The two F's

Just some random ramblings from my random brain

 

Friends

 

I adore my friends.  I need my friends. I cherish the memories I've made with friends.  There are all types of friends, and they make our life joyus in different ways.  We have our childhood friends, our college friends, the wives of our husband's friends, the mom's of our child's friends, neighborhood friends, family friends, hobby friends, etc etc etc. Any life changing event (marriage, divorce, parenthood, infertility, cancer, death) alters and changes the dynamics of friendships.  It's hard work to be a friend and to keep friendships. Friendships ebb and flow.  Sometimes they dwindle away, sometimes they grow, sometimes a friendship will go through many mountains and valleys. 

 

I've really been reflecting on how my friendships have evolved since we've opened up about struggling with infertility.  We have a few friends who are extremely supportive.... they give us our space, understand when we can't attend things, don't give unsolicited advice, yet they remember to ask us how we are.  I have a few friends who have made it really hard to stay their friend. But, I will continue to work at the friendship. Why? Because my infertility is NOT their problem or their fault. Yes, they suck at being supportive and knowing when to shut the f**k up, but they do try.  They just don't get it.  And they won't ever get it.  And, I cannot fault them for that.  What I can do, is space myself from situations with them that might be hurtful.  I can continue to open up, be blunt, and TRY (and try harder) to make them see just how devastating this is journey can be, and how much their naivety hurts.  At the same time, I can learn to bite my tongue when the timing is not right and vent on my blog instead. 

 

Then, I have two friends who I have become so thankful for.  One of them I've never even met!  We became friends on an online group because we have daughter's both born in March 2010.  Then, she reached out to me after we both were struggling to get pregnant again.  She has been my backbone and infertility partner in crime for almost two years and I'm so thankful for her.  My next friend is actually the mother of one of Taylor's friends.  We met when our children were in swim class together and hit it off.  Since then, we have had many play dates together.  In the time I've known that TTC #2 wasn't going to be easy, she has gotten pregnant and had her second son.  He is now 8 months.  But, she is just one of those women whose pregnancy, baby bump, baby, etc never bothered me.  I never felt jealousy, anger, or bitterness towards her.  And, I believe it's because of the love, support, and empathy she has showed me.  I swear, she is the infertile woman's dream "fertile friend" She has probably read and memorized the ways to be supportive to the infertility community! This friend has not only followed up and asked me about almost every single one of my appts, but she offered to leave her baby at home when we met up after my miscarriage.  Although I told her she didn't need to do that, I sat there and cried happy tears that she cares enough to do that.  I could go on and on about how sweet and supportive this friend has been to me.  I seriously thank God that both of these wonderful women came into my life when they did. 

 

Fear

 

Yesterday, I seriously contemplated cancelling my FET cycle.  It's hard to fully explain why, but it mainly has to do with fear.  Fear of failure.  Fear of another miscarriage, and especially another D&C.  But, mainly the fear is because I've made so much growth in the last couple of months, and I feel like I'm being sucked back into a place where I don't like to be.  I've let go and accepted so much.  I've fully accepted that Taylor might be our only child, and I'm 100% okay with that. I've had such a nice break from worrying about what cycle day it is, when I go back to the RE next, who will watch Taylor, how hard I can or cannot exercise.  I used to enjoy TTC, tracking ovulation, going to the RE.  But now, it's just all associated with failure and negativity. 

 

But, in my heart of hearts, I know...... we both know that we aren't giving up yet. We both know that as much as it sucks to go through this process again, we might finally get what we want.  We both still want another child, even though we are completely okay with if it doesn't happen.  

 

We have 1-2 more tries sitting on ice, calling our name, and we cannot throw in the towel until we've used up all of our tries. <<<< That's the main reason we are moving forward with this cycle right now.  Those embaby's sitting on ice are in the back of our minds and will continue to be until they have been transferred.  So, we want to give them a shot at becoming our second child sooner rather than later.....