This pregnancy, that is. Today's ultrasound showed that the baby has not grown at all in 10 days. There was no heartbeat. Not even a flicker. Both REs were 100% positive that the pregnancy isn't viable... I am 7weeks4days today.
I am sad, devastated, pissed, confused, embarrassed, insecure, hurt, and feeling betrayed by my body.
At this moment I can't even explain how shitty this all is. How can my body betray me? How can mother nature betray me? How come my prayers seem to be continually unanswered?
It has been over 3 hours since I took Misoprostol to pass the baby. I haven't even started cramping yet. If nothing in another 2 hours, I will take another dose of the pills. I just want it to be over. I feel like this is all just one horrible dream that I will wake up from in the morning, but it's not. This is reality. IVF #1 was a success, but it wasn't viable. :(
I don't yet know where we will go from here. We have 3 frozen embryos. Two grade A and one grade B. We are not yet sure we can endure all of this pain and heartache again. But, we aren't yet sure if we are truly ready to give up. We were so close, yet to far.
I'm embarrassed and pissed off at myself for telling anybody but Jake. Yes, I find comfort in the love and support I am receiving from friends and family, but I feel bad and embarrassed telling them it's all over. I feel horrible that I have to tell my sweet little girl that she isn't a big sister and that mommy's baby isn't growing big anymore. I feel horrible that my parents and in-laws will have to grieve this baby, too.
Life just isn't fair. I'm living in the moment and mourning what should've been.
If you're reading this please pray or send positive vibes our way. That Jake and I can maintain our sanity and mourn appropriately. That I have no further complications. That I can endure the questions that will arise from the beautiful, question asking daughter.
I am so heartbroken for you, Darcy. Prayers continue for you and everyone else involved.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers as well as anyone else in involved.
ReplyDeleteOh...Darcy... I am so sorry... My heart is aching for you. I pray that you can find strength and comfort where you need it most. Love and hugs to all of you ♥♥♥♥
ReplyDeleteYou will remain in my prayers...
SO so so sorry Darcy. Many many prayers and hugs going out to you, Jake, and Taylor.
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry, Darcy. My heart is heavy for you. So many prayers coming your way!
ReplyDeletePrayers coming your way. I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say.
ReplyDeleteAwe, sweety don't you dare feel embarrassed or guilty, like you have placed some burden of grieving on anyone else. I know it's hard to tell family and then have to come back and tell them bad news, but don't feel for a second you did something wrong. In the end, the people around you LOVE YOU and they want to be there for you! It may be too much for your young daughter to understand fully at the moment, but one day when she is older she will appreciate everything you went through as a woman to conceive her younger brother or sister....the sibling that will still come if/when the time is right for you to try again. You will absolutely be in my prayers. I will pray for as seamless a transition as possible, and just know that you aren't alone. I'm wrapping BIG ((CYBER HUGS)) around you from here.
ReplyDeleteI have had three miscarriages and know exactly how you are feeling right now. I know that there are no words that can take away the pain but please know you and your family are in my prayers.
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel embarrassed for sharing your excitement with others. This is what friends are for. Lean on people around you to help you get through this tough time. You are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteOh Darcy, I'm so incredibly sorry. Please don't beat yourself up. You are such an incredible person. Sending all the positive vibes that I can to you.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Darcy. I'm so so sorry for everything you are going through. My heart is aching for you and Jake right now. I know how much it hurts to have your hopes raised and then dashed again. Don't feel stupid about sharing and wanting people to rejoice in your happiness. We didn't tell anyone we were pregnant until just before we had the D&C at 10 weeks with our second pregnancy and it was almost harder telling people after the fact. Same with our second loss. With this pregnancy we told even before I had the second blood draw because I so needed the support from those close to us in case it was another loss. Let them support you and love on you through this time. Prayers and hugs to you three.
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