Ramblings from my emotional rollercoaster

Today's post is a bunch of random thoughts I have been dealing with.  I feel a release once I write them down, and read it back to myself.  So here it is......

It's been a week since I miscarried, what a long and emotional week it's been.  I'm still sad, I'm still mourning, still angry, still in a haze, still wondering why this is happening.  I think I will be this way for awhile.  I'm filled with so many emotions about this whole experience, that it's quite overwhelming.  I told myself that I needed to do IVF in order to know that I tried everything... took the last step.... and then I could move on.  I could let go.  In a way I feel I'm letting go and moving on.  But, the reality is, I desperately want a baby. 

We both want a sibling for Taylor more than anything in the world.  As much as I adore my daughter and spending every single day with her, it can be exhausting having an only child.  No playmate for her. I try very hard to keep her socialized, and she is very social, but when we are at home, I can't help but feel guilty about her not having a little playmate.... even one on the way.  It seriously crushes me.  But, I am trying to move on and look at the positives.  I re-read one of the very inspirational blogs that I follow, and felt more connected to it now than ever.  In this post, she describes how she started to see the positives of having an only child.  I'm getting there. I'm starting to change my thinking.... not because I want to, but because I have to.  For my own sanity.  For my family's sanity. 

It's very hard to let go of something you have dreamed and wished and prayed about for years and years and years.  Extremely hard.  I want so badly to have control over the situation.  But, I'm not in control.  I was never in control.  God and Mother Nature are in control.

IVF did bring some sort of release, but there are still possible chances left over from IVF.  We have two tubes, one with one embryo and another with two, sitting on ice.  So, it's really not over yet.  I'm not as hopeful that these will make it, but hey it's worth two more shots.  We have two more chances of bringing home a baby that are much higher than naturally TTC.  Money is now the factor that will determine when these FETs will be done.  Fortunately, we will be getting just enough money back from taxes to help us with the first FET.  So, we have decided to move forward with that as soon as my body regulates and we get the RE's okay.  If FET #1 is not successful, we will most likely wait until October/November of this year for FET#2.  We will be busy with fun trips and family stuff on and off through November, and I don't want a FET getting in the way or putting a strain on finances that will be used for fun. 

I feel lost.  Confused.  My emotions are all over the place.  A friend of mine gave me a daily devotions book written by Sarah Young.  It has been calling to me.  The words seem to speak directly to me everyday.  I'm doing my best to accept that all of this is beyond my control.  I'm getting back into my yoga and running routine, which will hopefully help me get back to living in the moment.