For this child I have prayed

"Mommy, I want you to have a baby in your tummy.  Can you try? Are you still trying? I want you to have a girl, and I want her name to be Sophia." - Taylor, 3.5years old, 10/21/2013

Yesterday was my second appointment with my new OB.  I was 11weeks1day.  I'm more than excited to say that everything, once again, went well and on track.  The little bean was kicking and moving.  We saw a strong heartbeat, legs, arms, and an obvious head.  There has been so much change and growth since the last appointment.  I'm in love.  I'm in awe.  I'm still in disbelief that this is really happening.  Most the time it still feels like a dream.  After 2 years of nothing but let downs, I became very used to accepting the bad news and planning for the next attempt to get me to this point.  Now, here we are.  Pregnant, and so close to being in the second trimester. 

The worry and the fear fades with every passing day. It fades with every bout of nausea, and other pregnancy related symptoms.  It faded tremendously after the appointment yesterday.  Knowing that we've seen a strong healthy, progressing baby 4 times now is very reassuring.  Again, I know I'm not in the clear yet, and in no way, shape, or form, do I feel worry free..... but I'm starting to enjoy this the way I should. The way I want to.  We worked damn hard for this.  Prayed a million times for this.  Spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for this.  Went through a lot of emotions, fights, crying, bitterness, and jealousy for this.   I BETTER start enjoying it! We've told almost all of our close family and friends.  Taylor still doesn't know.  I don't really know what's holding us back now, as we said we would if yesterday went well, but neither of us are ready to tell her yet.  She will know soon enough.  We're just not ready.  I'm still scared of breaking her heart if God forbid something went wrong now. 

Yesterday, I cried. A lot. I cried because I was extremely happy and relieved after our appointment.  I cried because I felt blessed.  Because I felt freed from so much pain and sorrow that I've harbored for a very long time.  I cried because our dreams are finally coming true. 

How do you turn off the worry?

I've been a basket case of emotions lately.  I know the pregnancy hormones are mostly to blame, but I've have these overwhelming fears and anxieties that I can't seem to kick.  I hesitated to write about this, because I don't want to sound whiny, dramatic, or like I'm making something out of nothing.  But, this is my blog for getting my feelings out.  This is my journal that I chose to share with others so that I could maybe connect with others going through the same thing.  And, I know that I'm not the first person to get pregnant to worry about miscarriage.  I know I'm not the first infertile woman to worry that what I've worked so hard to obtain will be taken away from me.  So, please bare with me as I get out my worries, and update on the good news. 

 I made the move from a very large group practice and an OB who I've been with and trust for over 4 years to a private practice who came highly recommended, and whom my RE has even worked with.  I've had many issues with my old OB's office.  Not him necessarily, but the office in general.  A couple of events during my D&C as well as fighting with the office about a bill that they cannot contractually bill me or my insurance company, and I was ready for a switch.  I had my first appointment with a brand new OBGYN last Monday, and all was great. He was great! It was supposed to just be a consult, but after viewing my chart he had his nurse move me to the u/s room so we could get a peek. He repeated many times that he understands how hard I've worked to get this baby and he would do everything in his power to keep the baby.  He also explained that he was very u/s happy... score!  The unexpected u/s made me super nervous and excited.  I noticed that there wasn't a trans vaginal wand.... would he be able to detect the baby and hb at 9 weeks with a normal u/s??? If not, I might be a hot mess until the next apt?!?!?! Luckily, baby was easily found, moving around and heart beating at 169bpm.  I couldn't have been happier. I left feeling so much better.  So confident.  My m/c rate was now 2%. I liked the OB a lot for many different reasons, so I'm glad I made the switch.  And.....we even thought about telling Tay the good news today........

Then, I learned that an infertile friend who was due the same day as me lost her baby.  They had seen a heartbeat multiple times, and when she went in at 9weeks, there was no heartbeat.  Devastating.  My biggest fear.  To get the blessing of a pregnancy only to have it ripped away and be left empty.  This left me mindfucked.  Sad.  Worried.  This could have been me. This still could be me.  And, it's so scary!  This is one part of infertility where my gained knowledge does me no good.  When I was pregnant with Tay, we told everybody after our blood test! Can you believe that?!? I didn't have a worry in the world.  I knew m/c was possible, but I figured if I didn't bleed or cramp, I was good.  This time is much different..... I'm not even worried about bleeding or cramping.  I'm worried about a missed miscarriage.  I'm worried about the baby dying without me knowing it. 

Now, the positive side of me knows that the odds are on my side.  I have a 2% change of miscarrying, which means I have a 98% chance of a continuing  pregnancy.  This is the furthest I've made it since conceiving Taylor, and as far as we know, I don't have any problems with later miscarriage.  So, I SHOULD be good.  I'm trying so very hard to turn the worry off, or at least tone it down.  But, it's so hard to do.  How do you stop worrying about losing something that you've worked so hard to get?  Now, I know that miscarriage is usually nature's way of getting rid of the abnormalities, but that's usually only happens 1:4 pregnancies, so I should be good there. Right?

I made the HUGE mistake of checking the "birthboard" for May 2014 on Babycenter.  Bad fucking idea! Right now there are many women who are expressing miscarriage concerns, or who are posting about having no heartbeats.  I don't even know why I looked on that board.  It's not like I needed help with anything! I was just bored and wanted to see what other people were going through.  Never again!

I was supposed to have my very last appointment with Dr. B tomorrow (Friday). But, after having a long chat with him on the phone, he decided I didn't really need to come back in since I had already had an u/s at 9weeks with my OB.  So, I graduated over the phone!  It's bittersweet for sure.  I will miss the care and attention I received there.  But, graduating from and RE's office feels AMAZING! But now, I'm kind of kicking myself for not keeping the appointment.  That would've given me one more u/s to check on the baby before I see my new OB again on 10/22.  12 days is going to seem like eternity!  Even with a wedding to attend, a play date dinner, and a 2 night Vegas trip!  I really would like to have that reassurance, but the logical side of me says it's a lot of time, money, driving, and planning for a u/s that I probably don't need.  But the stressed out basket case part of me wants to call and see if I can come in Monday or Tuesday instead of Tomorrow, just for the peace of mind.  But, it sure is a long drive....... Jake's idea was just to call my local OB, explain my concerns and see if I could come in for a u/s. Even if we have to pay OOP for it, it would still be cheaper and easier than driving to L.A.

All in all, things are good.  Yes, I'm a worry wart, but I think that's expected with that I've been through.  We have decided to hold off on telling Taylor until at least 11 weeks, despite that fact that she almost DAILY says something along the lines of "I want you to have a baby in your tummy, mommy." She's still very baby obsessed!  She's 3.5.... she can't handle bad news and cope like we can.  I want to protect her feelings, even if I can't protect my own.  So, we wait.  Plus, there will be PLENTY of time for her to know I'm pregnant if we make it to telling her.  She will have PLENTY of time to ask "when's the baby going to come out" "why is it taking so long" "how does the baby come out"

Friends, if you're the praying type, I ask that you pray for me.  For my sanity.  That this little raspberry sized baby continues to grow and thrive, and that it's little heart keeps on beating.  If you're not the praying type, then just send some positive vibes with way, would ya???

Our second little Miracle

Since the beginning of this blog, I've referred to our sweet little daughter as our miracle.  Because she really is a miracle child.  Isn't every child a miracle???? She came to us so easily.  During all of our struggles to complete our family, we've been told time and time again by professionals and well-wisher's that she's a miracle. I thank God for her everyday.  The morning before I left for our ultrasound, we were cuddled on the couch watching cartoons.  I told God that I would be more than grateful for another blessing, but that if it wasn't in the cards, that I would eventually understand.  And, that I had all I ever needed in this little blessing right in front of my eyes.   

 

Her first day of Preschool <3



 

 

Yesterday, my mom and I were blessed to see and HEAR a strong heartbeat of our second little miracle.  The little kidney bean sized baby's heart was beating away at 150bpm and I couldn't have been happier.  Everything is measuring right on track and looks just like it's supposed to.  I mentioned my mom was there...... Yes, I brought my mommy with me to the u/s.  Jake couldn't get the day off and I couldn't even fathom making that 2 hour drive home again if I received bad news.  So, I called my mom and asked if she could come with me.  Being that she is my closest supporter who really gets infertility, she has been by my side through this entire journey, and I LOVE and ADMIRE her for that.  Luckily, instead of driving her devastated daughter home, she got to witness her soon to be grandchild's teeny tiny heartbeat.  I'm so proud that I could give her that moment. 

 

 

This ultrasound brought a lot of relief and took away a lot of the worry.  I can finally say that I'm excited.  We are not out of the woods yet, and we still have 5 more weeks to go before reaching the lovely second trimester.   But, to hear a strong heartbeat, see appropriate growth, and hear my RE say that my chances of m/c are now 2%, I feel so much more confident. 

 

As of now, we are pregnant! With our second little (rainbow) miracle.  I feel so blessed and thankful! I have one more ultrasound and appointment with my RE a week from Friday (10/11).  If all is good at that meeting, I will stop the progesterone and estrogen.  I'll continue the baby aspirin through the first trimester.  I made a consultation appointment with a new OBGYN for this Monday, and hope to get started with him as soon as I graduate from the RE. 

 

This still feels surreal..... like I'm in a dream...... But, it's starting to become more and more real. But, I already know this pregnancy will be different.  I will worry more. I'm no longer naïve and carefree.  I will forever have the feelings of an infertile woman, and I will handle situations differently than in the past.  But, that's okay.  We are here now, and I will deal with it.  Plus, there is an upside.  I will be more grateful and thankful from the get go.  I will be more compassionate and understanding to those who are struggling.  I've grown a lot during this journey.