As I was catching up on my blogs today, I came across a post that I could relate to on so many levels. But, it wasn't from my fellow infertile bloggers. It was from a fitness/health inspiration blog. Bikini Body Mommy's blog is very inspiring for weight loss, healthy food tips, and such. But today, she posted a blog about the feelings brought on by miscarriage, and I was so touched. I just wanted to share the link here. There are definite triggers in there, but I'm doing my best to spread awareness from the journey I'm trapped in. If you feel up to reading about miscarriage and loss, and finding a story you can relate to, please head over to her blog and show her some love. If not, keep this lovely post in mind in case you know somebody who might need to read something they can relate too. Happy Friday!!
http://www.bikinibodymommy.com/2013/08/recovering-from-the-devastating-loss-of-miscarriage.html#comment-41305
Friday, August 23, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
unicorns and rainbows
8/21(today) - start progesterone shots
8/26 (Monday) - Embryo Transfer
9/4 or 9/5 - Beta #1
My appointment went well. Lining was the same. Well, actually it was measured at 9.8mm which immediately freaked me out because I thought it was thinning. I almost started crying. Dr. B assured me that it's fine. That each time they measure, it's not the same exact place. And, that the difference between 10 and 9.8 for them isn't even calculated. He was over the moon that it was that thick and not at the regular 6-7mm that I usually have at this stage. So, I'm LETTING GO OF THAT STRESS and being happy since the Doc is happy. Estridol and Progesterone levels were ready go. So, that means I start my PIO shots (progesterone) today. I'll be doing those shots EVERYDAY and continuing the estrogen shots every 3 days. That's a whole lot of shots in my ass!!!! Our transfer is scheduled for Monday 8/26 at 1:30pm. Hopefully, it's all worth it in the end.... and if it's not...... at least I never have to do those nasty shots, or feel each and every pregnancy symptom caused solely by progesterone again.
I'm currently *thinking* about hopping on a unicorn and riding it over a rainbow, but I'm not quite there. Nor do I think I can really let myself get all the way to that level of optimism and positivity, but hey, at least I'm thinking about it, right? From this point until about 6dpt is the most positive time for me. My body has done what it needed to do in order for a transfer to be scheduled. Everything looks golden right now (as it always does). And, on Monday I will be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise), which is always a great feeling. I've gained a teeny tiny bit more hope that this will work and lead to a BFP, then a heartbeat, then a baby bump, then a gender reveal, then a healthy sibling for Tay. But, I've been at these "picture" perfect cycles for far too long now to be unrealistically optimistic. So, for now, instead of riding my unicorn over a rainbow, I think I'll just sit and pet the unicorn and look at the rainbow...... anybody following me, or did I lose you all ??? LOL
Saturday, August 17, 2013
focusing on the now, thick lining, and preschool........... AKA random updates
Yesterday was a bad day, emotionally. Taylor had an extremely rough day, simply because she is 3 and testing EVERYTHING. And, I was just emotional from that, from the stress of this cycle, from being tired, from life. But, BUT.... Yesterday is over. And, I'm doing my very best to live in the now. Today is a good day.
I had a u/s and blood draw with the RE's office today. Dr. B was off today, but I saw one of his partner RE's, which was A-OK with me. I actually LOVE all of the RE's there and all but one of the nurses. My lining was at 10mm after 4 shots of Delestrogen! 10 FREAKING MM!!!!!! This is fantastic for me. The highest we have seen my lining was 9mm 2 days before transfer, so it maybe got up to 10-11mm at the day of transfer. I still have 9-12 days before my transfer and 1-2 more doses of Delestrogen, so it's almost guaranteed that my lining will continue to thicken. This little bit of information made my day. After that, I got home, ate a yummy and healthy lunch, then hung out with my two favorite people. Pretty good day if I do say so myself. Sometimes, it's the simple things.
I go back next Wednesday for another u/s and blood draw. If everything is where it should be, then I will start my PIO shots (progesterone shots) and have the transfer between Monday 26th - Thursday 29th. We have some flexibility over the day, so as long as everything is a go, I'm going to shoot for Monday the 26th for a few reasons. A) it's the soonest date, and I want to get the show on the road ASAP, as long as everything looks good. B) Taylor is starting preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 1/2 a day, so I don't want to be out of town when she is in school and rushing to get home in time C) Wednesday is gymnastics day for Taylor. D) Waiting until Wednesday would mean 10dpt would fall on a Saturday. I don't want to do a beta on a Saturday because I wont get the results until the following Monday, which would make it extremely tempting to POAS earlier than the beta.
But, overall, I'm living in the now... and right now things are good. Lining is good. Dates are looking good and creeping up slowly. These things have given me just a pinch more hope and optimism for this cycle. A lot could go wrong between now and then, but every positive step is a good one.
Back to Taylor starting school........ I cannot freaking believe it's time for her to start preschool. My little baby is growing up so fast. People ALWAYS tell you that it goes so fast, but it's one of those things that you can't quite grasp until you've been there. Well, it's starting. I'm both sad and uber excited for her to be starting school. Sad because our plans were different. I was supposed to have a 1 year old or newborn or at least be giving birth soon when she started. Now, I will be home...alone. Not what we planned, but we can't change it. I'm excited for her because she is going to LOVE it. I know she will thrive and get the interaction she needs that we cannot provide at home. I know she will have hard days, and that she will not love every minute of school, but I think we are making the right decision to send her. And that makes me happy.
I was very indecisive whether I was going to send her to preschool at all until 6 or so months before Kindergarten. I work with her a lot at home, she gets interaction through gymnastics, the gym kid-care, swim class, and play dates. But, the kid thrives in these types of environments. She has been begging and begging to go to school. And, Jake and I agreed that if she continues to be an only child, we think she needs this interaction. We will continue to keep her in 2 half days a week until 6 or so months before kindergarten and then will bump it up to 3 half days a week. This will allow us to continue gymnastics in the fall/winter and swim in the spring/summer.
Next RE apt: 8/21
Possible Transfer Date: 8/26
Possible Beta: 9/4 or 9/5
Sunday, August 11, 2013
The Plan
Here's what Dr. B and I have planned for our last Hail Mary attempt. He said that he didn't want to do the same exact protocol as the last FET as that obviously didn't work out in our favor. And I was totes on board with that. The last one could have failed because it was a bad embryo, but who knows. Since it was technically a CP, Dr. B feels that it was most likely due to implantation problems.
My CD2 bloodwork all came back normal. We also checked my thyroid and prolactin just for good measure. We hadn't done this since our first meeting over a year ago. Again, everything was normal. This time, I will take a baby aspirin daily. I'm also taking Delestrogen shots every 3 days until my uterine lining is ideal (for me at least) and my body looks like it's ready to ovulate. We are hoping by using the estrogen this time, instead of going natural, that we can build up my uterine lining as much as possible. We're also hoping that this will give us the most ideal timing, and will alleviate any stress on my part since I wont have to use OPK to detect my ovulation. Once lining is ideal, I will trigger and have the transfer five days later. I will then start up PIO shots and the Delestrogen once again until my first beta.
We were given a 40% chance of getting a BFP.... that's a whole lot higher than the 5% chance I was given of natural conception. So, I'll take it.
I'm just going to be hoping and praying that my body cooperates, and that the embryo(s) survive the thaw and are in the same shape they were before they were frozen.
Also, I have already decided that I will absolutely positively NOT POAS before a beta, given we make it that far. Last attempt, I started POAS at 6dpt and it was pure HELL. This time, I'm going to enjoy being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) especially since this will be my very last time having the opportunity to be PUPO.
My CD2 bloodwork all came back normal. We also checked my thyroid and prolactin just for good measure. We hadn't done this since our first meeting over a year ago. Again, everything was normal. This time, I will take a baby aspirin daily. I'm also taking Delestrogen shots every 3 days until my uterine lining is ideal (for me at least) and my body looks like it's ready to ovulate. We are hoping by using the estrogen this time, instead of going natural, that we can build up my uterine lining as much as possible. We're also hoping that this will give us the most ideal timing, and will alleviate any stress on my part since I wont have to use OPK to detect my ovulation. Once lining is ideal, I will trigger and have the transfer five days later. I will then start up PIO shots and the Delestrogen once again until my first beta.
We were given a 40% chance of getting a BFP.... that's a whole lot higher than the 5% chance I was given of natural conception. So, I'll take it.
I'm just going to be hoping and praying that my body cooperates, and that the embryo(s) survive the thaw and are in the same shape they were before they were frozen.
Also, I have already decided that I will absolutely positively NOT POAS before a beta, given we make it that far. Last attempt, I started POAS at 6dpt and it was pure HELL. This time, I'm going to enjoy being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) especially since this will be my very last time having the opportunity to be PUPO.
This is it...... our last attempt
AF arrived on CD29, just like usual this month. But, that means I had a 7 day LP??? Not the best, but whatever, I'm glad to be back on track. This month's AF was light, unexpected, and short lived. This all leads me to believe that my beefed up workout regime along with cutting calories is to blame for messing with my cycles. When I look back to Fertility Friend and think about it, when I was training hard and trying to lose weight last time is when my cycles were all wacky.... so I'm back to the normal "maintain and tone" regime. I'm not longer cutting calories, and in fact, I've gained all the weight back that I lost from my 10 day challenge. But, my body likes to be at this weight. This is my "easy" weight. This is the weight I was when I got pregnant with Taylor. I'm not as comfortable with this weight as I am weighing 5-10lbs less, but I'm healthy and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.
A lot has happened since AF first appeared 6 days ago....... We cancelled our trip to Oregon to see my sister and my niece due to all the fires in southern Oregon. The smoke was too bad at my sister's house for the girls (and us), and we didn't have the time or the money to drive and stay elsewhere. So, we postponed the trip until this winter or next spring. Taylor and I were super bummed, but what can you do?
With AF's unexpected early arrival, and a cancelled vacation, this cycle opened up to do our very last FET, and our very last medicated cycle..... EVER. It feels so bittersweet to write that. I mean, I'm so exhausted and done with all of this infertility stuff, but I'm not yet ready to let go. So, knowing that this is our last shot with medical help to conceive and bring home a baby is terrifying. I was so set on having a few more months to come to terms with the finality of things, but then this cycle just made more sense. We currently have the money. Our lives are never going to be "less busy". This cycle wont be interfering with any type of holiday season. Jake was ready. I was getting anxious. So, here we are, gearing up for what will be our last medicated cycle. Our last transfer. My last follie checks.
After an extremely long talk with Dr. B, and BOTH of his partner RE's...... Jake and I decided to put both of our B+ embryos in this time. All three of the RE's said that this is what they suggested, even with a unicornuate uterus. They all agreed that given my failure to implant with ALL of my picture perfect medicated cycles, there is an extremely low chance that both embryos will make it to a HB. They also agreed that if they were A+ quality, they might still suggest SET, but since both are B+, they are 100% comfortable with transferring both. Another reason they are okay with it is because I already carried one child to term, so my uterus should have to problem carrying twins IF that were to happen. After MANY discussions between Jake and I, and me consulting with the Mullerian Anomalies group, we decided to go with their suggestions. I figured if I was willing to take the risks of multiples with the higher doses of Clomid at the very beginning of the journey, then this is sort of the same??? I'm not going to lie and say that I'm 100% confident with my decision, but I'm going to do what all three RE's suggested to do. I'm going to pray A LOT that God shows us the right path, and that he is looking out for my health. Again, they all believe that my chance of both making it to HB is extremely low, so I'm going to trust them.
In fact, Dr. B doesn't seem very enthusiastic that this cycle is going to work anyways. And, I totally get it. He has brought up using a surrogate "next time". I haven't yet told him there won't be a next time, but he believes that the only thing keeping me from getting and staying pregnant is me. My uterine lining, and my uterus. He said that he would give me a 40% chance of getting a BFP this time, but that he can't say it will make it to heartbeat. It all depends on where it decided to try to implant. I have to say, his lack of enthusiasm is two fold. It's comforting to know that the professional in this situation see's things the same way. But, it's disheartening to know that my RE has basically given up on my body, and that there isn't much chance of us taking home a baby again..... ever.
I'm going to allow myself to be somewhat excited and hopeful for this attempt. I mean, I can't go into this all boo hoo'ing or why even try, right? So, for now I have a pinch of hope that MAYBE, just MAYBE everything will fall into place, and we will finally get our rainbow child. If this FET is a fail, then I will begin the real mourning and motions of letting go. At that time, I will know it's over, and our family is complete. But, for now, I'm choosing to hold on to that teeny tiny bit of hope that is left.
I was very hesitant to even post about my decisions because I know that it might seem risky, but isn't this all risky??? I don't know. At the end of the day, I'm trusting my RE, going with my gut, and praying that everything works out.
A lot has happened since AF first appeared 6 days ago....... We cancelled our trip to Oregon to see my sister and my niece due to all the fires in southern Oregon. The smoke was too bad at my sister's house for the girls (and us), and we didn't have the time or the money to drive and stay elsewhere. So, we postponed the trip until this winter or next spring. Taylor and I were super bummed, but what can you do?
With AF's unexpected early arrival, and a cancelled vacation, this cycle opened up to do our very last FET, and our very last medicated cycle..... EVER. It feels so bittersweet to write that. I mean, I'm so exhausted and done with all of this infertility stuff, but I'm not yet ready to let go. So, knowing that this is our last shot with medical help to conceive and bring home a baby is terrifying. I was so set on having a few more months to come to terms with the finality of things, but then this cycle just made more sense. We currently have the money. Our lives are never going to be "less busy". This cycle wont be interfering with any type of holiday season. Jake was ready. I was getting anxious. So, here we are, gearing up for what will be our last medicated cycle. Our last transfer. My last follie checks.
After an extremely long talk with Dr. B, and BOTH of his partner RE's...... Jake and I decided to put both of our B+ embryos in this time. All three of the RE's said that this is what they suggested, even with a unicornuate uterus. They all agreed that given my failure to implant with ALL of my picture perfect medicated cycles, there is an extremely low chance that both embryos will make it to a HB. They also agreed that if they were A+ quality, they might still suggest SET, but since both are B+, they are 100% comfortable with transferring both. Another reason they are okay with it is because I already carried one child to term, so my uterus should have to problem carrying twins IF that were to happen. After MANY discussions between Jake and I, and me consulting with the Mullerian Anomalies group, we decided to go with their suggestions. I figured if I was willing to take the risks of multiples with the higher doses of Clomid at the very beginning of the journey, then this is sort of the same??? I'm not going to lie and say that I'm 100% confident with my decision, but I'm going to do what all three RE's suggested to do. I'm going to pray A LOT that God shows us the right path, and that he is looking out for my health. Again, they all believe that my chance of both making it to HB is extremely low, so I'm going to trust them.
In fact, Dr. B doesn't seem very enthusiastic that this cycle is going to work anyways. And, I totally get it. He has brought up using a surrogate "next time". I haven't yet told him there won't be a next time, but he believes that the only thing keeping me from getting and staying pregnant is me. My uterine lining, and my uterus. He said that he would give me a 40% chance of getting a BFP this time, but that he can't say it will make it to heartbeat. It all depends on where it decided to try to implant. I have to say, his lack of enthusiasm is two fold. It's comforting to know that the professional in this situation see's things the same way. But, it's disheartening to know that my RE has basically given up on my body, and that there isn't much chance of us taking home a baby again..... ever.
I'm going to allow myself to be somewhat excited and hopeful for this attempt. I mean, I can't go into this all boo hoo'ing or why even try, right? So, for now I have a pinch of hope that MAYBE, just MAYBE everything will fall into place, and we will finally get our rainbow child. If this FET is a fail, then I will begin the real mourning and motions of letting go. At that time, I will know it's over, and our family is complete. But, for now, I'm choosing to hold on to that teeny tiny bit of hope that is left.
I was very hesitant to even post about my decisions because I know that it might seem risky, but isn't this all risky??? I don't know. At the end of the day, I'm trusting my RE, going with my gut, and praying that everything works out.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Quick Update
So, it's now CD25, and Fertility Friend suspects its 2dpo. I NEVER got a +opk on FRER or Digi, but it was sooo close on the morning of CD22, that I'm assuming it would've been + that evening. Plus, the surge had completely faded with FMU on CD23. I have NO idea why my body is having such delayed O, missing O, or whatever. Last cycle, I thought it was either due to taking Melatonin or because I just came off a natural FET or a combo of both. But, to have two LONG cycles back to back it something completely new to me. Yes, it could be stress, but for 2 cycles in row to be thrown off that much??? I don't think it's stress, I've had much more stressful months than this. Who knows. Fact is, I will never know.
Obviously, I'm done with a full fledged break. Fact is, I'm not ready to be done yet. A lot has changed. I have let go of A LOT. I have found contentment with some parts of this journey. But, neither Jake or I are completely ready to wave the white flag. We're getting there. Still taking baby steps. We only bd twice during my late "fertile window". Usually, I try to follow the every other day rule, but we figure if it's supposed to happen naturally, twice will suffice. We didn't stress it, and that felt GOOD.
I just wanted to thank all of my fellow infertiles who are always commenting and show nothing but support. Also, I wanted to thank those of you who I don't talk to as much anymore, yet you still check in, comment, and show that you genuinely care. All of you support and love means soooo much to me. Thanks a million!
Obviously, I'm done with a full fledged break. Fact is, I'm not ready to be done yet. A lot has changed. I have let go of A LOT. I have found contentment with some parts of this journey. But, neither Jake or I are completely ready to wave the white flag. We're getting there. Still taking baby steps. We only bd twice during my late "fertile window". Usually, I try to follow the every other day rule, but we figure if it's supposed to happen naturally, twice will suffice. We didn't stress it, and that felt GOOD.
I just wanted to thank all of my fellow infertiles who are always commenting and show nothing but support. Also, I wanted to thank those of you who I don't talk to as much anymore, yet you still check in, comment, and show that you genuinely care. All of you support and love means soooo much to me. Thanks a million!
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