Time to focus on what I can control

con·trol

1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct. See Synonyms at conduct.

2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: controlled trading on the stock market; controls the flow of water.

3. To hold in restraint; check: struggled to control my temper.

4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: control insects; controlled the fire by dousing it with water.

 

I cannot control when I get pregnant.  For most people, you can control when you get pregnant.  That is a blessing and shouldn't be taken for granted.  I cannot control whether or not my body decides to have another chemical pregnancy.  I have no control over the spacing between my children.  I have spent so much time and energy over the past year and half focusing and obsessing over something that I have little to no control over.  I makes me CRAZY that I have no control over it.  But, I have to let go.  I have to start focusing on the things that I DO have control over. 

 

I can control my stress levels to some extent.

 

I can control and limit the amount of time I spend on Facebook in order to protect my feelings and reduce my stress and feelings of envy.

 

I CAN control my weight and focus on getting myself back to my happy weight.

 

I can work on focusing on my current life and all the good that is in it. 

 

Infertility is trying to break me.  And, for short periods, it succeeds.  But, I will not let this break me  down.  I have too much to be thankful for.  I have a beautiful daughter, and amazing husband, great family, some pretty awesome friends.  I have the privilege of being a stay at home mother, of owning a horse, of owning a house, a car, and two wonderful (but stinky) dogs.  Aside from my infertility, I have good health.  I have A LOT to be thankful for.  Yes, I am currently infertile.  Yes, it fucking sucks to be asked every fucking day if my daughter is my only one, and why.  Yes, I am trying with all my heart and soul to have another baby.  Yes, it is something I want more than anything.  But, I can't control whether or not it will happen. We are doing everything we can, and the rest is up to God. 

 

Infertility has changed me.  In good ways and in bad.   One of the things I hate is that I've gained so much weight and lost so much of my muscle tone.  It's official, I have gained every single pound back from when I started losing weight two years ago.  I am back to my starting weight of 142.  I was once down to 124, and was at my happy weight between 128-133.  I like to blame it on my infertility drugs, but mostly it's my emotions and my emotional stress eating.  Well, this has to stop. I said that if October wasn't my month, then I was going to focus on eating clean and getting in shape again.  I haven't started that yet.  Instead, I continued to stress eat as it's taken me longer and longer to heal after each failed cycle.  Well, I've accepted and moved on to this cycle (on day 12 lol) and now it's time to take CONTROL of something I can actually control.  It's time to stop the fucking horrible snacking and overeating.  It's time to eat the way that I know how.  It's time to get back to my happy weight.  For now, my goal is 135.  Once I hit that, I will buy a cute workout outfit and then work towards my ultimate goal of 130.  Eating and snacking has become my crutch throughout infertility.  It's becoming an addiction, and that scares the crap out of me.  I come from a family of addictive personalities.  I have an addictive personality.  I've been addicted to marijuana (many moons ago), cigarettes, exercise, and now food.  I cannot do this to myself.  I look in the mirror and hate my body inside and out.  I hate the inside because I feel so bitter and jealous of everybody who is passing me by, and because I'm infertile.  I hate the outside because I don't look the way I want to and I've gained so much weight in such a short amount of time.  It's time to step up and do something about it.  IT'S TIME!!!!

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to become a die hard Myfitnesspal user again.   My goal is to log in 20 days in a row.  Starting tomorrow, I'm not going to snack on crap food as soon as I get stressed or when my daughter is sleeping.  Starting RIGHT NOW, I'm going to accept that I have control over my weight and I'm going to focus on that. 

Halloween or National Hoebag day?

I love Halloween.  I love it more now that I'm a mother and I get to watch my daughter dress up.  This is the first year that she is actually excited to dress up in her costume.  She's the cutest Minnie Mouse ever.  I love Halloween decorations almost as much as I love Christmas Decorations.  But, I find myself enjoying adult Halloween parties less and less.  When did Halloween become national hoebag it up day!?!?! Seriously.  I have NEVER been the type of girl to pick up the trampy Halloween "nurse" or "cop" or "Playboy bunny" costume at my nearest adult store.  I've always been the type to go for homemade, funny, and unique costumes.  I kind of get it if you're 19, 20, 21, even 22 years old it's your time to show what your mama gave you and be somewhat justified.... but my group of friends is hitting or in their 30's and we have children.We are married.  We aren't fresh out of our parent's houses or in college.  This isn't our first Halloween party to attend where mom and dad don't have to approve our costumes.  We are not 21 years old.  It's crazy to me that some of them leave their homes and children to attend an adult Halloween party in the sexy nurse outfit.  crazy.  Last night I attended what might be my last Halloween party.  I'm just getting too old for this nonsense.  First of all, my friends and I put in a lot of hard work and dedication into our costumes.   We went at the cast from Forrest Gump.  I was Jenny, my husband was Forrest, my BFF was Forrest's mom, and her husband was Lt. Dan.  It was awesome.  We looked great.  On the way there, my friend and I joked about how we would be the only fully clothed girls there.  We were partly joking.  I kid you not.... besides another friend dressed as Flo from Progressive, EVERY other costume was bought at the hoebag store.  Seriously!?!?! It was sort of awkward.  I mean, how do you hold a convo with a friend you haven't seen since last year when her boobies are literally popping out at you??  The men love it of course, but at the same time, I guarantee my husband wouldn't want me dressed in that costume.  It's not who we are. I can't help but want to tell my mom and dad (who watched my daughter while I attended this shit show) that they should be proud of themselves for raising a daughter who doesn't dress like a hooker each and every Halloween.  Anywho, that's my rant on adult Halloween.