PTSD???

I'm pretty certain that I'm experiencing some degree of PTSD because of my last, unsuccessful pregnancy that ended in m/c.  My PTSD first flared up when I had to relive the whole experience that I talk about here when a D&C was needed after I thought I was already done with the miscarriage process.  In the weeks following that, I had nightmares, I had chest pain, difficulty breathing, I felt numb, was anxiety ridden.... I could go on and on.  Well, for the most part that tapered off.  I feel that to a degree, it's back.  But in a different way.

Last night Jake and I were talking about a local cop who was shot in the head(he survived thankfully)  the other day during a routine pull over.  We were discussing if he was ever back on active duty, how it would seem so hard to not think that every little pull over or confrontation wasn't going to end with someone shooting at your head.  Then, it got me thinking about myself (although my situation is obviously not life threatening) and this fear I have with every second of this pregnancy.  As happy as I am to have made it this far, and as much as I actively try to not worry, and live for the moment.... it's extremely hard for me not to compare to our miscarriage.  Even though I rationally know that this is a different pregnancy and we CAN see a healthy pregnancy at the ultrasound on Monday, I keep imaging that it's going to be exactly the same.  That I'm going to leave completely heartbroken and crushed once again.  It's really hard for me to get past that.......

Today, I'm 6 weeks pregnant.  With the miscarriage, I started bleeding at 6w1d.  For whatever reason, that day is a huge hurdle for me to get past, as irrational as it is.  So, if I wake up tomorrow without any bleeding, that will be one more weight lifted off my shoulders.  Then, I just have to make it to the ultrasound where I SHOULD be far enough along to see a heartbeat.  I really feel after I see that little flicker on the screen, I will have a lot more peace and confidence and a lot less worry. 

I've been having so many great signs of a healthy pregnancy, and I'm really holding on to those: all day nausea, food aversions, bloating, tired, sore boobs, increased sense of smell, and crazy changes in emotions.  The nausea/morning sickness seems to be getting stronger and stronger.... which is A-OK with me. 

I pinned all these quotes about worrying ruining things.... I have one on my phone as the screensaver and I try to look at them multiple times a day to remind myself that worrying WILL NOT change the outcome....... It helps.... even if it's just for a second



 



And, a little Bob....