Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

Wow, it's been awhile since I've updated my blog.  Mostly this is because I've just been busy.  With family.  With doctor appointments.  With life.  I've wanted to sit down and blog about my feelings, worries, and concerns many times in the last few weeks, but I never did.  Instead, I did my best to read the posts of my fellow bloggers and comment when I had an extra 30 seconds.  Another reason I haven't been blogging as much is that I don't have very much to say that I haven't said before.  A lot of my fears, concerns, daily happenings are just the same damn thing that they always are.  This is where public journals aka blogging is confusing for me.  I use my blog as my journal.  As a way to express my feelings and vent.  And, I need to do it more often.  But, when there is an audience reading your journal, it can feel silly to write about the same thing over and over. 

Anyways.... I'm currently 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  I'm officially in the 2nd trimester, which feels AMAZING! On Tuesday, I had a checkup with the OB where we got to see baby.  As of now, all is healthy, on track, and going as planned.  It still feels like a dream that this is actually happening.  Every day passed and every milestone hit still feels like a HUGE accomplishment. 

Prior to every appointment, I have my pre-appointment anxiety attack where I really start to worry that we will see the worst.  At this stage that is A) no heartbeat or B) delayed or no growth.  Tuesday wasn't any different.  My appointment wasn't until 4:00, so I had all day to freak out.  The last hour before my appointment I cried a lot.  I cried for so many different reasons.  Because I was scared, happy, blessed, and anxious.  As soon as we saw that little baby's heart beating all that worry went away. 

We announced to Taylor that she was going to be a big sister when I crossed the 13 week mark, and it went over very well.  She now refers to the baby as "my baby".  She asks what the baby is doing in my tummy.  She's excited to say the least..... but she really wants it to be a girl.... That's where things get tricky.  She's okay with it being a boy, but it's obvious she wants a sister... doesn't every little girl want a sister?

This was the first appointment that we took Taylor to that she knew what was going on.  It was the most amazing feeling in the world to observe Taylor as she watched the screen.  "It's so cute" "That's my baby" "Awe, so cute" It seriously melted my heart to see her excitement, and to watch Jake's face light up. I will never ever forget that moment.

Entering the second trimester took a lot of the miscarriage worry and fear away.  I'm letting go of the fear and worry more and more with every passing day, and allowing myself to enjoy this time.  Unfortunately, infertility and loss has changed the pregnancy bliss for me.  Of course, I'm still over the moon and excited.  But, after struggling to get pregnant for over two years, and experiencing two losses, I will never ever be a normal pregnant person.  But, that is okay.  Yes, I worry more and I deal with some form of PTSD, as well as truly accepting that this IS happening.  BUT.... after the struggle and things I've been through I'm also a lot more grateful.  I'm more caring.  Less self-centered.  More grounded.  I'm less concerned about how I physically look pregnant, and more concerned about enjoying my pregnancy to its max. 

I am so extremely grateful.  Grateful for the baby growing inside me. Grateful for my amazing husband. And grateful for my extremely supportive family and friends.  I'm doing my best to live in the now.  I'm getting over my hills.  At this very moment, I couldn't be happier.