No more running! And some other thoughts

Yesterday, after my appt and 4.5 hour round trip drive, I was really looking forward to some cardio time at the gym.  I put in 25 minutes on the elliptical at a moderate-vigorous effort.  Then, I got on the treadmill for 15 minutes, where I traded off between walking a 3mph at an incline and running at 5-5.3mph.  Then, I was done.  Compared to my exercise regime even a few months ago, this is scaling it back dramatically.  But, an hour or so later, when hunched over to give my daughter her bath, I had the most uncomfortable cramping in my stomach.  Then, I remembered that it was day 3 of injections, and my favorite nurse had told me to stick to walking, yoga, light elliptical work once you start stimming because you will start to feel uncomfortable.  duh.  Honestly, I thought that I would be fine, since I was already scaling it back to much and not doing any type of ab work.  WRONG!!! Today, I went to the gym again.  I did 20 minutes of light walking where I wasn't even sweating our close to being out of breath.  Then, I participated in the 45min yoga class.  I've been feeling fine.  Just a little bloated and uncomfortable, but nothing worth writing home about.  Lesson learned.  I guess those nurses do know what they are talking about :) No more running for me.  I'm going to stick to moderate walking, yoga, and some very light elliptical work.  No more spin or weight training classes either!

Our little miracle blessing of a daughter is turning into such a big girl.  She is defiantly not a baby anymore.  It's crazy how much she has developed mentally, socially, and physically in the last couple months.  I absolutely love watching her grow.  Lately, I've found myself staring at her with a grin amazed that Jake and I produced such a wonderful little being.  She is perfect.  Yes, she is a little drama queen, stubborn, too smart for her own good, and a great tantrum thrower, but she is perfect for us.

 I also look at her and wonder where I time went.  She is growing so fast, and although I love, love, love this age.... I miss my baby.  I miss having a baby.  Where did my baby go???? Why can't I have another one already???? I can 1,000,000% say that I have full blown baby fever.  Throughout our infertility struggle, that actual "baby fever", where you want a little teeny tiny newborn, comes and goes.  Yes, I always want to be pregnant, and have another baby, sibling, etc etc.  But sometimes the "baby fever" is stronger than others.  In my opinion, this is one of the many difficult struggles of secondary infertility.  I look at my beautiful, smart, miracle, blessing of a daughter and I'm so happy and thankful for her.  Some will say "well, at least you have her", "You already have one, what's the big deal", "At least you aren't struggling with your first".  And while those are all VERY TRUE statements, and I DO AGREE, they are also still very hurtful.  Yes, I do have her, and yes I'm extremely thankful for my miracle child.  But, every time I look at that wonderful gift from God, I ask myself why we haven't been blessed with another.  There are times I look at her and wish for just one more blessing like her.  It's hard to watch your child grow up for so many reasons.  But, it's really hard to watch her grow up so fast right now, not knowing if I will get to watch another one at these same stages of life or not.  For the last 6 months or longer, since I've really come to terms with the fact that she might be our only child, I have really tried to not take a single day, event, moment, memory, for granted. I might never get to teach another child to play games, roll out playdoh, do a somersault.  I might never get to watch Bubble Guppies or DocMcStuffins with another toddler again. So, even though I don't want to watch it with her, I do.  I'm trying not to take a single breath for granted. 

I'm still having a very hard time forgiving myself for a lot of things I feel I took for granted when I was pregnant, and when Taylor was very little.  Back when I thought I would easily just pop out another child whenever I pleased.  Back when I was ignorant to secondary infertility.  Back when I had no idea that my "funny shaped uterus" discovered during my c-section would actually turn out to be a really big issue in having another child.

 I feel like I didn't enjoy or bask in the glory of pregnancy enough.  I didn't know that it might be my only pregnancy, so I didn't treat it as such.   

 

I wanted so bad for Taylor to "put herself to sleep" so I didn't have to rock her to sleep again.  Little did I know that I would miss those moments with her AND might not ever have those moments again.

 

Taylor was weaned of the paci except sleep my 6 months and then completely by 12 months.  I'm glad we kicked that habit, but I didn't know that seeing a little baby sucking on a paci would bring me such hurt.  As bad as I wanted Taylor to kick that habit before talking (which I'm still glad she did), I didn't realize that might be the last time I see my child with a cute little chunk of plastic in their mouth. 

It's weird, I know, but these are my feelings. 

 

Family and friends that read this blog.  Please pray or send positive thoughts for our family as we undergo IVF this month in hopes of making our family complete.