It turns out that I have some type of Mullerian Anomalie (aka abnormal uterus) and have had it all my life. My OBGYN had be get a HSG (dye test) to see if my tubes were blocked or what might be causing me to not get pregnant this time around. Low and behold, I have an Mullerian Anomalie. Apparently my uterus was malformed while I was in my mama's womb 28 years ago. This wasn't a huge surprise as my OBGYN thought I was some type of issue with my uterus when undergoing my c-section with Taylor. The fertility specialist, OB, and radiologist are all in agreement that I have a unicornuate uterus. Wow!! How cool, there is a unicorn in my uterus! NOT!!!! Basically, I have half of the reproductive system that "normal" women have. Which means, I pretty much have half the chance of conceiving that "normal" women have. Oh lucky me.
"But, you already have one kid and so it should be no problem getting pregnant again" - WRONG. I've heard something along this line so many different times that I cringe when I know somebody is starting to say it. According to the health professionals involved with my fertility, my daughter was pretty much a blessing and a miracle. Because, A) she was conceived, when many women with a UU have a hard time with implantation; B) I didn't need any medical intervention to get pregnant and C) I carried her to full term and had little problems. She is our little miracle and the further down this road of secondary infertility I go, the more I realize that. The reason I'm having problems getting pregnant for the second time are pretty much unknown. My case is different because I'm the classic case of "Unexplained Secondary Infertility", but with a side of Unicornuate Uterus. Sounds appetizing, doesn't it? I've had one, maybe two chemical pregnancies, which basically means I'm having problems implanting this time around. Oh joy. There's nothing more heart breaking than hearing your finally pregnant, but that it's not viable. Worst day ever. Add in the fact that my chances of conceiving naturally are about 10-12% when the "normal" healthy couple has a 20% chance.
Another frustrating thing about having a mullerian anomalie is that there is so little known about them. It's pretty much impossible to do my own "research" via Dr. Google. It's defiantly a feeling of claustrophobia to know that I have a condition that not much is known about, and very little studies have been completed.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Here's the thing about Secondary Infertility..... it sucks! Royally! There is nothing worse than knowing you're failing to give your daughter a sibling. There is nothing worse than watching that age gap grow larger and larger. Oh wait, there is something worse.... infertility in general. At least I'm fortunate to have have my little miracle child. I know many women would kill to have just one child, and my heart goes out to them.
This has been a rough week mentally. And, it's been and even rougher morning. First of all, I'm a planner. I like to know ahead of time what events I have coming up so I can mentally and physically prepare for them. Well, this week, family gatherings were thrown on me that I barely even had time to clean my house, get groceries to feed them all, and mentally prepare myself for having roommates for few nights. Gotta love family, right? I'm not the best at this, but I feel like I handled it pretty well. That is all minor stuff in the grand scheme of things, right? Mentally, I've had a rough week. It's been hard to meet my nephew for the first time and know that his mommy and I started ATTC at the same time. He is 4 months old and I'm still not pregnant. I love him to pieces, but I can't help but be upset for not having a little cousin at least on the way for him to play with. In addition to this, my wonderful little daughter has become more and more obsessed with pregnancy and mommy having a baby. It breaks my heart when I have to tell her "No, there isn't a baby in my belly". I seriously think she is confused since there are SOOOOOOO many people around us that are pregnant, or popping out little blessings. The other day she asked if mommy had a baby in her belly, and I said "no, not yet". She replied "next time". I instantly broke down. UGH. This it's so hard to not be able to give your child a sibling as planned. I haven't given up all hope, but it seriously makes my heart drop to know she wants and needs a sibling and I'm failing to give her one. This morning was a buzz kill at Taylor's swim lessons. I'm finding it harder and harder to be at these family settings with a child her age (2.5) It seems that almost every other mother there either already has multiple kids and the toddler is their youngest, or they have a newborn as well, or they are knocked up. And then there's me,
crazy-train riding, jealous, Miss. Infertile with my unicornuate uterus hiding under my skin. It's literally painful to sit there and be the only one that doesn't have another one on the way. Especially when I've gone through everything I have. That's the thing that REALLY sucks about secondary infertility. You can't just ignore family settings. You can't just do adult like activities, and go on extravagant vacations, and live like newlyweds. Why? Because (luckily) you already have a little blessing. So, you are placed in these family settings with pregnant fertile mertiles at parks, lessons, classes, play dates, pediatrician's offices, etc. And while most of me loves being there for my little blessing, there is a part of me that cringes at seeing all the newborns and pregnant ladies. It's the very jealous, bitter part of me. But, I will keep on keeping on and attending these places for my little miracle. She is our world, and without her, I would be lost.
Isn't it ironic the way life unfolds? Never did I ever think I would be sitting here wondering if I will ever have a second child. I mean, I got pregnant naturally on my 3rd cycle with my daughter. Here I sit, on my last round of Bravelle injections before moving on. Moving on to what? We're not yet sure. We either have to make the big leap and pursue IVF or we have to decide we are okay with our family of three and move on with our lives, and going with the whole "not trying, but not preventing" outlook. Decisions... Decisions
This has been a rough week mentally. And, it's been and even rougher morning. First of all, I'm a planner. I like to know ahead of time what events I have coming up so I can mentally and physically prepare for them. Well, this week, family gatherings were thrown on me that I barely even had time to clean my house, get groceries to feed them all, and mentally prepare myself for having roommates for few nights. Gotta love family, right? I'm not the best at this, but I feel like I handled it pretty well. That is all minor stuff in the grand scheme of things, right? Mentally, I've had a rough week. It's been hard to meet my nephew for the first time and know that his mommy and I started ATTC at the same time. He is 4 months old and I'm still not pregnant. I love him to pieces, but I can't help but be upset for not having a little cousin at least on the way for him to play with. In addition to this, my wonderful little daughter has become more and more obsessed with pregnancy and mommy having a baby. It breaks my heart when I have to tell her "No, there isn't a baby in my belly". I seriously think she is confused since there are SOOOOOOO many people around us that are pregnant, or popping out little blessings. The other day she asked if mommy had a baby in her belly, and I said "no, not yet". She replied "next time". I instantly broke down. UGH. This it's so hard to not be able to give your child a sibling as planned. I haven't given up all hope, but it seriously makes my heart drop to know she wants and needs a sibling and I'm failing to give her one. This morning was a buzz kill at Taylor's swim lessons. I'm finding it harder and harder to be at these family settings with a child her age (2.5) It seems that almost every other mother there either already has multiple kids and the toddler is their youngest, or they have a newborn as well, or they are knocked up. And then there's me,
crazy-train riding, jealous, Miss. Infertile with my unicornuate uterus hiding under my skin. It's literally painful to sit there and be the only one that doesn't have another one on the way. Especially when I've gone through everything I have. That's the thing that REALLY sucks about secondary infertility. You can't just ignore family settings. You can't just do adult like activities, and go on extravagant vacations, and live like newlyweds. Why? Because (luckily) you already have a little blessing. So, you are placed in these family settings with pregnant fertile mertiles at parks, lessons, classes, play dates, pediatrician's offices, etc. And while most of me loves being there for my little blessing, there is a part of me that cringes at seeing all the newborns and pregnant ladies. It's the very jealous, bitter part of me. But, I will keep on keeping on and attending these places for my little miracle. She is our world, and without her, I would be lost.
Isn't it ironic the way life unfolds? Never did I ever think I would be sitting here wondering if I will ever have a second child. I mean, I got pregnant naturally on my 3rd cycle with my daughter. Here I sit, on my last round of Bravelle injections before moving on. Moving on to what? We're not yet sure. We either have to make the big leap and pursue IVF or we have to decide we are okay with our family of three and move on with our lives, and going with the whole "not trying, but not preventing" outlook. Decisions... Decisions
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