1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence
over; direct. See Synonyms at conduct.
2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: controlled trading on the stock market; controls the flow of
water.
3. To hold in restraint; check: struggled to control my temper.
4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: control insects; controlled the fire by dousing it with
water.
I cannot control when I get pregnant. For most people, you can control when you get pregnant. That is a blessing and shouldn't be taken for granted. I cannot control whether or not my body decides to have another chemical pregnancy. I have no control over the spacing between my children. I have spent so much time and energy over the past year and half focusing and obsessing over something that I have little to no control over. I makes me CRAZY that I have no control over it. But, I have to let go. I have to start focusing on the things that I DO have control over.
I can control my stress levels to some extent.
I can control and limit the amount of time I spend on Facebook in order to protect my feelings and reduce my stress and feelings of envy.
I CAN control my weight and focus on getting myself back to my happy weight.
I can work on focusing on my current life and all the good that is in it.
Infertility is trying to break me. And, for short periods, it succeeds. But, I will not let this break me down. I have too much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful daughter, and amazing husband, great family, some pretty awesome friends. I have the privilege of being a stay at home mother, of owning a horse, of owning a house, a car, and two wonderful (but stinky) dogs. Aside from my infertility, I have good health. I have A LOT to be thankful for. Yes, I am currently infertile. Yes, it fucking sucks to be asked every fucking day if my daughter is my only one, and why. Yes, I am trying with all my heart and soul to have another baby. Yes, it is something I want more than anything. But, I can't control whether or not it will happen. We are doing everything we can, and the rest is up to God.
Infertility has changed me. In good ways and in bad. One of the things I hate is that I've gained so much weight and lost so much of my muscle tone. It's official, I have gained every single pound back from when I started losing weight two years ago. I am back to my starting weight of 142. I was once down to 124, and was at my happy weight between 128-133. I like to blame it on my infertility drugs, but mostly it's my emotions and my emotional stress eating. Well, this has to stop. I said that if October wasn't my month, then I was going to focus on eating clean and getting in shape again. I haven't started that yet. Instead, I continued to stress eat as it's taken me longer and longer to heal after each failed cycle. Well, I've accepted and moved on to this cycle (on day 12 lol) and now it's time to take CONTROL of something I can actually control. It's time to stop the fucking horrible snacking and overeating. It's time to eat the way that I know how. It's time to get back to my happy weight. For now, my goal is 135. Once I hit that, I will buy a cute workout outfit and then work towards my ultimate goal of 130. Eating and snacking has become my crutch throughout infertility. It's becoming an addiction, and that scares the crap out of me. I come from a family of addictive personalities. I have an addictive personality. I've been addicted to marijuana (many moons ago), cigarettes, exercise, and now food. I cannot do this to myself. I look in the mirror and hate my body inside and out. I hate the inside because I feel so bitter and jealous of everybody who is passing me by, and because I'm infertile. I hate the outside because I don't look the way I want to and I've gained so much weight in such a short amount of time. It's time to step up and do something about it. IT'S TIME!!!!
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to become a die hard Myfitnesspal user again. My goal is to log in 20 days in a row. Starting tomorrow, I'm not going to snack on crap food as soon as I get stressed or when my daughter is sleeping. Starting RIGHT NOW, I'm going to accept that I have control over my weight and I'm going to focus on that.
Very good point on controlling what we can and not driving ourselves crazy about the rest. Much easier said than done I know! It's really hard when we give up pieces of ourselves in the process of TTC, and still don't have a baby to show for it. I just wish I could have a baby already, and then go crazy with fitness and get back to my super fit self! But instead, I am doing the same thing...snacking on crap, because if I can't go balls out why even try to some extent. It does help to think of what I'm putting in my mouth as a way to grow a healthy baby though. I keep trying to remind myself that the foods that are good for pregnancy are also good for conceiving, and that doesn't mean ice cream and sugar 7 nights a week! lol GL to you! You sound like your mind is made up, and I'm excited for you!
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