Cleared another hurdle

We saw it.  It was there.  A teeny tiny little flicker on the ultrasound screen that Dr. B assured me was a normal looking heartbeat.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I couldn't believe it was real.  There was ONE heart beating inside my uterus and it made me feel on top of the world.  I'm so thankful.  I'm feeling very blessed, relieved, and triumphant.  Simultaneously , I'm still feeling scared, numb, in shock, different. 

Scared that the little heartbeat wont be there next time we go.  Scared that something will go wrong and that my little blueberry size baby will not grow.  I HATE that I'm so scared.  I was NEVER like this with Taylor.  But, I'm not that person/mama anymore.  Infertility has changed me.  Motherhood has changed me. And that is OKAY.

Numb because it still doesn't feel real.  Everyday, with every bout of nausea, exhaustion, or headache, it gets a little  more real.  But it's just different. 

In shock.  I kept telling Jake and myself "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." I was so afraid to get my hopes up more than they already were, that I had already pictured Dr. B telling me he didn't see anything.  So, to hear differently was..... SHOCKING. 

I feel different.  I don't feel like a normal pregnant lady. I don't have the same feelings as I did before.  Yes, I have the same SYMPTOMS, but not the same FEELINGS, if that makes any sense.  We told the world we were pregnant with Taylor after ONE confirmed blood test.  This time, we find ourselves being much more cautious.  Our parents, and one of Jake's brother's knows.  Some of our closest friends know, but other than that, we are still scared to tell.  Which, again, is okay.  I also feel different because I'm stuck in this limbo of "is this really happening" and "is this baby going to be taken away from me?" I imagine, with time, and more reassuring u/s this will get easier. 

I was on pins and needles on the way down there. Then, the last few minutes waiting in the room half naked felt like eternity.  ETERNITY I tell you. I clenched Jake's hand hoping that my body wasn't going to let both of us down. Praying that we see signs of viability.  Luckily, Dr. B came in said "I'm sure your nervous, lets get right to it" and then we chatted about everything after.  I was 7 weeks yesterday.  He said usually if a pregnancy is going to go downhill, it happens by 7 weeks, so we are on the uphill.  But, he also said we aren't out of the woods yet, which I already knew.  I go back on Wednesday, Oct 2nd for another viability scan, and then hopefully I will be released to my local OBGYN. 

Although I still have a lot of fear and worry, that little precious heartbeat surely did lift some of it away.  This is the farthest we've come in 27 cycles of ATTC, and over a year of treatments at the Fertility Clinic.  So, I'm grateful and oh so happy we've made it this far.  Now, all we need if for that sweet little blueberry to continue growing and thrive.  We can do this! We've made it to the heartbeat!