The end is near

After battling infertility to get where we are today, it's really hard for me to complain about general pregnancy complaints.  It's difficult to express my worries.  My fears.  My concerns. I feel like I should be unicorns and rainbows and shit ALL.THE.TIME.  Because, I beat infertility.  Sadly, I still have many friends in the blogosphere and in real life that are still fighting.  Still waiting for their rainbow baby.  And, while I do my very best to not complain around them, and be as sensitive as I can, I also need to vent.  I need to express my emotions.  And so, here it is.

I'm 36.2 weeks today, and this pregnancy is starting to take it's toll on me.  I'm tired, sore, swollen, moody, forgetful, and anxious. I have pregnancy brain.  This baby is growing!  His head is constantly pushing up on my rib cage, and his little kicks, while still welcomed and loved, and starting to be quite uncomfortable.  Especially when he decides to karate kick my bladder.  That's a fun one.  Aside from lounge clothes, maxi dresses and skirts, I don't feel comfortable or cute in many of my maternity clothes anymore.  I'm sure that has a lot to do with the heat here in Southern California, as it's been high 80's and low 90's lately. 

With all the whining out of the way, I still can't say that I'm ready for this pregnancy to be over.  You see, I've been trying to get pregnant for a long time.  I succeeded, and I'm beyond grateful for that.  But..... I don't feel quite prepared to actually have the second baby.  And, in just 3-4 short weeks he will be here.  Even though the nursery is 98% complete,  we have everything we need for the first 3-6 months and then some, and I'm no longer going to be a first time mom, I don't feel ready.  It feels so hypocritical to feel that way. It's been just over 4 years since we brought home a newborn, and while most of it seems like yesterday, at the same time it feels like an eternity ago.  I'm sure we will work into a routine, and everything will pan out, but I can't help to fret that our entire lives are about the change. 

Much of my worries and anxieties revolve around Taylor.  I worry about leaving her for 2+ nights to have this baby.  We've left her plenty of times, and at least a handful of times for two nights with either set of grandparents in the past.  And, she always does well.  She starts missing us by the third morning, but is always happy and well taken care of.  This is different. The difference is that this time Jake and I will be away from her while snuggling, bonding, and caring for another child.  In an irrational sort of way, it feels like we are cheating on her, or leaving her out.  Obviously, parents do this all the time, and we are extremely lucky to have my mom and Jake's mom to spend time with her while we are away.  I remember when I first had Taylor, my mom said "I bet you feel like you could never love any other child as much as her, huh?" And, already at that time I felt that way.  I still feel that way, and that's a scary thought.  I've been told this is a normal feeling, and that as soon as I hold that little second miracle of mine that will all change.  And.... even if it doesn't change immediately, it will over the course of a couple weeks.  Please, someone, tell me this is normal?!?! That's I'm not completely losing it!?!?!

How far along?  36.2 weeks
Total weight gain?   25-28lbs!!!  I know I'm at least up 25lbs.  When I weighed in this morning, I was actually up 28lbs, but I think it was off. That would mean 3.5-4lbs in one week!  While totally doable, it doesn't seem accurate.... or at least that's what I'm telling myself haha. 

Maternity Clothes? Yes! Most of my jeans are getting a tad bit to snug for my liking.  But, I live in maternity clothes.  And PJ's.  Pajamas are my jam.
Stretch marks?  Not yet. 
Sleep: I'm happy to say that my sleep has vastly improved.  As our parties, celebrations, and over all busy-ness has slowed, my sleep has improved.  I'm not longer taking Unisom nightly.  It's more of a once a week thing.  yay!
Best moment this week:  putting away all the gifts and things that we've been given or have bought in baby's room!  It's so much fun to organize his room.
Miss anything?   I would say if anything, I miss wearing whatever shoes I choose.  Now, I wear based on which ones my feet fit in and will not swell up in. 
Movement:   Constantly.  I still love his kicks, punches, and such.  But they are becoming quite uncomfortable!
Food cravings:  FOOD!!!! I'm constantly hungry.  But, I cannot eat big meals.  Instead I graze ALL.DAY.LONG.
Anything make you queasy or sick?  Not really. 
Gender:  Boy!!!
Labor Signs:  I've been having more uncomfortable and sometimes painful BH contractions.  But, nothing that I'm concerned about at this point.
Symptoms:  Linea Nigra, swollen feet, rib pain, BH contractions
Belly button in or out?  Out
Wedding rings on or off?  Pretty much off.  For certain events, I wear my engagement ring by itself. But, usually leave them off or wear a different ring in lieu of my wedding bands. 
Looking forward to:  Our ultrasound appointment tomorrow to determine position.  I'm excited to get one last glimpse of him before he makes his debut... and to possibly finalize plans in regards to VBAC vs RCS .  I'm also really excited to hit the "early term" mark on Monday @37 weeks! 

 

Lastly, I leave you with a few of the photos taken at our family maternity shoot.  We decided to focus on us, as a family of three, instead of just Jake and I.  It just seemed fitting for our family dynamic.  Especially since Taylor wants this just as much, and is just as ecstatic about it all as we are <3

Goodness, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this little girl!  It just doesn't get any better than this!