"I decided to be that voice. I know how much more difficult this road can be when you travel it alone; feeling like God is punishing you, feeling like everyone is looking at you and wondering why you are waiting so long. Hearing comments like “Don’t wait too long to give her a sibling otherwise she’ll be spoiled.” I know it’s not meant to hurt, but it does. A lot.
I started on this journey.... a few months after my daughter turned two(it was 1.5 for us); ... Getting pregnant with her was pretty easy. I had an amazingly easy pregnancy and a really quick labor. I thought it would take no time to get pregnant again.........
I was angry at my friends who told me they were expecting their second after only a couple months. I was angry at my sister-in-law who told me she was expecting her fourth(second for us, but children only 20 months apart), and then my other sister-in-law made her pregnancy announcement not too long after that.....
I’m done playing the blame game; I’m done being angry at God and feeling like I’m being tormented or condemned to eternal suffering. I’m done ruining my life and my marriage with my anger, jealousy, and negativity. I don’t have any more energy for it. I’m done crying every night,now I only cry once or twice a month. I’m done being ashamed and embarrassed of my condition. I’m done feeling alone and isolated. I’m done trying to avoid those “so when are you guys going to have another one?” questions.
I want my life back. I want to enjoy the two beautiful gifts God has already handed to me on a silver platter and said “Here, have an amazing life!” The gifts I have not paid attention to for the past years because I’ve been too busy being miserable. They are my sweet, kind, sensitive, brilliant husband and my beautiful, incredible, amazing, daughter......" Taken from Secondary Infertility by Rachel Fayga @ http://www.aish.com/f/hotm/103422779.html
I'm finally getting to that point where I'm just over it. I'm over putting so much time and effort into trying to have another child, when my body, God, Mother Nature or whoever clearly has other plans. I'm exhausted, defeated, and ready to move on. I have an amazing husband and a wonderful daughter. I want to enjoy each and every moment of what is happening right now. I want to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Does that mean we are giving up and going to stop TTC?? Absolutely not. I will still be doing 1-2 FETs.... one sooner and one in the fall or later, if necessary. But, I'm going to do my very best to just live one day at a time. Enjoy my wonderful life that I have, and gear up for the FET when the day comes. On unmedicated months, we will do our best to make use of our "fertile window", but it will be an estimate. No OPKs, no tracking, no checking cervical mucous. NO MORE! I'm done. If our family is done, it's done. I cannot change that, and that is okay. Things aren't working out just as we planned but it is perfect the way it is. There is no use worrying over it. I obviously have no power to change the outcome, so why waist every ounce of energy thinking about it, planning it, spending money over it???
It's time to just be content with my life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with contentment. Yes, it's great to strive to achieve your goals, to be a hard worker, and to make your dreams happen. But, at the same time, contentment can be a wonderful feeling. I want to feel content, and I'm getting closer every day. I admire people who are just content with the way things are. My sister is content with having little money, but living off the land and leaving as small a footprint on this world as possible. My sister-in-law is content with her life, as crazy and hectic as it may be. My grandma is the most content, happy, loving, beautiful, inspiring person I've ever met. I want that, and I'm working on it, and it feels so good.
It sounds like you are in such a good place right now!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting this. It is definitely a good reminder for all of us that as stressful as ttc may be, we need to keep our focus and be thankful for the things that we already have in our lives. There have been numerous times where I've driven my hubby crazy with all of the tears, anger, and jealousy that occurs during this process. There's no time like the present to take a step back and just really appreciate everything that we have. Thank you for this reminder :)
You're very welcome, Sara. I'm glad you could relate
DeleteI loved this post Darcy. I think so many of us are at war with ourselves over TTC for so long, especially those of us who are usually very goal driven. You are right....this is the one thing we have no control over at the end of the day.
ReplyDeleteI just want to tell you I think you are handling everything with such grace. Reading your post was a good reminder to myself that ultimately I need to find a way to be content no matter what. As we enter our first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle, I also need to remember as badly as we want this and as much as we try to do all the right things to help it be successful, it may not be. Even if I do all the right things in the world, it may not get me pregnant or I may miscarry. I need to find a way to be content with whatever the outcome is, and like you, at some point if it's not working, I need to find a way to be ok with that too.
Thanks, Emily. As always, I appreciate your kind words and support. It's hard to accept that our lives may not fall into place just like we wanted, or at least not when and how we wanted.... but it's very important to learn to accept that for our own sanity and happiness. Good luck with IVF :)
DeleteFinding that "happy place" or that "content place" is hard for everyone. To me, you have to step back, examine the positives in your life, and you and your family decide what's best for you guys. Only you can ultimately decide where to go next....my advice would be to do exactly what you are doing. Pray about it, take some time off, step back and examine where you want to go next. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice. Just more hugs and prayers.
ReplyDelete*big big hugs* You are such a strong woman, and I admire you so much. Good luck with your journey! Stay strong!
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