It turns out that I have some type of Mullerian Anomalie (aka abnormal uterus) and have had it all my life. My OBGYN had be get a HSG (dye test) to see if my tubes were blocked or what might be causing me to not get pregnant this time around. Low and behold, I have an Mullerian Anomalie. Apparently my uterus was malformed while I was in my mama's womb 28 years ago. This wasn't a huge surprise as my OBGYN thought I was some type of issue with my uterus when undergoing my c-section with Taylor. The fertility specialist, OB, and radiologist are all in agreement that I have a unicornuate uterus. Wow!! How cool, there is a unicorn in my uterus! NOT!!!! Basically, I have half of the reproductive system that "normal" women have. Which means, I pretty much have half the chance of conceiving that "normal" women have. Oh lucky me.
"But, you already have one kid and so it should be no problem getting pregnant again" - WRONG. I've heard something along this line so many different times that I cringe when I know somebody is starting to say it. According to the health professionals involved with my fertility, my daughter was pretty much a blessing and a miracle. Because, A) she was conceived, when many women with a UU have a hard time with implantation; B) I didn't need any medical intervention to get pregnant and C) I carried her to full term and had little problems. She is our little miracle and the further down this road of secondary infertility I go, the more I realize that. The reason I'm having problems getting pregnant for the second time are pretty much unknown. My case is different because I'm the classic case of "Unexplained Secondary Infertility", but with a side of Unicornuate Uterus. Sounds appetizing, doesn't it? I've had one, maybe two chemical pregnancies, which basically means I'm having problems implanting this time around. Oh joy. There's nothing more heart breaking than hearing your finally pregnant, but that it's not viable. Worst day ever. Add in the fact that my chances of conceiving naturally are about 10-12% when the "normal" healthy couple has a 20% chance.
Another frustrating thing about having a mullerian anomalie is that there is so little known about them. It's pretty much impossible to do my own "research" via Dr. Google. It's defiantly a feeling of claustrophobia to know that I have a condition that not much is known about, and very little studies have been completed.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Here's the thing about Secondary Infertility..... it sucks! Royally! There is nothing worse than knowing you're failing to give your daughter a sibling. There is nothing worse than watching that age gap grow larger and larger. Oh wait, there is something worse.... infertility in general. At least I'm fortunate to have have my little miracle child. I know many women would kill to have just one child, and my heart goes out to them.
This has been a rough week mentally. And, it's been and even rougher morning. First of all, I'm a planner. I like to know ahead of time what events I have coming up so I can mentally and physically prepare for them. Well, this week, family gatherings were thrown on me that I barely even had time to clean my house, get groceries to feed them all, and mentally prepare myself for having roommates for few nights. Gotta love family, right? I'm not the best at this, but I feel like I handled it pretty well. That is all minor stuff in the grand scheme of things, right? Mentally, I've had a rough week. It's been hard to meet my nephew for the first time and know that his mommy and I started ATTC at the same time. He is 4 months old and I'm still not pregnant. I love him to pieces, but I can't help but be upset for not having a little cousin at least on the way for him to play with. In addition to this, my wonderful little daughter has become more and more obsessed with pregnancy and mommy having a baby. It breaks my heart when I have to tell her "No, there isn't a baby in my belly". I seriously think she is confused since there are SOOOOOOO many people around us that are pregnant, or popping out little blessings. The other day she asked if mommy had a baby in her belly, and I said "no, not yet". She replied "next time". I instantly broke down. UGH. This it's so hard to not be able to give your child a sibling as planned. I haven't given up all hope, but it seriously makes my heart drop to know she wants and needs a sibling and I'm failing to give her one. This morning was a buzz kill at Taylor's swim lessons. I'm finding it harder and harder to be at these family settings with a child her age (2.5) It seems that almost every other mother there either already has multiple kids and the toddler is their youngest, or they have a newborn as well, or they are knocked up. And then there's me,
crazy-train riding, jealous, Miss. Infertile with my unicornuate uterus hiding under my skin. It's literally painful to sit there and be the only one that doesn't have another one on the way. Especially when I've gone through everything I have. That's the thing that REALLY sucks about secondary infertility. You can't just ignore family settings. You can't just do adult like activities, and go on extravagant vacations, and live like newlyweds. Why? Because (luckily) you already have a little blessing. So, you are placed in these family settings with pregnant fertile mertiles at parks, lessons, classes, play dates, pediatrician's offices, etc. And while most of me loves being there for my little blessing, there is a part of me that cringes at seeing all the newborns and pregnant ladies. It's the very jealous, bitter part of me. But, I will keep on keeping on and attending these places for my little miracle. She is our world, and without her, I would be lost.
Isn't it ironic the way life unfolds? Never did I ever think I would be sitting here wondering if I will ever have a second child. I mean, I got pregnant naturally on my 3rd cycle with my daughter. Here I sit, on my last round of Bravelle injections before moving on. Moving on to what? We're not yet sure. We either have to make the big leap and pursue IVF or we have to decide we are okay with our family of three and move on with our lives, and going with the whole "not trying, but not preventing" outlook. Decisions... Decisions
This has been a rough week mentally. And, it's been and even rougher morning. First of all, I'm a planner. I like to know ahead of time what events I have coming up so I can mentally and physically prepare for them. Well, this week, family gatherings were thrown on me that I barely even had time to clean my house, get groceries to feed them all, and mentally prepare myself for having roommates for few nights. Gotta love family, right? I'm not the best at this, but I feel like I handled it pretty well. That is all minor stuff in the grand scheme of things, right? Mentally, I've had a rough week. It's been hard to meet my nephew for the first time and know that his mommy and I started ATTC at the same time. He is 4 months old and I'm still not pregnant. I love him to pieces, but I can't help but be upset for not having a little cousin at least on the way for him to play with. In addition to this, my wonderful little daughter has become more and more obsessed with pregnancy and mommy having a baby. It breaks my heart when I have to tell her "No, there isn't a baby in my belly". I seriously think she is confused since there are SOOOOOOO many people around us that are pregnant, or popping out little blessings. The other day she asked if mommy had a baby in her belly, and I said "no, not yet". She replied "next time". I instantly broke down. UGH. This it's so hard to not be able to give your child a sibling as planned. I haven't given up all hope, but it seriously makes my heart drop to know she wants and needs a sibling and I'm failing to give her one. This morning was a buzz kill at Taylor's swim lessons. I'm finding it harder and harder to be at these family settings with a child her age (2.5) It seems that almost every other mother there either already has multiple kids and the toddler is their youngest, or they have a newborn as well, or they are knocked up. And then there's me,
crazy-train riding, jealous, Miss. Infertile with my unicornuate uterus hiding under my skin. It's literally painful to sit there and be the only one that doesn't have another one on the way. Especially when I've gone through everything I have. That's the thing that REALLY sucks about secondary infertility. You can't just ignore family settings. You can't just do adult like activities, and go on extravagant vacations, and live like newlyweds. Why? Because (luckily) you already have a little blessing. So, you are placed in these family settings with pregnant fertile mertiles at parks, lessons, classes, play dates, pediatrician's offices, etc. And while most of me loves being there for my little blessing, there is a part of me that cringes at seeing all the newborns and pregnant ladies. It's the very jealous, bitter part of me. But, I will keep on keeping on and attending these places for my little miracle. She is our world, and without her, I would be lost.
Isn't it ironic the way life unfolds? Never did I ever think I would be sitting here wondering if I will ever have a second child. I mean, I got pregnant naturally on my 3rd cycle with my daughter. Here I sit, on my last round of Bravelle injections before moving on. Moving on to what? We're not yet sure. We either have to make the big leap and pursue IVF or we have to decide we are okay with our family of three and move on with our lives, and going with the whole "not trying, but not preventing" outlook. Decisions... Decisions
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Infertility Etiquette - from Resolve.org
I think this is worth passing on. There are many people I'm surrounded by right now that could really benefit from reading this. Personally, I feel like I did my very best to not complain about my last pregnancy, or say anything hurtful to others that were struggling with TTC. I'm sure I was naive to some things I said that hurt people, but I'm sorry. I now know what it's like, and just thought everybody could benefit from reading a little Infertility Etiquette.
"Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again."
source: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Infertility Etiquette
"Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
- They will eventually conceive a baby.
- They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
- They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again."
source: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Who am I becoming?
Who am I becoming? I really don't know. Part of me is happy for the progress I'm making to better myself. Going to acupuncture and counseling is really starting to pay off. I can tell that I'm reacting in a more reasonable manner in stressful situations. I feel like I haven't ripped my husband's head off in a few days, so that's good. When it comes to having patience with myself, my daughter, and Jake, I can see an improvement, and that makes me feel better about myself. Yay for that.
But, on the other hand, I feel completely opposite of everything I just said in other regards. This whole "trying to conceive" thing is really taking a toll on me. It's making me a bitter, emotional, jealous, self-conscious, health nut. Who am I becoming? I don't like this person, and I want to avoid being like this, but it seems the only way to avoid it is to STOP trying to get pregnant, and I don't want that. I do all things I can to attempt to be relaxed about this whole process, but who can really relax when you know you're not ovulating, you know your uterus is fucked up, and it feels as if the world is passing you by. It's getting to the point where it seriously find it hard to be happy when people tell me they're pregnant. Yes, of course I'm happy for them, but I'm sad for me. Ya know? I look at my beautiful daughter, and watch her do the cutest things and it makes me want another one just like her. Yes, I'm happy and thankful that I have her, but why can't I give her a sibling? Why can't I give my wonderful husband another child to be such a great father to? Why can't I grow one more baby inside of me? I hope it happens, sooner than later, but at least that it just happens.
But, on the other hand, I feel completely opposite of everything I just said in other regards. This whole "trying to conceive" thing is really taking a toll on me. It's making me a bitter, emotional, jealous, self-conscious, health nut. Who am I becoming? I don't like this person, and I want to avoid being like this, but it seems the only way to avoid it is to STOP trying to get pregnant, and I don't want that. I do all things I can to attempt to be relaxed about this whole process, but who can really relax when you know you're not ovulating, you know your uterus is fucked up, and it feels as if the world is passing you by. It's getting to the point where it seriously find it hard to be happy when people tell me they're pregnant. Yes, of course I'm happy for them, but I'm sad for me. Ya know? I look at my beautiful daughter, and watch her do the cutest things and it makes me want another one just like her. Yes, I'm happy and thankful that I have her, but why can't I give her a sibling? Why can't I give my wonderful husband another child to be such a great father to? Why can't I grow one more baby inside of me? I hope it happens, sooner than later, but at least that it just happens.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Making some Changes
I've said it before....... "I'm not going to get so stressed out over little things; I'm not going to go ape-sh*t-crazy when I'm mad; I'm going to learn to be more relaxed; yadda yadda yadda. Well, this time I'm serious. I'm sick and tired of being a stress case. It's stressing me out. I was convinced that I wasn't enough of a stressful person that it could in fact keep me from getting pregnant. But, the more I read and think about it, my stress is a determining factor. So, how do I plan to really "fix" myself this time you ask? Well, there is not just one answer. But, I'm really starting to do some self reflecting, in addition to adding in some de-stressing exercises and techniques. First, I found a new counselor and for the first time, I left thinking "That went really well. We actually clicked. I'm actually going to go back." Along with that, I'm also continuing yoga, reading two books called Making Babies and The Worry Cure, and just making a conscious effort to not sweat the small stuff. If I don't dust they day of the week I always dust... so be it. If the Saturday plans don't go exactly as I envisioned.... so be it. My reasons for wanting to become more comfortable with myself, and to seek change are simple: I want to be more confident. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better mother, so that Taylor doesn't grow up to be a stress case, because let's face it... she is going to model my behavior and I want better for her. I want to become pregnant so badly that I can't find the right words to express my desire to conceive another baby..... a sibling for Taylor. If I keep stressing myself out both physically and emotionally, it's going to be a long miserable road. And I don't want that. So, here's to starting my new blog, my release, and becoming more comforable with the skin I'm in. Cheers.
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