I am content

Do you have any clue how good it feels to write those 3 words..... I am content!  On March 4, 2013 I wrote a post about how I was trying to become content with my life.  Being content isn't something that comes easy for me.  For most people really.  I'm always planning.  Always wanting something more.  Always working to improve.  And, while it isn't necessarily bad to do those things, there is a great feeling of relief and comfort that comes from being content. 

I always knew I wanted two children.  I've never imagined more.  Never less.  So, obviously secondary infertility really through me through the ringer.  I tried my hardest to give up my dream of having another child once we knew it might not ever happen.  And although I could let it go for a day or two.  I just couldn't give up.  In fact, if Wyatt wasn't here now, I don't know that I would have given up.  I was already planning for surrogacy in the back of my mind.  Luckily, that wasn't needed, and we were blessed with little Wyatt who completes our family of four.  I am content with our family. 

Since first moving to the armpit of California, aka Bakersfield, I've always wanted to move.  Then, once I married Jake, we both planned to move. First to the Lake Tahoe area.  Then, once we decided that was too far, we thought about the Oakhurst area.  Then, the Central Coast.  Anywhere but here! Well guess what, it feels so good to say that I'm actually very content living here.  I love my house.  I love that I'm less than an hour away from my parents and in-laws.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my little neighborhood and all the friends that we have here.  I adore my circle of friends, and I can't imagine leaving them.  Yes, the central coast is paradise.  But, I can vacation there.  I can be there in 3 hours or less.  I have learned that being near my family and my support system is more important to me. This might change down the road, but for now I am content with where we live. 

I've always struggled with my body image.  Why, I don't really know.  Probably because I have a pudgy stomach no matter how fit or skinny I am, and I'm very self conscious about it (Thanks, Dad).  Ironically, I struggled with my body image the most when I was the skinniest.  I was always so worried about what I was eating down to the last calorie.  I was so worried that if I didn't get at least an hour workout in that I might gain weight or lose my muscle tone.  But most of the negativity stemmed from infertility.  I began to doubt my body.  Hate my body.  Resent my body.  It was hard to look in the mirror.  I was mad at my body.  Once I hit the second trimester with Wyatt, that all started to change.  I loved my bump.  I loved my growing body.  I loved showing off my baby bump that I worked so hard to achieve.   Since having Wyatt, I've gone through some ups and downs about the way I look postpartum.  I'm 10lbs heavier than pre-pregnancy.  I'm flabby, giggly, and pale.  My former self would be at the gym twice a day, and eating raw veggies and chicken breast daily. After my initial pity party that breastfeeding wasn't going to be instant liposuction for me, I find myself being pretty content with my heavier, softer, bigger self.  Do I want to stay this was forever? NO! And, I know that I wont.  I love to exercise, and we eat healthy as it is.  But, I'm not in a hurry.  For now, I am content with this postpartum body that gave me two miracle children that I love more than I can put into words.