  I'm so proud that I could give her that moment. 

 

 

This ultrasound brought a lot of relief and took away a lot of the worry.  I can finally say that I'm excited.  We are not out of the woods yet, and we still have 5 more weeks to go before reaching the lovely second trimester.   But, to hear a strong heartbeat, see appropriate growth, and hear my RE say that my chances of m/c are now 2%, I feel so much more confident. 

 

As of now, we are pregnant! With our second little (rainbow) miracle.  I feel so blessed and thankful! I have one more ultrasound and appointment with my RE a week from Friday (10/11).  If all is good at that meeting, I will stop the progesterone and estrogen.  I'll continue the baby aspirin through the first trimester.  I made a consultation appointment with a new OBGYN for this Monday, and hope to get started with him as soon as I graduate from the RE. 

 

This still feels surreal..... like I'm in a dream...... But, it's starting to become more and more real. But, I already know this pregnancy will be different.  I will worry more. I'm no longer naïve and carefree.  I will forever have the feelings of an infertile woman, and I will handle situations differently than in the past.  But, that's okay.  We are here now, and I will deal with it.  Plus, there is an upside.  I will be more grateful and thankful from the get go.  I will be more compassionate and understanding to those who are struggling.  I've grown a lot during this journey. 

 

 

Cleared another hurdle

We saw it.  It was there.  A teeny tiny little flicker on the ultrasound screen that Dr. B assured me was a normal looking heartbeat.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I couldn't believe it was real.  There was ONE heart beating inside my uterus and it made me feel on top of the world.  I'm so thankful.  I'm feeling very blessed, relieved, and triumphant.  Simultaneously , I'm still feeling scared, numb, in shock, different. 

Scared that the little heartbeat wont be there next time we go.  Scared that something will go wrong and that my little blueberry size baby will not grow.  I HATE that I'm so scared.  I was NEVER like this with Taylor.  But, I'm not that person/mama anymore.  Infertility has changed me.  Motherhood has changed me. And that is OKAY.

Numb because it still doesn't feel real.  Everyday, with every bout of nausea, exhaustion, or headache, it gets a little  more real.  But it's just different. 

In shock.  I kept telling Jake and myself "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." I was so afraid to get my hopes up more than they already were, that I had already pictured Dr. B telling me he didn't see anything.  So, to hear differently was..... SHOCKING. 

I feel different.  I don't feel like a normal pregnant lady. I don't have the same feelings as I did before.  Yes, I have the same SYMPTOMS, but not the same FEELINGS, if that makes any sense.  We told the world we were pregnant with Taylor after ONE confirmed blood test.  This time, we find ourselves being much more cautious.  Our parents, and one of Jake's brother's knows.  Some of our closest friends know, but other than that, we are still scared to tell.  Which, again, is okay.  I also feel different because I'm stuck in this limbo of "is this really happening" and "is this baby going to be taken away from me?" I imagine, with time, and more reassuring u/s this will get easier. 

I was on pins and needles on the way down there. Then, the last few minutes waiting in the room half naked felt like eternity.  ETERNITY I tell you. I clenched Jake's hand hoping that my body wasn't going to let both of us down. Praying that we see signs of viability.  Luckily, Dr. B came in said "I'm sure your nervous, lets get right to it" and then we chatted about everything after.  I was 7 weeks yesterday.  He said usually if a pregnancy is going to go downhill, it happens by 7 weeks, so we are on the uphill.  But, he also said we aren't out of the woods yet, which I already knew.  I go back on Wednesday, Oct 2nd for another viability scan, and then hopefully I will be released to my local OBGYN. 

Although I still have a lot of fear and worry, that little precious heartbeat surely did lift some of it away.  This is the farthest we've come in 27 cycles of ATTC, and over a year of treatments at the Fertility Clinic.  So, I'm grateful and oh so happy we've made it this far.  Now, all we need if for that sweet little blueberry to continue growing and thrive.  We can do this! We've made it to the heartbeat!

PTSD???

I'm pretty certain that I'm experiencing some degree of PTSD because of my last, unsuccessful pregnancy that ended in m/c.  My PTSD first flared up when I had to relive the whole experience that I talk about here when a D&C was needed after I thought I was already done with the miscarriage process.  In the weeks following that, I had nightmares, I had chest pain, difficulty breathing, I felt numb, was anxiety ridden.... I could go on and on.  Well, for the most part that tapered off.  I feel that to a degree, it's back.  But in a different way.

Last night Jake and I were talking about a local cop who was shot in the head(he survived thankfully)  the other day during a routine pull over.  We were discussing if he was ever back on active duty, how it would seem so hard to not think that every little pull over or confrontation wasn't going to end with someone shooting at your head.  Then, it got me thinking about myself (although my situation is obviously not life threatening) and this fear I have with every second of this pregnancy.  As happy as I am to have made it this far, and as much as I actively try to not worry, and live for the moment.... it's extremely hard for me not to compare to our miscarriage.  Even though I rationally know that this is a different pregnancy and we CAN see a healthy pregnancy at the ultrasound on Monday, I keep imaging that it's going to be exactly the same.  That I'm going to leave completely heartbroken and crushed once again.  It's really hard for me to get past that.......

Today, I'm 6 weeks pregnant.  With the miscarriage, I started bleeding at 6w1d.  For whatever reason, that day is a huge hurdle for me to get past, as irrational as it is.  So, if I wake up tomorrow without any bleeding, that will be one more weight lifted off my shoulders.  Then, I just have to make it to the ultrasound where I SHOULD be far enough along to see a heartbeat.  I really feel after I see that little flicker on the screen, I will have a lot more peace and confidence and a lot less worry. 

I've been having so many great signs of a healthy pregnancy, and I'm really holding on to those: all day nausea, food aversions, bloating, tired, sore boobs, increased sense of smell, and crazy changes in emotions.  The nausea/morning sickness seems to be getting stronger and stronger.... which is A-OK with me. 

I pinned all these quotes about worrying ruining things.... I have one on my phone as the screensaver and I try to look at them multiple times a day to remind myself that worrying WILL NOT change the outcome....... It helps.... even if it's just for a second



 



And, a little Bob....

 



Beta #2

Beta #1 (10dpt)- 433
Beta #2(14dpt) - 3800

It's safe to say that, right now, I'm STILL pregnant.  Our numbers more than doubled and Dr. B is very happy and comfortable with the hcg numbers.   Our first ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, September 23rd.   It's going to be a long 12 days waiting to see if this in face a viable pregnancy.  The high beta numbers have made me a little more comfortable with feeling some joy, but I'm still very guarded.  I really need to have an ultrasound.  I need to see a heartbeat. 

I've been having my fair share of early pregnancy symptoms.... all day nausea, increased sense of smell, sore tatas, hungry..... OMG I'm so hungry, tired all day, but then I can't sleep when it's time.  And, this time, I know it's more pregnancy related than progesterone related.  This cycle, I didn't get any of the dreaded progesterone or estrogen side effects EXCEPT for the bloat.  Still got the lovely bloat.  I'm extremely happy and excited to be having these symptoms.... I'm being 110% honest when I say that I LOVE feeling nauseous, I LOVE LOVE the sore tatas, and being hungry is always fun when you love food like I do!  I started getting sore boobs a week ago, and then the other symptoms kind of crept in after.  The nausea didn't really sink in heavily until yesterday. 

This pregnancy feels so different from our fresh cycle that ended in m/c. My body was so out of it then.  I was getting dizzy spells all the time.  I had horrible side effects from the progesterone that started the day I took it.  This time, my TWW was pretty normal, in fact I felt nothing at all, which led me to believe I would get a BFN.  Then, about a week after I POAS, everything starts to kick in.... and feel exactly like it did when I was pregnant with Tay.  This HAS to be a good sign.  I'm taking it as a good sign of a healthy pregnancy. 

Please keep us in your T&P's as we anxiously wait for our ultrasound.  Hopefully we will see a heartbeat, and we can let Taylor know she is finally going to be a big sister. 

10dpt and the results are in

So much has happened since I last posted, and I literally haven't had enough time to sit and write down any of my thoughts.  But, I've also been struggling with writer's block.  I've had a lot of feelings while in the dreaded TWW, but it's nothing new.  There was nothing major to discuss or vent about, and for the last few days I have basically just been going through the TWW motions.  On top of that, I've been keeping myself extremely busy.  We have preschool, gymnastics, packing and unpacking for a trip to the beach, cooking and baking for a friend who just brought home a baby, cleaning, and very moderate exercising at the gym....... 

This is the Greek yogurt, strawberry, banana, whole wheat breakfast bread I baked up during naptime :)

We got home from our mini Labor Day vacation to Avila Beach, CA on Monday evening (7dpt).  I pretty much already had it made up in my mind late that night that I would poas Tuesday morning, unless I could fight the urge.  AND....... I Couldn't fight the urge, and I'm so happy that I tested.  I saw the most beautiful two lines at 8dpt right after dipping the stick.  

Today was my beta (10dpt) and the number came in at 433!!!!!! I'm so happy for this high, strong number. My RE was also happy and confident in the number.  He said it was right on track for a strong single embryo.  We know that there could very well be two in there, and that's perfectly ok.  But, he strongly feels that it would be very slim that both implant AND make it to heartbeat. 

Honestly, until I got the beta today, I was kinda numb.  Obviously, I was happy, but it was different this time.  I was scared to get excited.  Jake was scared to get excited.  Even though I POAS twice and got incredibly dark lines, I needed to hear that number.  Now, I feel a little more happiness, and little more excitement.  But, I think I will still be worried and guarded until we see a heartbeat... or two. 

I WANT to be a tad more happy and excited about this. Worry free. Blissful.  Ignorant even.  It's not possible to go back to the old me and how I was when I got pregnant with Taylor, but I'm going to make a serious conscious effort to worry less.  To live for the moment.  To enjoy the days that I AM PREGNANT. 

In the past few days, I have really felt the love and support from my real life friends, family, as well as my fellow bloggers and the infertility community.  I've had numerous people email or text me to show me their love and support.  And, that seriously means the WORLD to me.  Thank to all of you from the bottom of my heart who have commented, texted, emailed, prayed, thought happy thoughts, whatever.  I decided to share this journey in the first place to bring awareness and to gain support.  And, I must say, it is definitely working.  I definitely felt the love this cycle, as well as every other cycle.... through both the highs and the lows. 

My next Beta will be Monday or Tuesday.  I can pick the day.  Ideally, Tuesday is better because it gives us one more day to check that things are doubling appropriately.  Plus, Taylor will be at school and I can go to the lab without bringing her in there (what a scary place to bring a toddler).  But, I don't know if I can resist going on Monday...... I'm already resisting to go on Saturday even though my local lab IS open. 

Please continue to pray and think happy thoughts for the little bean(s).  That they stay put and continue to grow accordingly.  That my Beta #2 gives a number that shows a healthy pregnancy.  That I don't start bleeding between now and our first ultrasound. 

Sharing a post

As I was catching up on my blogs today, I came across a post that I could relate to on so many levels.  But, it wasn't from my fellow infertile bloggers.  It was from a fitness/health inspiration blog.  Bikini Body Mommy's blog is very inspiring for weight loss, healthy food tips, and such.  But today, she posted a blog about the feelings brought on by miscarriage, and I was so touched.  I just wanted to share the link here.  There are definite triggers in there, but I'm doing my best to spread awareness from the journey I'm trapped in.  If you feel up to reading about miscarriage and loss, and finding a story you can relate to, please head over to her blog and show her some love.  If not, keep this lovely post in mind in case you know somebody who might need to read something they can relate too.  Happy Friday!!

http://www.bikinibodymommy.com/2013/08/recovering-from-the-devastating-loss-of-miscarriage.html#comment-41305

unicorns and rainbows

8/21(today)  - start progesterone shots
8/26 (Monday) - Embryo Transfer
9/4 or 9/5 - Beta #1


My appointment went well.  Lining was the same.  Well, actually it was measured at 9.8mm which immediately freaked me out because I thought it was thinning.  I almost started crying.  Dr. B assured me that it's fine.  That each time they measure, it's not the same exact place.  And, that the difference between 10 and 9.8 for them isn't even calculated.  He was over the moon that it was that thick and not at the regular 6-7mm that I usually have at this stage.  So, I'm LETTING GO OF THAT STRESS and being happy since the Doc is happy.  Estridol and Progesterone levels were ready go.  So, that means I start my PIO shots (progesterone) today.  I'll be doing those shots EVERYDAY and continuing the estrogen shots every 3 days.  That's a whole lot of shots in my ass!!!! Our transfer is scheduled for Monday 8/26 at 1:30pm.  Hopefully, it's all worth it in the end.... and if it's not...... at least I never have to do those nasty shots, or feel each and every pregnancy symptom caused solely by progesterone again.

I'm currently *thinking* about hopping on a unicorn and riding it over a rainbow, but I'm not quite there.  Nor do I think I can really let myself get all the way to that level of optimism and positivity, but hey, at least I'm thinking about it, right? From this point until about 6dpt is the most positive time for me.  My body has done what it needed to do in order for a transfer to be scheduled.  Everything looks golden right now (as it always does). And, on Monday I will be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise), which is always a great feeling.   I've gained a teeny tiny bit more hope that this will work and lead to a BFP, then a heartbeat, then a baby bump, then a gender reveal, then a healthy sibling for Tay.  But, I've been at these "picture" perfect cycles for far too long now to be unrealistically optimistic.  So, for now, instead of riding my unicorn over a rainbow, I think I'll just sit and pet the unicorn and look at the rainbow...... anybody following me, or did I lose you all ??? LOL






 

focusing on the now, thick lining, and preschool........... AKA random updates

Yesterday was a bad day, emotionally.  Taylor had an extremely rough day, simply because she is 3 and testing EVERYTHING.  And, I was just emotional from that, from the stress of this cycle, from being tired, from life.  But, BUT.... Yesterday is over.  And, I'm doing my very best to live in the now.  Today is a good day. 

I had a u/s and blood draw with the RE's office today. Dr. B was off today, but I saw one of his partner RE's, which was A-OK with me.  I actually LOVE all of the RE's there and all but one of the nurses.  My lining was at 10mm after 4 shots of Delestrogen! 10 FREAKING MM!!!!!! This is fantastic for me.  The highest we have seen my lining was 9mm 2 days before transfer, so it maybe got up to 10-11mm at the day of transfer.  I still have 9-12 days before my transfer and 1-2 more doses of Delestrogen, so it's almost guaranteed that my lining will continue to thicken.  This little bit of information made my day. After that, I got home, ate a yummy and healthy lunch, then hung out with my two favorite people.  Pretty good day if I do say so myself.  Sometimes, it's the simple things.

I go back next Wednesday for another u/s and blood draw.  If everything is where it should be, then I will start my PIO shots (progesterone shots) and have the transfer between Monday 26th - Thursday 29th.  We have some flexibility over the day, so as long as everything is a go, I'm going to shoot for Monday the 26th for a few reasons.  A) it's the soonest date, and I want to get the show on the road ASAP, as long as everything looks good.  B) Taylor is starting preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 1/2 a day, so I don't want to be out of town when she is in school and rushing to get home in time C) Wednesday is gymnastics day for Taylor.  D) Waiting until Wednesday would mean 10dpt would fall on a Saturday.  I don't want to do a beta on a Saturday because I wont get the results until the following Monday, which would make it extremely tempting to POAS earlier than the beta. 

But, overall, I'm living in the now... and right now things are good.  Lining is good.  Dates are looking good and creeping up slowly.  These things have given me just a pinch more hope and optimism for this cycle.  A lot could go wrong between now and then, but every positive step is a good one. 

Back to Taylor starting school........ I cannot freaking believe it's time for her to start preschool. My little baby is growing up so fast.  People ALWAYS tell you that it goes so fast, but it's one of those things that you can't quite grasp until you've been there.  Well, it's starting.   I'm both sad and uber excited for her to be starting school.  Sad because our plans were different.  I was supposed to have a 1 year old or newborn or at least be giving birth soon when she started.  Now, I will be home...alone.  Not what we planned, but we can't change it.  I'm excited for her because she is going to LOVE it.  I know she will thrive and get the interaction she needs that we cannot provide at home.  I know she will have hard days, and that she will not love every minute of school, but I think we are making the right decision to send her. And that makes me happy. 

(She was putting together a backpack full of supplies to give to a child in need)

 I was very indecisive whether I was going to send her to preschool at all until 6 or so months before Kindergarten.  I work with her a lot at home, she gets interaction through gymnastics, the gym kid-care, swim class, and play dates.  But, the kid thrives in these types of environments.  She has been begging and begging to go to school.  And, Jake and I agreed that if she continues to be an only child, we think she needs this interaction.  We will continue to keep her in 2 half days a week until 6 or so months before kindergarten and then will bump it up to 3 half days a week.  This will allow us to continue gymnastics in the fall/winter and swim in the spring/summer.  

(Stretching before gymnastics)

Next RE apt: 8/21
Possible Transfer Date: 8/26
Possible Beta: 9/4 or 9/5

The Plan

Here's what Dr. B and I have planned for our last Hail Mary attempt.  He said that he didn't want to do the same exact protocol as the last FET as that obviously didn't work out in our favor. And I was totes on board with that.  The last one could have failed because it was a bad embryo, but who knows.  Since it was technically a CP, Dr. B feels that it was most likely due to implantation problems. 

My CD2 bloodwork all came back normal.  We also checked my thyroid and prolactin just for good measure.  We hadn't done this since our first meeting over a year ago.  Again, everything was normal.  This time, I will take a baby aspirin daily.  I'm also taking Delestrogen shots every 3 days until my uterine lining is ideal (for me at least) and my body looks like it's ready to ovulate.  We are hoping by using the estrogen this time, instead of going natural, that we can build up my uterine lining as much as possible.  We're also hoping that this will give us the most ideal timing, and will alleviate any stress on my part since I wont have to use OPK to detect my ovulation.  Once lining is ideal, I will trigger and have the transfer five days later.  I will then start up PIO shots and the Delestrogen once again until my first beta. 

We were given a 40% chance of getting a BFP.... that's a whole lot higher than the 5% chance I was given of natural conception.  So, I'll take it. 

I'm just going to be hoping and praying that my body cooperates, and that the embryo(s) survive the thaw and are in the same shape they were before they were frozen. 

Also, I have already decided that I will absolutely positively NOT POAS before a beta, given we make it that far.  Last attempt, I started POAS at 6dpt and it was pure HELL.  This time, I'm going to enjoy being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) especially since this will be my very last time having the opportunity to be PUPO. 

This is it...... our last attempt

AF arrived on CD29, just like usual this month. But, that means I had a 7 day LP??? Not the best, but whatever, I'm glad to be back on track.  This month's AF was light, unexpected, and short lived.  This all leads me to believe that my beefed up workout regime along with cutting calories is to blame for messing with my cycles.  When I look back to Fertility Friend and think about it, when I was training hard and trying to lose weight last time is when my cycles were all wacky.... so I'm back to the normal "maintain and tone" regime. I'm not longer cutting calories, and in fact, I've gained all the weight back that I lost from my 10 day challenge.  But, my body likes to be at this weight.  This is my "easy" weight.  This is the weight I was when I got pregnant with Taylor.  I'm not as comfortable with this weight as I am weighing 5-10lbs less, but I'm healthy and at the end of the day, that's all that matters. 

A lot has happened since AF first appeared 6 days ago....... We cancelled our trip to Oregon to see my sister and my niece due to all the fires in southern Oregon.  The smoke was too bad at my sister's house for the girls (and us), and we didn't have the time or the money to drive and stay elsewhere.  So, we postponed the trip until this winter or next spring.  Taylor and I were super bummed, but what can you do?

With AF's unexpected early arrival, and a cancelled vacation, this cycle opened up to do our very last FET, and our very last medicated cycle..... EVER.  It feels so bittersweet to write that.  I mean, I'm so exhausted and done with all of this infertility stuff, but I'm not yet ready to let go.  So, knowing that this is our last shot with medical help to conceive and bring home a baby is terrifying.  I was so set on having a few more months to come to terms with the finality of things, but then this cycle just made more sense.  We currently have the money.  Our lives are never going to be "less busy".  This cycle wont be interfering with any type of holiday season.  Jake was ready.  I was getting anxious.  So, here we are, gearing up for what will be our last medicated cycle.  Our last transfer.  My last follie checks.


After an extremely long talk with Dr. B, and BOTH of his partner RE's...... Jake and I decided to put both of our B+ embryos in this time.  All three of the RE's said that this is what they suggested, even with a unicornuate uterus.  They all agreed that given my failure to implant with ALL of my picture perfect medicated cycles, there is an extremely low chance that both embryos will make it to a HB.  They also agreed that if they were A+ quality, they might still suggest SET, but since both are B+, they are 100% comfortable with transferring both.  Another reason they are okay with it is because I already carried one child to term, so my uterus should have to problem carrying twins IF that were to happen. After MANY discussions between Jake and I, and me consulting with the Mullerian Anomalies group, we decided to go with their suggestions.  I figured if I was willing to take the risks of multiples with the higher doses of Clomid at the very beginning of the journey, then this is sort of the same??? I'm not going to lie and say that I'm 100% confident with my decision, but I'm going to do what all three RE's suggested to do.  I'm going to pray A LOT that God shows us the right path, and that he is looking out for my health.  Again, they all believe that my chance of both making it to HB is extremely low, so I'm going to trust them.

In fact, Dr. B doesn't seem very enthusiastic that this cycle is going to work anyways.  And, I totally get it.  He has brought up using a surrogate "next time".  I haven't yet told him there won't be a next time, but he believes that the only thing keeping me from getting and staying pregnant is me.  My uterine lining, and my uterus.  He said that he would give me a 40% chance of getting a BFP this time, but that he can't say it will make it to heartbeat.  It all depends on where it decided to try to implant.  I have to say, his lack of enthusiasm is two fold.  It's comforting to know that the professional in this situation see's things the same way.  But, it's disheartening to know that my RE has basically given up on my body, and that there isn't much chance of us taking home a baby again..... ever. 

I'm going to allow myself to be somewhat excited and hopeful for this attempt.  I mean, I can't go into this all boo hoo'ing or why even try, right?  So, for now I have a pinch of hope that MAYBE, just MAYBE everything will fall into place, and we will finally get our rainbow child.  If this FET is a fail, then I will begin the real mourning and motions of letting go.  At that time, I will know it's over, and our family is complete.  But, for now, I'm choosing to hold on to that teeny tiny bit of hope that is left. 

I was very hesitant to even post about my decisions because I know that it might seem risky, but isn't this all risky??? I don't know.  At the end of the day, I'm trusting my RE, going with my gut, and praying that everything works out.



Quick Update

So, it's now CD25, and Fertility Friend suspects its 2dpo.  I NEVER got a +opk on FRER or Digi, but it was sooo close on the morning of CD22, that I'm assuming it would've been + that evening. Plus, the surge had completely faded with FMU on CD23.  I have NO idea why my body is having such delayed O, missing O, or whatever.  Last cycle, I thought it was either due to taking Melatonin or because I just came off a natural FET or a combo of both.  But, to have two LONG cycles back to back it something completely new to me.  Yes, it could be stress, but for 2 cycles in row to be thrown off that much??? I don't think it's stress, I've had much more stressful months than this.  Who knows.  Fact is, I will never know. 

Obviously, I'm done with a full fledged break.  Fact is, I'm not ready to be done yet.  A lot has changed.  I have let go of A LOT.  I have found contentment with some parts of this journey.  But, neither Jake or I are completely ready to wave the white flag.  We're getting there.  Still taking baby steps.  We only bd twice during my late "fertile window".  Usually, I try to follow the every other day rule, but we figure if it's supposed to happen naturally, twice will suffice.  We didn't stress it, and that felt GOOD. 

I just wanted to thank all of my fellow infertiles who are always commenting and show nothing but support.  Also, I wanted to thank those of you who I don't talk to as much anymore, yet you still check in, comment, and show that you genuinely care.  All of you support and love means soooo much to me.  Thanks a million!

I'll admit it....

I admit that I'm not exactly taking a break or following the not-trying-but-not-preventing path that I imagined we would try this month.  After last month's 43 day long cycle, I couldn't help but want to know what the heck my body was up to!!!! So, I admit that I have been using OPKs since CD16.... and I've been checking my CM since CD14 (what a wonderful task that is, NOT).  It's not CD22, and while my FRER OPKs are getting oh so close to a +, I used a digi this morning and still no smiley face. :(   My reason for wanting to use OPKs and checking CM this month is not necessarily to time intercourse perfectly, but to figure out what the heck my body is doing...... So far, it looks like either A) I'm O'ing extremely late or B) I'm not O'ing a all, even though it seems my body is gearing up to do so.  Usually, I O between cd15-17, so this is late for me. 

I had EWCM on 20, but my OPK was definitely not positive.  It's still getting progressively close to a positive, but my EWCM had dried up and it's now back to hostile CM.  So..... It's likely I missed my surge, but then wouldn't my OPKs be fading?  Instead they are getting darker?!? This leads me to speculate that my body is jacked.  Getting EWCM mucous and actually O'ing a separate times...... O'ing 7+ days later than usual???

I wish and hope with all my might that someday SOON I will finally have that moment where I don't care about it at all.  Where I can finally throw in the entire towel and say "fuck it, I don't care one bit".  I'm obviously not there yet, but I'm making baby steps. 

To those of you who have experience with this..... have any insight??? I had a natural FET (BFN) two cycles ago, so I don't think it's from the drugs...... I am exercising pretty hard 5-6days a week right now, but that's not a huge change from my daily routine, but it is a change. 

Weddings and the emotions they bring

This past weekend we attended a family wedding.  One of Jake's cousins got married on the beautiful Central coast of California.  We, along with Jake's mom and brother's family, made a 5 night camping vacation out of the wedding.  Overall, it was a complete blast, and I'm so glad we went.  Taylor got to spend some great quality time with her cousins.  Tay and her cousin, C, are 6 months apart.  It was sooo much fun to watch them play together.

Taylor and C dancing at the wedding <3

 

Weddings always have this way of bringing out the best and worst of my emotions.  I love seeing Jake all dressed up and handsome.  I love being reminded of what love is, and witnessing all the LOVE in the air. I love catching up with old friends, family, and meeting new people.  I love the food and dancing, and the champagne.  Lately, I always seem to get very emotional, and really count my blessings at weddings, and this is good thing.  I have a fabulous husband who loves me unconditionally, even when I am bat shit crazy.  I have a perfect, healthy, beautiful little girl who loves me more than anything in the world.  I have great family and wonderful friends who invite us to their weddings because they love us, and want us to be a part of their most special day.  It's really important for me to count what blessings I do have.  Infertility loves to rob me of my thankfulness from time to time, and it's moments like these  that I'm able to steal that thankfulness back. 

 

These two humans make my heart full.  They are my world, and I love them more than they will ever know.

 

Unfortunately, weddings also tend to bring out the worst in me.  I had a great time at this wedding, but it all came to a screeching halt when I turned on the water works in the cab on the ride home.  I was holding my 14month old nephew and I just started sobbing (the one I said sadly reminded me of what I could have if I got preggers right away with #2).  It went on later in the trailer as I cried to Jake for over an hour about how sick I was of this journey....... It was pretty ridiculous, and I'm sure the few glasses of champagne aided in my emotions.  But, I needed to let it out.  You see, people at weddings are also always assuming what's next for others.  So, I was asked numerous times where baby #2 was.  I was told by someone unaware of our journey that I better up and have #2 before Taylor got too old to care about a sibling.  I felt uncomfortable in far too many conversations.  This is what led up to the water works.  I hate that infertility brings be down at some of the best times.  But, such is life I guess. Throwing in the towel on ATTC is not at easy as it seems.  I can't just say "I'm done" and have all the emotions, and downfalls just slip away.  Oh Lord, how I wish it was that easy.  I'm definitely in some stage of the mourning process still.... and wow, what a fantastic stage it is.  The only thing I can say is that "it is just a phase.... it will end... there will be and end".

 

Luckily, a couple nights later, I got to spend some great time with one of my longest and very best friends at the Mid State Fair in Paso Robles, CA.  We had dinner, walked around, and watched most of a Phillip Phillps and John Mayer concert.  Seeing her and venting about my ups and downs of the weekend made me a much happier lady.  It's always nice to catch up with friends who I don't get to see as often as I would like to. 

                                      Yes, I'm drinking Bud Light..... don't judge lol

Results are in





Today is the last day of the 10 day challenge. I should actually weigh in tomorrow, but we are leaving for a trip this afternoon and there will be no scale. This 10 day clean eating pledge flew by! But even in 10 short days, I had to practice a lot of will power to not eat or drink things offered to me. I'm very proud of myself for sticking to it, and I plan to do a 20 day challenge in the very near future.

Overall, I feel great! I feel lighter, bloated free, and energetic. I don't feel the least bit of guilt after a meal or snack because I know every nutrient going into my body is a good one. I started this challenge wanting to feel better and see some definition in my muscles. Well, my goals were achieved. 

It's hard to see a difference in the before and after photo, but I can tell and that's all that matters. Only difference I see on The photo is that I'm tanner now than 10 days ago lol

I think it's good that I did these before and after pics because now I can see what others always tell me. That they can tell if I gain 3-6lbs. It's true. I lost 4 lbs, but you can't tell!!!!

I started this challenge weighing 141..... I'm currently at 137 (I'm 5'6"). So I lost a total of 4 pounds!!!! I was really hoping to lose just 2 pounds, so I'm very happy!!!!

This was the little push that I needed to boost my self esteem before a wedding and family events. 

My goal through our vacation is to continue to eat clean. I plan to make my smartest choices, and not over indulge. Moderation is key. I'm going to bring wine and light beer back into my doer just for social purposes. But, once we get home... No more adult bev's on the weekdays! 

I also plan to not weigh myself any more than every 10 days. Above all, I'm super proud of myself for not stepping on that scale earlier. I wanted to so many times.

As for this moment, right now, I can say that I love my body, the way I look, and the way I feel.  Now only if I can keep this going....... :)

I am letting go

I don't even know where to start with this post.  It's going to be all over the place, as my emotions are all over the place...... so please bare with me.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I'm tired and my anxiety is on the rise due to a family trip with the In-Law's.  Deep down, I love Jake's family.  I truly do.  I have this huge issue with anxiety and lack of sleep when getting ready for any type of trip... no matter how long it is, how easy it is, etc.  I take all the fun out of the excitement of a trip for both my hubs and I until we actually get there and set up.... then I chillax... a little.  I am my mother, in this sense.  I remember watching her stress the f**k out when prepping for trips, and I used to think "why is she so crazy?!?!" Well, I'm that crazy lady now.  I don't love this part of me, but I accept it.  Anywho, we leave Thursday afternoon for the central coast of CA for 5 nights.  I've just started packing, and haven't even stepped foot in our 5th wheel yet.  But, I'm already anxiety ridden and losing sleep just because my head doesn't stop spinning.  It's filled with anxiety that I get everything done, still make it to the gym, and eat clean.  It's anxiety ridden that I have to spend 4 nights surrounded my a lovely, chaotic, whirlwind that I am so not used to (sidebar- in MY family, our family gatherings were as much as a 1/2 day of togetherness, then everybody went home.  So, being with a huge group of family for 5 days straight is something new to me..... well, 8 years new lol). 

Anyways back to my anxiety.  I'm also nervous and stressed out about my rising feelings of jealousy, anger, bitterness, and extreme sadness from comparing my life with that of  other's in Jake's family.  I HATE comparison, I HATE having ill feelings, but I accept them... then I try to hide them.  These feelings arise all because of fucking infertility.  I want to be able to say, "hey, we're ready for our second child" and have one just pop in my belly for 9 months like every other person in Jake's family.  But, nope.  That's not our journey.  Last night, in the middle of my tears, I told Jake that "it's hard to be happy, when I watch everybody else have what we want so badly", to which he replied "ya, but they're lives aren't perfect either.  Do you think that they like having their husbands/dad's gone for two weeks at a time?.... they might have the two kids that you want, but their kids barely get to see their father" And, while Jake did have a point..... they DID CHOOSE that career path for their family knowing full and well the schedule.  I DIDN'T CHOOSE to have secondary infertility.  But, his overall point was to STOP comparing.  And, he's 100% right about that.  All I'm doing is robbing the joy that I DO have by comparing.  Yes, part of our life fucking sucks right now, but there is so much good...... soooooo much greatness.  And with that, I started crying because I knew that I have to let go.  It's really truly time to let go. 





Yesterday was ridiculous for me.  But, I'm glad it happened as I needed to go through those emotions, and end it with a heart to heart with Jake. Yesterday was spent at the MIL's house with my SIL (Jake's brother's wife) and her two kids.  C is 6 months younger than Taylor and B is 14 months old.  They live out of state, but are here to visit for the entire month of July.  I have this problem with looking at B and just thinking that I could have a child his age if I got pregnant when we first started trying.  SIL and I started ATTC our second at the same time.  She got lucky, and I didn't.  So, as much as I love my nephew, his age hurts my heart.  The bigger grows, the longer I've been ATTC.  It's a painful reminder.  I wasn't in a good mood yesterday... SIL was on my nerves for other reasons...... and we spent 4+ hours with her and her kids... along with her friend who has her two kids.  I just sat there with nothing to say.  I couldn't relate to their convo's of comparing siblings, second birth experiences, fighting siblings, sharing rooms, moving babies to own rooms, etc.  I felt so left out.  So empty, embarrassed, barren, excluded, angry, jealous, bitter, and sad.  So fucking sad.  I want to be part of that group, and join in the convos.  But, I don't belong.  I'm not a mother of siblings and I probably wont ever be.  I hope and pray that one day I learn to be okay in those convos, even though I can't relate. 

There have only been a handful times that I know I wasn't good at hiding the emotions of infertility.  This was one of those times.  I didn't even try, I was over it.  It didn't help that I was tired and already irritated with our sister in law (Jake's brother's wife).  In retrospect, I didn't like theway I acted and neither did Jake apparently.  He wasn't mad at me, but he was mad at my emotions. He was frustrated that infertility has led me to feel like that, because that isn't me. 

All of this led to a lengthy late night discussion and a good cry.  In short, Jake said he's sick of seeing me upset, and wishes I could just be content with the way things are, and frankly, so do I.  It's like pulling teeth to get Jake to open up and say what he really means, so after getting his true feelings out, we've decided to finally let go of any "trying" on our part of this journey.  There is no reason for me to keep perfectly timing intercourse, or researching why I might not be getting pregnant.  It is what it is.  I'm ready to give up.  I'm so done trying, and my husband is too.  It feels really good to say that.  Simultaneously, it's really scary.  We have been ATTC for over 2 years now, so it's going to take a lot of conscious effort to switch it all off.  I plan to do it in baby steps. 

The first baby step is to do away with and TTC boards, to do away with OPKs, and to tell myself to STOP when I start thinking about ATTC.  Of course we still hope of a miracle...... but it's safe to say at this point, aside from our last hail mary FET.... we are "not trying, but not preventing".

With that said, I have a phone consultation with Dr. B today to discuss our FET cycle.  Jake and I have decided to move forward with the FET and go with whatever Dr. B suggests, and do it the soonest  cycle possible. I'm not going to ask to do anything that he doesn't already suggest.  I'm going to ask for the protocol that puts the least power in my hands.  We are going to put all of this in Dr. B and God's hands.  Obviously we have no power. 



 

 

I pinned this photo probably over a year ago, and I've looked at it multiple times since then.  And, I've always thought, "I can't wait until I can actually say this." Well, here it is people...... 

Day 8 of the 10 day challenge



10 Day Clean Eating Pledge update: So far, I'm doing pretty good.  I haven't had one bite of sweets, I've avoided alcohol entirely, and I haven't weighed myself in 8 days.  As far as the clean eating goes, I have done great at home.  We had two meals at friend's houses, where I chose the best options I could.  I chose a turkey sub sandwich at a birthday party, with white bread, which is a NO-NO, but I was starving and wanted to avoid snacking on chips, pretzels, and candy.  So, I made my best choice.  The other meal was a hamburger on a whole wheat bun, with some beans.  This meal wasn't as bad, but I'm pretty sure the buns nor the beans  were the "cleanest" option, but beggars can't be choosers.  All my other meals have been as clean as possible, so I'm happy.  I feel great! I'm not bloated at all, I don't feel lazy or guilty after a meal, and I have ton's of energy.  It's been hard to not drink in social situations, where I would usually have one glass of wine or one beer.... but this is a challenge and I'm challenging myself to just say NO! Mind of Matter. Instead, I just chug my water and snack on raw carrots, celery, and radishes.  Oh, and chew a lot of gum lol.  Thursday is the last day of the challenge. 

We leave Friday for a mini vacation and family wedding.  I'm hoping to make good food choices over the vacation, and stick to wine and champagne for drinks.I love me some beer, but it just makes me bloated and tired.   This shouldn't be too hard as the only meal we won't be preparing ourselves from our trailer is the wedding.  So, if I pack my trailer with clean food, my family and I will eat clean food. 

I'll update again when the 10 days is complete.... hopefully with a before and after picture and some details :)

If you want more info on the 10 day pledge I took, here is the link. 
This website is amazing for all things related to eating clean.  http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/take-the-10-day-pledge/

 





10 Days

I'm challenging myself for 10 days. 

I'm challenging myself to eat clean, following the 80/20 rule for 10 days. 

I'm challenging myself to absolutely no alcohol for 10 days. 

No desserts for 10 days. 

And lots and lots of water for 10 days. 

Originally, I was considering the AdvoCare 10 Day Challenge, but decided all I really needed to do was eat clean, cut out alcohol and sweets, and drinks an Insane amount of water. So...... Here goes. Another main challenge is to not step on a scale for 10 days. I've fallen back into the rut of weighing in daily. I then let that number determine my morning mood. This isn't healthy, and I need to get out of the routine. The scale is now hidden. 

My basic meal plan is this:

Breakfast: coffee with Almond milk for creamer.... Vitamix veggie/fruit smoothie with a clean protein powder 

Morning snack: raw fruit or veggie 

Lunch: salad filled with raw veggies and a balsamic/ olive oil dressing 

Afternoon snack: raw fruit or veggie and/or nuts 

Dinner: lean meat, lots of veggies, and whole grains 

"Dessert": berries, organic popcorn, or plain nonfat Greek yogurt. 

Here is my lunch salad from today. It was super yummy and calculated 246 calories! 

So..... Here is my before and current. I can't believe I'm posting this.... I'm slightly embarrassed as I NEVER do this. But, I want to motivate and inspire, so here goes. Before was right after my miscarriage. I was bloated, eating like crap, and drinking beer daily. Current was yesterday in the middle of the day after swimming with Tay. My hopes are that after 10 days of no alcohol, clean eating, and my normal workout regime that my abs will tone, and my muscles will be more defined. I'm proud of how far I've come since then, but I want to tone up some more. 

 

This will be a log 10 days. I have two parties to attend next weekend where I will have to resist sweets and junk food. But, I can do this. I want to do this. Day 11 is a wedding, so I can "reward" myself then with some champs and some bites of Taylor's slice of cake. 

If nothing else comes of this... At least I will be jump starting my body for our upcoming FET. 

If anybody wants to join me, I would love a buddy!!!!! 

4 years ago today

It was exactly for years ago that I found out I was pregnant with Taylor.  I had suspected it on July 4th when I attempted to drink a beer and it tasted horrible and I couldn't even think about sipping any type of alcohol.  The next day, I tested and had a shadow of a line, followed by a day of nausea and I just knew.  The next morning I tested again and had a BFP.  That would have been exactly 4 years ago today.

Today, I'm filled with so many mixed emotions.  This isn't a day I usually mark on a calendar or anything... it was just kind of by mistake I even realized what today was.  I'm so incredibly thankful for our little girl.  She is our world, and will always be.  When she was lighting off fireworks on the 4th, I kept staring at her with such love in my heart.  She is such a blessing. 

We are getting ready to head to my parents' house for my Dad's birthday BBQ.  There will be 16 people, and Taylor will be the only child.  While she is sure to get plenty of attention, my family gatherings are usually pretty lonesome for her.  This makes me so extremely sad.  As I write about it, my heart aches and my eyes fill with tears.  I HATE that she doesn't have a sibling to play with.  I know she doesn't "need" a sibling, but it just brings me much sadness to hear her ask why all her Aunt's have had new babies and Mommy hasn't.  I hate that my sister lives in another state and therefore her and my niece, Melody, aren't ever at these events.  Too bad she loves where she lives and wont come home to good ol Kern County lol.  And while, I hate that she doesn't have a sibling.  Being around my family (and Jake's) brings me so much peace and comfort.  There are very few people that I feel completely comfortable around these days, and luckily my parents are still one of them.  So, although today makes me sad, I look forward to their company. 

We will be attending a family wedding on Jake's side in a couple of weeks.  This scenario also gives me lots of anxiety.  The plus side is that there will be an abundance of cousins all right around Tay's age for her to play with for 4 days straight.  This will be such a fun time for her.  Jake and I absolutely cherish the time that we get to watch Taylor play with her little cousins.  It is always time well spent.  The part of this situation that brings me anxiety is that I'm the only wife in this family to struggle with infertility.  The family really doesn't even comprehend what we're going through.  My SIL and Jake's cousins have all had more children when their oldest (or one of their older kids) is Taylor's age.  I feel extremely left out.  Left behind.  Less of a mother.  Inferior.  Incapable.  Less of a woman.  I know I'm not most of these things.  I know that.  But, it doesn't keep me from feeling them.  Infertility sucks and there is no way around it.  Most of this trip will be filled with fun times, happy feelings, and lack of time to think about my infertility.  But, there are certain conversations, and activities and comments during these family events where I just want scream, or cry, or run away.  I usually leave the group, cry, and then put my big girl panties on and join the group again.  It's really sad that Infertility takes away some of the joy from such joyous times, but it does, and I can't help it. 

Sorry for not proofreading this post.  I really needed to vent before heading out.  But, now I have to cut the brownies and get on the road. :)

Decisions, Decisions

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July.  Ours was pretty low key.  We went over to a friend's house.  It was just us and them and it was perfect. Pool, hamburgers, fireworks.... traditional Independence Day celebration :)


Currently, I'm on cd40 of a natural cycle.  I've taken 3 pregnancy tests starting on cd33 and all are BFN.  So, I'm guessing this is an annovulatory cycle?  Or I O'd extremely late? Or I've yet to O? I don't really know the answer as to why I'm late since I didn't check my temps or even use opks this cycle, considering I'm kind of on a break. Only thing I did was check my cm until about cd22 at which point I hadn't seen EWCM, so I figured I missed it or wasn't going to have any (normal for me when I still ovulate).  I've never wanted AF to show up so bad!!!! I've tried every scenario that has been know to bring on AF in the past..... wearing white, leaving the house without tampons, sex, crunches, and running.  Still nada.  This is making me crazy! I'm going to wait until next Monday or Tuesday to call my OB or RE (still haven't decided which one to call?) and let them know what's going on. 

This delay of AF has altered the tentative dates for my last FET attempt. Since I don't have a clue when I'm going to start now, it's hard to decide what month will be best.  I'm not planning on starting anything until the middle of August anyways, at the very earliest.  The middle of August or the middle/end of October would be the most two ideal times.  Maybe, just maybe, I will get AF around the middle of this month, and then everything will be on track for either two of those months.  Then, comes the decisions I've been struggling with. The decisions that consume my mind when I have down time.  The decisions that I wish I never had to make, and that many people never even think about.  This is (most likely) our very last chance at completing our family with a significantly higher success rate than the good ol natural baby dance.  It breaks my heart to know that this is it.  If this doesn't work.  We are really done.  Done with medical procedures, unless with decide to split the embryos up... but more on that later. Done ATTC.  Done.  That TERRIFIES me.  As much healing as I have done, and as much as I really am ready to give up and move on, I'm still really sad that my body has failed me.  That it has failed to do the one thing that so many women do over and over and over.  With that said, my decision to move forward in August vs. October would be because I want to
A) stop thinking about the frosties waiting for us and B) move on ASAP.  I figure the sooner the better for my heart and my mind to either A) finally get our miracle or B) move on and heal.  August would be the most ideal month.  But........ October 12th I'm signing up for a Volkslauf run/physical obstacle course. And on October 18th we go to Vegas for two nights.  So, the beginning of October holds two events that would obviously be more enjoyable not being pregnant.  We will go to Vegas no matter what.  We are going with friends to a motorcycle thing, and I will have fun regardless of if I can drink or not.  I'm just not sure whether I want to try before of after these events.  Part of me gets so mad for even debating this anymore.  But, the other part of me is so happy that I'm actually booking events these days instead of saying "well, I might be pregnant so I can't do that"

The other decision that comes with the FET is whether to put two embryos in or one.  I get headaches from thinking about this too much.  Dr. B briefly suggested that we put our last two (they are in the same vial) in next time.  Prior to this suggestion, he has been very adamant about only wanting to transfer one embryo per cycle.  I'm kinda pissed that the lab put two embryos in the same vial in the first place.  I know it's common, but if they would have looked at my chart, they could have seen that I do SET.  grrr, whatever.  So here's the choices
A) we transfer both embryos and hope that both don't stick.  If somehow both stuck and had heartbeats, I would either have to choose selective reduction or risk carrying twins with a small uterus.  Obviously both of those decisions royally suck!!!! Selective reduction is a very personal choice.  And, I get that it could be medically necessary, I just don't know that I could do it.  But, I know that I couldn't carry twins and be an active mother to Taylor, so twins is out the window.  I know my chances of having both embryos implant is pretty slim considering implantation is my problem...... but I can't do twins

 B) is to thaw both embryos, transfer the best one, and then try to refreeze the last one for one more attempt.  This is the most ideal option, because it gives us more chances and isn't as scary.  But..... it means twice as much money, and it means that I will be stuck in this vicious cycle for longer with another attempt.  Also, it's not guaranteed that the refrozen embryo would be any good once thawed for the second time anyways. 

C) is to implant the best embryo and donate the other.  I'm not really sure I'm ready to give up that last embryo, especially if I don't get pregnant, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to keep trying either.  I'm really at a loss of what to do.  .  Why on Earth do I have to make decisions like these?????

If we decide to go with option B, I need to do the first of two possible FETs in August. That way I can make sure to have both FET's (if needed) done before January, when I would get charged a storage fee.  I don't want to pay a storage fee for one embryo. 

Another set of decisions we are dealing with as a family breaks my heart.  As we decide where to send Taylor for 2 half days (3 hours a day) of preschool, I'm left with the bitter reminder that A) my precious baby girl is growing up and B) that it was our plan to already have a baby, maybe even a one year old at home with me while Taylor went to preschool.  On a selfish note, I'm having a really hard time with knowing that there isn't a baby here while she leaves for school.  I'm pissed that I now have to figure out what to do with my time that she's gone and be productive, when I should be having some one on one time with our second child.  This is really hard to get over.  I feel guilty shipping her off to school and hanging out by myself. Although, as an only child, I know she needs to go.  This makes me think I should go back to work, which makes me (and Jake) even sadder.  We are not ready for me to go back to work.  I'm going to stay home with Taylor until Kinder at least.  But, it's just weird to have her leaving, while I "find things to do".  In my heart I know I want to be home with her, even if she is gone for 6 hours a week.  But, I feel like a lot of people are expecting me to go back to work because I don't have a baby at home to care for anymore.  And that sucks. 

Anyways, back to the decision of where to send her. We viewed  the two preschools that are both highly recommended next to our house.  They were both.... okay.  I wasn't super duper impressed with either.  But, my guard is up.  I'm obviously having issues letting go of my little girl growing up,  so nothing looks good lol.  As a former teacher, I would hate if somebody judged my entire schedule and day from viewing my class for two minutes, so I'm trying to remind myself of that.   Now we just have to decide if we want to send her to the bigger school, that has more money, more activities, more kids, more field trips, etc. Or, if we want to go with the smaller, more intimate school that has had the same teachers for 10+ years, but has far less money, less kids, less supplies, but just as much love and learning.  Taylor personally wants to go to the bigger school because we drive by it everyday and she says "that's my school mamma, I go there after we go to Melody's house" (We told her she can start school after our trip to Oregon to see her cousin, Melody).  Plus, we have neighborhood kids that go to the big school, and she knows they go there.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.  All these decisions drive me crazy!  I can't complain because at least I have embryos to decide what to do with, and at least I have a daughter and the funds to even consider preschool while I stay at home.  So, I hope I don't sound selfish.  It's just hard to make all these decisions that I never envisioned myself having to make. 

On a positive note, other than all these decisions, I'm still doing pretty good emotionally.  I'm able to be around my pregnant friends without coming home and crying (although I am thinking about skipping one's shower due to 3 huge pregnant bellies being there).  We've been so busy doing all kinds of fun things.  I've really been enjoying my time with my daughter.  Without a baby in toe, we are able to do such much at the drop of the dime, and I'm trying to take full advantage of that.  Today, we're off to a make up swim lesson, then to see Monster's University with my mom.  Then, my mom asked if she could take Taylor for the night.  So, Jake and I will have a date night!!  Tomorrow, we go to my parents' to ride my horse, and bbq for my Dad's birthday.  Fun times :)

If you read this whole post, I applaud you and thank you.  It was a lengthy one!