This is it...... our last attempt

AF arrived on CD29, just like usual this month. But, that means I had a 7 day LP??? Not the best, but whatever, I'm glad to be back on track.  This month's AF was light, unexpected, and short lived.  This all leads me to believe that my beefed up workout regime along with cutting calories is to blame for messing with my cycles.  When I look back to Fertility Friend and think about it, when I was training hard and trying to lose weight last time is when my cycles were all wacky.... so I'm back to the normal "maintain and tone" regime. I'm not longer cutting calories, and in fact, I've gained all the weight back that I lost from my 10 day challenge.  But, my body likes to be at this weight.  This is my "easy" weight.  This is the weight I was when I got pregnant with Taylor.  I'm not as comfortable with this weight as I am weighing 5-10lbs less, but I'm healthy and at the end of the day, that's all that matters. 

A lot has happened since AF first appeared 6 days ago....... We cancelled our trip to Oregon to see my sister and my niece due to all the fires in southern Oregon.  The smoke was too bad at my sister's house for the girls (and us), and we didn't have the time or the money to drive and stay elsewhere.  So, we postponed the trip until this winter or next spring.  Taylor and I were super bummed, but what can you do?

With AF's unexpected early arrival, and a cancelled vacation, this cycle opened up to do our very last FET, and our very last medicated cycle..... EVER.  It feels so bittersweet to write that.  I mean, I'm so exhausted and done with all of this infertility stuff, but I'm not yet ready to let go.  So, knowing that this is our last shot with medical help to conceive and bring home a baby is terrifying.  I was so set on having a few more months to come to terms with the finality of things, but then this cycle just made more sense.  We currently have the money.  Our lives are never going to be "less busy".  This cycle wont be interfering with any type of holiday season.  Jake was ready.  I was getting anxious.  So, here we are, gearing up for what will be our last medicated cycle.  Our last transfer.  My last follie checks.


After an extremely long talk with Dr. B, and BOTH of his partner RE's...... Jake and I decided to put both of our B+ embryos in this time.  All three of the RE's said that this is what they suggested, even with a unicornuate uterus.  They all agreed that given my failure to implant with ALL of my picture perfect medicated cycles, there is an extremely low chance that both embryos will make it to a HB.  They also agreed that if they were A+ quality, they might still suggest SET, but since both are B+, they are 100% comfortable with transferring both.  Another reason they are okay with it is because I already carried one child to term, so my uterus should have to problem carrying twins IF that were to happen. After MANY discussions between Jake and I, and me consulting with the Mullerian Anomalies group, we decided to go with their suggestions.  I figured if I was willing to take the risks of multiples with the higher doses of Clomid at the very beginning of the journey, then this is sort of the same??? I'm not going to lie and say that I'm 100% confident with my decision, but I'm going to do what all three RE's suggested to do.  I'm going to pray A LOT that God shows us the right path, and that he is looking out for my health.  Again, they all believe that my chance of both making it to HB is extremely low, so I'm going to trust them.

In fact, Dr. B doesn't seem very enthusiastic that this cycle is going to work anyways.  And, I totally get it.  He has brought up using a surrogate "next time".  I haven't yet told him there won't be a next time, but he believes that the only thing keeping me from getting and staying pregnant is me.  My uterine lining, and my uterus.  He said that he would give me a 40% chance of getting a BFP this time, but that he can't say it will make it to heartbeat.  It all depends on where it decided to try to implant.  I have to say, his lack of enthusiasm is two fold.  It's comforting to know that the professional in this situation see's things the same way.  But, it's disheartening to know that my RE has basically given up on my body, and that there isn't much chance of us taking home a baby again..... ever. 

I'm going to allow myself to be somewhat excited and hopeful for this attempt.  I mean, I can't go into this all boo hoo'ing or why even try, right?  So, for now I have a pinch of hope that MAYBE, just MAYBE everything will fall into place, and we will finally get our rainbow child.  If this FET is a fail, then I will begin the real mourning and motions of letting go.  At that time, I will know it's over, and our family is complete.  But, for now, I'm choosing to hold on to that teeny tiny bit of hope that is left. 

I was very hesitant to even post about my decisions because I know that it might seem risky, but isn't this all risky??? I don't know.  At the end of the day, I'm trusting my RE, going with my gut, and praying that everything works out.