Happy New Year

2013 was a rough year.  There were so many ups and downs.  We started of 2013 with stimming for IVF.  We were full of hope. We were thrilled to learn that our first try at IVF was successful.... or so we thought.  That thrill and hope was quickly shot down as I went through my first true miscarriage.... TWICE (first with pills, then with d&c).  The following months after that were a roller coaster and honestly a big blur.  Our first FET was a BFN and I was seriously ready to give up.  I didn't care anymore.  I was falling into a whirlwind of depression and anxiety.  I just wanted to move on.... and I had started to.  Then, in August, we decided to try one last time with our two remaining frosties before truly moving on.  And, we were finally successful.  The months following my BFP, Betas, early u/s were full of joy and fear.  It was extremely hard to believe that this might really happening.... and we might actually get to take home baby in 2014! I have a love hate relationship with 2013 to say the least.

I'm starting 2014 off 21 weeks pregnant with a baby boy, with what seems to be  healthy pregnancy thus far.  After hitting that halfway mark, I can finally say that I think we are going to make it.  I think our family is finally going to be complete, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  My growing belly is a beautiful reminder that I have beat secondary infertility..... with the help of science of course.  The now constant kicks and flutters make me smile and bring a sense of calming and peace.... and I truly could not be more thankful. 

I've learned a lot about myself and who I want to be this year.  I've learned that true friends are hard to come by.  But that true friends will stand by your side through the thick and the thin.  They will do anything to try to make your pain go away.  I've learned that there is NOTHING more important to me than my family.  Without my husband, my daughter, my parents, and my mother in law, I would have nothing.  They have been through this Hell with me.  My pain has been their pain.  My joys have been their joys.  My blessing is their blessing.  I learned that I've become so attached to the relationship I have with some of my closest friends and family that I cannot move out of this shit hole city anytime soon.  We will not live here forever. But, in my daughter's (and soon to be son's) first years of life, I want to be close to my mom.  My mother in law.  My best friends.  My support system.  My comfort zone.  I've learned that my husband truly loves me for who I am.  He has seen me at my worst this year, and he was nothing but supportive. I've learned a lot about my faith and lack there of.  I still don't know exactly where I stand in terms of belief of a higher power.  I want to believe, but I have questions and lots of them. But, what I do know it that there is power in prayer.  It brings me a sense of peace and comfort.  I've become more compassionate towards others.  I have found myself taking more time to help and support others, whether they have asked for it or not.  I've learned that my mom and my husband are my two best friends.  I've learned that parenting is all about choosing your battles, and I don't want to fight them all.

I haven't posted as much as I should.  I'm still struggling with the choice to continue this blog or not.  Most of my readers are struggling with their own infertility.  And, even though there is a sense of joy to see a fellow infertile win the battle.... it still hurts inside. There are days you just don't want to hear about Anybody being successful.  You still be left behind.  Therefore, there is a sense of guilt whenever I post about my joys and successes. But, I've decided to continue with this blog by writing about the things that I need to get off my chest.  No, every post won't be about my pregnancy, nursery, growing belly, etc etc. It will be about the struggles, and issues in my life.  I always feel a type of release when I blog.  And, that's exactly why I created my blog in the first place.  So, I will completely understand if you want to stop following my blog.  But, in an effort to warn my readers of what the topic of a post might be, I plan to make the Title very clear.  If I'm going to write about my pregnancy and such, I will clearly give that "warning" in my title, so it can be easily skipped over.   If my post is about general health, fitness, life, relationships, recipes, etc..... I'll do my best to make that clear in my title. 

I hope that 2014 brings many successes, happiness, and big achievements to all of you.  Happy New Year!