I'm Pregnant!!!!

Beta #1 = 118

Beta #2 = 411

Doubling time of 41.66 hours (which is great) 

BFP with FMU @ 9dp5dt 

 

 

The most beautiful two lines we have ever seen!  So dark and perfect!

Blessed. Ecstatic.  Freed. Loved. Happy, VERY VERY HAPPY. Entitled. Thankful. Excited.

 

These are just a few of the words that describe my happiness when Dr. B called today to update with Beta #2. There was a huge weight lifted off our shoulders as we learned that our numbers are rising appropriately and this is a viable pregnancy.  Yes, things can change and it's still VERY early, but I'M PREGNANT and we are going to allow ourselves to rejoice and celebrate.  I'm so very thankful for my husband, my family, my amazing Dr and his nurses, science, technology, and the Man Above.  It's finally happening. Words cannot express how happy I am right now.  I'm pregnant again!  I'm going to be a mama again!  Our daughter gets to be a big sister!  We are bringing another grandchild into the family.  Thank you Dr. Buyalos and the crew at Fertility and Surgical Associates for making our dream come true. 

one week past transfer

Today is the one week mark from my transfer.  I am 7dpt/12do/14dptrigger.  This morning, I woke up nauseous.  I battled nausea until noon, and then it came back around 7 pm.  I also am having a hard time body temperature.  I'm either too hot or I have the chills.  I gagged when brushing my teeth.  Chocolate candy DIDN'T taste good.  While all these things are great pregnancy indicators, it could also just all be from the progesterone shots.  I could also be getting my daughter's cold, although these aren't typical cold symptoms, I don't want to discount that.  I'm too afraid to get excited.  I'm too afraid of the very large disappointment that could lie ahead... But, could this be it?? Only time will tell.

In the mean time, I've been taking care of my little sickie.  She's had a mild cold for almost a week now, and I'm trying to keep it from getting worse. I've been loading her up on children's echinacea, oranges, carrots, water, anything with vitamin C and lots of rest and down time.  I hate when she is sick, but she is definitely handling it like a champ ♡♥♡♥

Transfer complete!

1/21 Estridol and Hormone testing
1/28 Beta Pregnancy Test

The transfer went great.  We ended up going with one grade A embryo.   It was so tempting to put in two embryos like most people do, since we had two awesome grade A embies, but the 35% chance of twins isn't worth the risk with my little uterus.  I was lazy almost all of yesterday and laid in bed watching t.v. Today has been a little harder to stay in bed or laid up on the couch with Taylor, but I've been pretty good about relaxing.  I let her watch way more t.v. than usual and had some help from my brother in law.  So, hopefully that was enough resting.  Tomorrow, I plan to continue to be lazy, but I'm not going to worry so much about laying down.  Just no cleaning other than dishes and basic pick up.  I'm going to try to refrain from picking Taylor up as much as possible, and just have a fun lazy day full of arts and crafts at home. 

Dr. B called this morning to let me know that we were able to freeze 3 grade A blastocysts.  Jake and I are very happy about this.  We have sworn to each other to not worry about the future and focus on the present.  But, it's nice to know we have 3 in waiting if need be. Especially since I can say for certain that I will NOT go through the entire IVF process again. 

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we enter the torturous TWW (two week wait).  Pray that our beautiful little embryo sticks to my uterine lining and settles in for a 9 month stay. 

Quality Over Quantity

~10 eggs retrieved
~8 eggs fertilized
~6 are grade A as of day 3
~2 are grade B as of day 3
~5 day blastocyst transfer scheduled for Wednesday 1/16


Overall, the ER went great!  We had 10 high quality eggs.  Before we knew the quality both Dr. B and I were a little disappointed that I had 10. But, I just kept remembering that quality is far more important than quantity. In the end, all we need is 1 high quality blastocyst to implant.  After the retrieval, I was feeling very tired and my stomach was bloated and uncomfortable for the next two days.  Today, I'm feeling much better. 

I've started the progesterone shots and the estrogen patches.  The progesterone in oil shots make all the other stims and trigger shot look like nothing!  The needle is huge and the oil is thick! And, I have to give them to myself in my ass!!!! I explained to Dr. B that I chose to give them myself instead of having Jake do it due to his crazy work schedule.  He said that after my pregnancy test, I can start the suppositories instead.  While I'm not crazy about having a rainbow of colors coming out of my lady parts, I'm even less crazy about PIO shots for 9 weeks. 

I'm in a really good place right now.  I'm super positive and have a lot of hope and faith in this.  Everything has been looking great.  But, there are so many hoops to get through before we can start decorating a nursery. Mostly, we need my lovely uterus to accept and nurture this embryo.  Then, we need my beta test numbers to rise accordingly.  If all of that happens, and we are told we are definitely pregnant, then I will feel like I can truly be excited.  I know all too well not to get overly excited over "everything looking great".  On 4 out of the 5 medicated iui's I was told that everything looked perfect, and that created a lot of false hope.  IVF is a much more involved process, but a lot can change between now and then. 

Please continue to pray and send positive thoughts our way.  Pray that our embryos turn into high quality blastocysts.  Pray that my body decides to cooperate and embrace the pregnancy that is being forced on it.  Pray that I keep my sanity and patience through this all. 

Here are some resources that help to explain the blastocyst grading system, and 5 day transfers:

http://www.advancedfertility.com/blastocystimages.htm 
^ goes into detail of how blastocysts are graded

http://fertilitydr.com/blastocyst-transfer.html

http://www.advancedfertility.com/blastocystpregnancyrates.htm
^success rates for 5 day blastocysts at the given fertility clinic (note: this is not the rates from my specific clinic)

Egg Retrieval Tomorrow

My egg retrieval is tomorrow at 8:30 a.m.  I'm excited, nervous, anxious, happy, worried, and thankful.  Getting here is been tough.  But, it's almost over.  Now, we just have to hope and pray for high quality embies and hope and pray that one implants, and results in a baby in our arms in October of 2013!!!!

There have been a few road bumps in the past couple of days, but I feel like they were put there to test me.  To test my patience, my trust, my faith, and definitely my sanity.  Being that we have to leave our house at 5:00a.m. to get to the office on time, finding a sitter for our daughter was a little stressful.  But, we have that worked out without too much stress (surprising for me).  Then, the I-5 over the Grapvine has been closed for hours due to snow.  This has me a little stressed, but I just keep telling myself that it will all work out.  DH doesn't seem to be worried about it closing again. It is currently open, and as of now, there isn't any snow is projected for the next 36 hours. 

I'm trying to maintain my positive mantra that this will work.  That I will be pregnant and stay pregnant.  It's hard, but I'm doing my best.

Please send well wishes and prayers for safe travels, a smooth procedure, and that the eggs and swimmers decide to get along and fertilize to form some high quality embryos. 

$481 dollars later

Yesterday, I made the trek down to see Dr. B and the crew at Fertility and Surgical Associates of CA for what I thought would be the last time by myself.  I was in such a positive mood on the way down there.  I made my routine call to my SIL and was commenting on how positive I was at the moment...When I got there, I was asked my birthday before my blood draw... "January 13, 1985" I said.  "Oh, that's coming up, what are your plans?" Asked the nurse.  My reply was "I haven't made any big plans because I could possibly be here with you guys." Sometimes, I think I should just pull our travel trailer down to their parking lot and live there for the rest of January. 

Then, it was time for my 1,000,000th vaginal u/s and 150th blood draw. I'm starting to realize that I spread my legs more for Dr. B these days than I do for Jake :0  Gag.  Anywho, I had about 8 follies that ranged in size from 14-17mm, and then another 4-6 that ranged from 10-12mm.  I had a feeling from Dr. B's lack of excitement that he expected more.  I glanced away from the u/s screen to check his reaction while fishing around in my body with a giant stick.  He had a look of disappointment, and my heart sank.  But, after he reviewed the numbers and sizes the nurse had recorded, he said everything looked good.  He said I'm "right down the middle, everything looks normal." But...... I would need to come back for one more checkup u/s & blood work before triggering and he wanted to push the ER back to Friday, possibly Saturday.  These were the original dates anyways, so everyone including myself was fine with that.  This means, I would need one more day's worth of injections though.  I texted my good friend and told her I had to get more meds, and as long as it was under $500 I would be okay with it.  $481 later, I walked out the door still in shock that 3 teeny tiny shots could cost $481!!!! Whatevs, it's done and over with, and I was going to pay for them no matter what. 

I know that none of this is super bad news, and frankly, everything is going just as planned.  But, it still changed my mood from positive to debbie downer.  This whole process is just a huge roller coaster of emotions.  Shit, the whole journey of TTC is a giant roller coaster of emotions. Today, I'm back to my positive outlook, although that fear of failure likes to pop in my brain every time I get excited.  GET OUT FEAR....LET ME ENJOY THIS JOURNEY, WOULD YA?!?!?

I go back tomorrow for hopefully my last checkup u/s and blood work.  Then, the transfer will most likely be Friday, but might also be Saturday.  Honestly, Saturday would be better for us as Jake wouldn't have to take a day off, and our sweet little Taylor could go visit with her grandma, AND I will get another day off from driving so far.  BUT..... we will take EITHER day as long as everything keeps looking good. 

Please send positive vibes or prayers for my little eggs... that they grow larger by tomorrow's u/s and that their appearance on the screen makes Dr. B happy. 

No more running! And some other thoughts

Yesterday, after my appt and 4.5 hour round trip drive, I was really looking forward to some cardio time at the gym.  I put in 25 minutes on the elliptical at a moderate-vigorous effort.  Then, I got on the treadmill for 15 minutes, where I traded off between walking a 3mph at an incline and running at 5-5.3mph.  Then, I was done.  Compared to my exercise regime even a few months ago, this is scaling it back dramatically.  But, an hour or so later, when hunched over to give my daughter her bath, I had the most uncomfortable cramping in my stomach.  Then, I remembered that it was day 3 of injections, and my favorite nurse had told me to stick to walking, yoga, light elliptical work once you start stimming because you will start to feel uncomfortable.  duh.  Honestly, I thought that I would be fine, since I was already scaling it back to much and not doing any type of ab work.  WRONG!!! Today, I went to the gym again.  I did 20 minutes of light walking where I wasn't even sweating our close to being out of breath.  Then, I participated in the 45min yoga class.  I've been feeling fine.  Just a little bloated and uncomfortable, but nothing worth writing home about.  Lesson learned.  I guess those nurses do know what they are talking about :) No more running for me.  I'm going to stick to moderate walking, yoga, and some very light elliptical work.  No more spin or weight training classes either!

Our little miracle blessing of a daughter is turning into such a big girl.  She is defiantly not a baby anymore.  It's crazy how much she has developed mentally, socially, and physically in the last couple months.  I absolutely love watching her grow.  Lately, I've found myself staring at her with a grin amazed that Jake and I produced such a wonderful little being.  She is perfect.  Yes, she is a little drama queen, stubborn, too smart for her own good, and a great tantrum thrower, but she is perfect for us.

 I also look at her and wonder where I time went.  She is growing so fast, and although I love, love, love this age.... I miss my baby.  I miss having a baby.  Where did my baby go???? Why can't I have another one already???? I can 1,000,000% say that I have full blown baby fever.  Throughout our infertility struggle, that actual "baby fever", where you want a little teeny tiny newborn, comes and goes.  Yes, I always want to be pregnant, and have another baby, sibling, etc etc.  But sometimes the "baby fever" is stronger than others.  In my opinion, this is one of the many difficult struggles of secondary infertility.  I look at my beautiful, smart, miracle, blessing of a daughter and I'm so happy and thankful for her.  Some will say "well, at least you have her", "You already have one, what's the big deal", "At least you aren't struggling with your first".  And while those are all VERY TRUE statements, and I DO AGREE, they are also still very hurtful.  Yes, I do have her, and yes I'm extremely thankful for my miracle child.  But, every time I look at that wonderful gift from God, I ask myself why we haven't been blessed with another.  There are times I look at her and wish for just one more blessing like her.  It's hard to watch your child grow up for so many reasons.  But, it's really hard to watch her grow up so fast right now, not knowing if I will get to watch another one at these same stages of life or not.  For the last 6 months or longer, since I've really come to terms with the fact that she might be our only child, I have really tried to not take a single day, event, moment, memory, for granted. I might never get to teach another child to play games, roll out playdoh, do a somersault.  I might never get to watch Bubble Guppies or DocMcStuffins with another toddler again. So, even though I don't want to watch it with her, I do.  I'm trying not to take a single breath for granted. 

I'm still having a very hard time forgiving myself for a lot of things I feel I took for granted when I was pregnant, and when Taylor was very little.  Back when I thought I would easily just pop out another child whenever I pleased.  Back when I was ignorant to secondary infertility.  Back when I had no idea that my "funny shaped uterus" discovered during my c-section would actually turn out to be a really big issue in having another child.

 I feel like I didn't enjoy or bask in the glory of pregnancy enough.  I didn't know that it might be my only pregnancy, so I didn't treat it as such.   

 

I wanted so bad for Taylor to "put herself to sleep" so I didn't have to rock her to sleep again.  Little did I know that I would miss those moments with her AND might not ever have those moments again.

 

Taylor was weaned of the paci except sleep my 6 months and then completely by 12 months.  I'm glad we kicked that habit, but I didn't know that seeing a little baby sucking on a paci would bring me such hurt.  As bad as I wanted Taylor to kick that habit before talking (which I'm still glad she did), I didn't realize that might be the last time I see my child with a cute little chunk of plastic in their mouth. 

It's weird, I know, but these are my feelings. 

 

Family and friends that read this blog.  Please pray or send positive thoughts for our family as we undergo IVF this month in hopes of making our family complete.