Acceptance

One of my BFF's and I were out to happy hour last week. I texted her that I was down in the dumps and needed to vent.  She suggested happy hour at a nearby by Mexican place. Perfect.  This BFF understands and lives the infertile life.  She and her husband happily welcomed their daughter born through surrogacy 9 months ago.  She is such a beautiful blessing and miracle.  They will most likely not be able to afford to use the rest of their frosties due to finances and other circumstances.  My heart hurts for her to know that they have more tries, but cannot use them.  I wish I could make this possible for them. 

N has been a very good friend to me for 7 or more years.  We have been by each other's side through weddings, deaths,  accidents, hospitalizations, births, and now infertility.  When I first started struggling with TTC #2, I was nervous to mention it to her.  I didn't want to offend her as at that point she didn't yet have her daughter.  But, the convo came up one day.  At first, I could tell she was kinda hesitant to believe I would have any problem since I already had one child.  So, to respect her, I never brought it up again.  She then asked me about 6 months later if I had seen a fertility doctor, because she wanted to recommend hers.  From that point on, she has been nothing but supportive, and understanding.  And, I cherish that more than she will ever know. 

At happy hour I vented about how hard it was dealing with my other BFF's pregnancy, esp now since she already went public with the news at 6-7 weeks and is complaining with no end in sight.  I was venting about how I was so sick of hearing "you will have another baby soon, you did it once before" or "it will happen, when it's supposed to happen" Those are the two that sting right now.  N said "you know what Darcy, I too used to think and tell you that you will have another baby, you did it before...... but now I feel more like, just because you had one pregnancy 4 years ago doesn't mean shit now".  She went on to say how my odds are 1:27 right now (one full term pregnancy to 27perfect cycles combined with TTC #1 and #2).  Those odds suck! But, it was comforting to finally have somebody not say "you had one, you can do it again". Just because I had one healthy, full term pregnancy 4 years ago, doesn't mean that I automatically get a free pass to have another whenever I choose.  It doesn't work like that.  At least not for me. 

Then, just yesterday, as I was checking out some new blogs that a fellow blogger follows (Emily @ Eat Love Procreate) I stumbled across an article in the Standing Still Mag written by Mandy titled "You'll have your baby someday" The author went on to explain how aggravating that statement can be.  Then, the article went on to talk about another level of grieving.... ACCEPTANCE.  And, this is exactly what I'm going through right now!  I couldn't agree more with so much of what Mandy wrote.   I'm not yet ready to move on ir let go.  I might not ever be, only time will tell.  But, I'm learning to accept the cards I've been dealt.  I have fully accepted that fact that I might not have another child.  I don't like it, and I wish it wasn't true, but I've accepted it.  When I think about this, it hurts tremendously.  But it's reality. 

Acceptance is a hard thing to grasp.  Especially when dealing with major life circumstances that crush dreams and hopes.  But, learning to accept this will in time help me to move on.  It has already lifted a huge weight off my shoulders knowing that I have truly accepted that it just might not happen. 

Acceptance is playing a key role in my life right now.  I have also accepted that I'm never going to be, let alone maintain, my "ideal weight".  My prior goal for my "ideal weight" wasn't very attainable.  At one point, right before starting TTC, I was at my skinniest and had my dream body.  Well, working out for 2+ hours a day, eating a super strict and very low calorie diet isn't maintainable, ideal, or healthy.  Since then, I've educated myself on a much healthier lifestyle and diet.  I was being way to hard on my body.  Ya, it was awesome to fit into a size 2 and not ever worry about looking fat, but that's just exhausting.  I have accepted that my "ideal weight" is the weight I am right now.  138-140.  I always cringe at those numbers, because at 5'6" I feel like 130 sounds a lot better.  But what does it really matter??? Nobody cares but me, and I am wayyyy to hard on myself.  At 138-140, I'm toned, I can eat what I want as long as I am mindful and I eat as clean as possible. This is the weight I've been most of my adult life and I've always been completely happy with it UNTIL I got down lower.  Once again, I've accepted that this is me.  I'm healthy, I'm toned, and my hubby thinks I'm beautiful, and that's all that really matters.