Being Content

In my quest to move on and refocus my attention on what I do have, I've been reading many articles about the positives to only children.  Instead of googling FET outcomes, protocols, and costs, I'm instead letting that go for now and googling all things "only child" related.  When I typed "only child due to secondary infertility" into the search bar, this article came up by Rachel Fayga, and I couldn't believe how much of it could've been taken straight from my brain.  It was crazy to read somebody's  thoughts and find it so easy to relate to. 

"I  decided to be that voice. I know how much more difficult this road can be when you travel it alone; feeling like God is punishing you, feeling like everyone is looking at you and wondering why you are waiting so long. Hearing comments like “Don’t wait too long to give her a sibling otherwise she’ll be spoiled.” I know it’s not meant to hurt, but it does. A lot.
I started on this journey.... a few months after my daughter turned two(it was 1.5 for us); ... Getting pregnant with her was pretty easy. I had an amazingly easy pregnancy and a really quick labor. I thought it would take no time to get pregnant again.........
I was angry at my friends who told me they were expecting their second after only a couple months. I was angry at my sister-in-law who told me she was expecting her fourth(second for us, but children only 20 months apart), and then my other sister-in-law made her pregnancy announcement not too long after that.....
I’m done playing the blame game; I’m done being angry at God and feeling like I’m being tormented or condemned to eternal suffering. I’m done ruining my life and my marriage with my anger, jealousy, and negativity. I don’t have any more energy for it. I’m done crying every night,now I only cry once or twice a month. I’m done being ashamed and embarrassed of my condition. I’m done feeling alone and isolated. I’m done trying to avoid those “so when are you guys going to have another one?” questions.
I want my life back. I want to enjoy the two beautiful gifts God has already handed to me on a silver platter and said “Here, have an amazing life!” The gifts I have not paid attention to for the past years because I’ve been too busy being miserable. They are my sweet, kind, sensitive, brilliant husband and my beautiful, incredible, amazing, daughter......" Taken from Secondary Infertility by Rachel Fayga @ http://www.aish.com/f/hotm/103422779.html

I'm finally getting to that point where I'm just over it. I'm over putting so much time and effort into trying to have another child, when my body, God, Mother Nature or whoever clearly has other plans.  I'm exhausted, defeated, and ready to move on.  I have an amazing husband and a wonderful daughter.  I want to enjoy each and every moment of what is happening right now.  I want to live in the moment and not worry about the future.  Does that mean we are giving up and going to stop TTC?? Absolutely not.  I will still be doing 1-2 FETs.... one sooner and one in the fall or later, if necessary.  But, I'm going to do my very best to just live one day at a time.  Enjoy my wonderful life that I have, and gear up for the FET when the day comes.  On unmedicated months, we will do our best to make use of our "fertile window", but it will be an estimate.  No OPKs, no tracking, no checking cervical mucous.  NO MORE!  I'm done.  If our family is done, it's done.  I cannot change that, and that is okay.  Things aren't working out just as we planned but it is perfect the way it is.  There is no use worrying over it. I obviously have no power to change the outcome, so why waist every ounce of energy thinking about it, planning it, spending money over it???

It's time to just be content with my life.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with contentment.  Yes, it's great to strive to achieve your goals, to be a hard worker, and to make your dreams happen.  But, at the same time, contentment can be a wonderful feeling.  I want to feel content, and I'm getting closer every day.  I admire people who are just content with the way things are.  My sister is content with having little money, but living off the land and leaving as small a footprint on this world as possible.  My sister-in-law is content with her life, as crazy and hectic as it may be.  My grandma is the most content, happy, loving, beautiful, inspiring person I've ever met.  I want that, and I'm working on it, and it feels so good.

Ramblings from my emotional rollercoaster

Today's post is a bunch of random thoughts I have been dealing with.  I feel a release once I write them down, and read it back to myself.  So here it is......

It's been a week since I miscarried, what a long and emotional week it's been.  I'm still sad, I'm still mourning, still angry, still in a haze, still wondering why this is happening.  I think I will be this way for awhile.  I'm filled with so many emotions about this whole experience, that it's quite overwhelming.  I told myself that I needed to do IVF in order to know that I tried everything... took the last step.... and then I could move on.  I could let go.  In a way I feel I'm letting go and moving on.  But, the reality is, I desperately want a baby. 

We both want a sibling for Taylor more than anything in the world.  As much as I adore my daughter and spending every single day with her, it can be exhausting having an only child.  No playmate for her. I try very hard to keep her socialized, and she is very social, but when we are at home, I can't help but feel guilty about her not having a little playmate.... even one on the way.  It seriously crushes me.  But, I am trying to move on and look at the positives.  I re-read one of the very inspirational blogs that I follow, and felt more connected to it now than ever.  In this post, she describes how she started to see the positives of having an only child.  I'm getting there. I'm starting to change my thinking.... not because I want to, but because I have to.  For my own sanity.  For my family's sanity. 

It's very hard to let go of something you have dreamed and wished and prayed about for years and years and years.  Extremely hard.  I want so badly to have control over the situation.  But, I'm not in control.  I was never in control.  God and Mother Nature are in control.

IVF did bring some sort of release, but there are still possible chances left over from IVF.  We have two tubes, one with one embryo and another with two, sitting on ice.  So, it's really not over yet.  I'm not as hopeful that these will make it, but hey it's worth two more shots.  We have two more chances of bringing home a baby that are much higher than naturally TTC.  Money is now the factor that will determine when these FETs will be done.  Fortunately, we will be getting just enough money back from taxes to help us with the first FET.  So, we have decided to move forward with that as soon as my body regulates and we get the RE's okay.  If FET #1 is not successful, we will most likely wait until October/November of this year for FET#2.  We will be busy with fun trips and family stuff on and off through November, and I don't want a FET getting in the way or putting a strain on finances that will be used for fun. 

I feel lost.  Confused.  My emotions are all over the place.  A friend of mine gave me a daily devotions book written by Sarah Young.  It has been calling to me.  The words seem to speak directly to me everyday.  I'm doing my best to accept that all of this is beyond my control.  I'm getting back into my yoga and running routine, which will hopefully help me get back to living in the moment. 

waiting for it to be over

This pregnancy, that is. Today's ultrasound showed that the baby has not grown at all in 10 days. There was no heartbeat. Not even a flicker. Both REs were 100% positive that the pregnancy isn't viable... I am 7weeks4days today.

I am sad, devastated, pissed, confused, embarrassed, insecure, hurt, and feeling betrayed by my body. 

At this moment I can't even explain how shitty this all is. How can my body betray me? How can mother nature betray me?  How come my prayers seem to be continually unanswered? 

It has been over 3 hours since I took Misoprostol to pass the baby.  I haven't even started cramping yet.  If nothing in another 2 hours, I will take another dose of the pills. I just want it to be over.  I feel like this is all just one horrible dream that I will wake up from in the morning, but it's not.  This is reality.  IVF #1 was a success, but it wasn't viable.  :(

I don't yet know where we will go from here.  We have 3 frozen embryos.  Two grade A and one grade B.  We are not yet sure we can endure all of this pain and heartache again.  But, we aren't yet sure if we are truly ready to give up.  We were so close, yet to far. 

I'm embarrassed and pissed off at myself for telling anybody but Jake.  Yes, I find comfort in the love and support I am receiving from friends and family, but I feel bad and embarrassed telling them it's all over.  I feel horrible that I have to tell my sweet little girl that she isn't a big sister and that mommy's baby isn't growing big anymore.  I feel horrible that my parents and in-laws will have to grieve this baby, too.

Life just isn't fair.  I'm living in the moment and mourning what should've been. 

If you're reading this please pray or send positive vibes our way.  That Jake and I can maintain our sanity and mourn appropriately.  That I have no further complications.  That I can endure the questions that will arise from the beautiful, question asking daughter.