Step 1, Birth Control

There are so many emotions and thoughts constantly running a muck in my head.  Will this work? When will I tell family if it does? When will I tell them if it doesn't? What if this doesn't work?  How will I cope? How will I explain to my beautiful daughter that mommy isn't trying anymore?  This is going to work! Why wouldn't it?  Don't be too confident.  Don't be too doubtful.  Don't stress about it.  How will my daughter do with all the babysitting, and me being gone more in one month than I have in her whole lifetime?  How can I keep myself from stressing?  What if I have bad reactions?  What if?  How? When? Why?....... I could go on an on. 

I repinned this quote the other day on Pinterest and need to deeply implement it into my life.   "The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days waiting for better ones! " After all, this is the most wonderful time of the year.  With Christmas just around the corner, and my birthday now less than a month away.  I need to enjoy life.  No, I can't just forget and ignore what is going on.  Yes, it will be impossible to not think about IVF.  But, I need to enjoy my life and all the wonderful things that are happening in the meantime.  I do have a wonderful life.  There is just one little sucky part about it.  But, I don't need to define my life by that one sucky part.  I am constantly waiting for that BFP.  Constantly.  It's so constant, that I find myself missing out on little things.  I regret that.  I will continue to regret it.  So, I need to start enjoying those things. 

I started birth control on Wednesday night.  It seems so counterproductive to be on birth control when actively TTC, doesn't it?  I know full and well that it's all part of the typical protocol for IVF, but I can't help be taken back by seeing that little book of pills on my counter.  It's surreal.  This is the first step towards IVF.  My next appt is Dec. 27, when I will have blood work done, a baseline u/s, and a seminar to go over all the drugs that I will be on.  It's expected that I will start the injections on Jan. 1, 2013.  Happy New Year :)

Offically moving on to IVF

It's all happening.  I'm not sure I'm fully ready, but who is every fully ready for any huge leap?  There is always this fear of failure.  Fear of the unknown. Fear to leave the comfort zone.  Although I'm fearful that IVF will not be successful, I'm ready to take this journey by the horns.  I'm ready.  I've got to stay positive.  Deep down in my heart I have faith that this will work.  It has to work.  The odds are in our favor for once.  IVF here we come. 

I'm having a hard time processing that this is where we are at in our journey to build our family.  When I scheduled my first appt with Fertility and Surgical Associates, I wondered if I should just wait it out and keep TTC naturally, for a few more months.  Then, we slowly learned that our chances were much slimmer on natural cycles than we thought.  Once we decided to start medicated cycles, EVERYBODY, myself included, thought that IVF would NEVER be needed. They/I thought that I would get pregnant with Metformin..........Clomid..... Clomid + IUI.......... Clomid+Injections+IUI  .........Injections+IUI...............  Nope.  One BFP that ended in an early miscarriage and that's it.  Nothing.  It's been too many months of perfectly planned intercourse, too many months of medicated cycles and IUI's, too many months of doing everything we can.  It's time to surrender and leave it all up to science and God.  Last night I laid awake wondering and praying.  Was I making the right decision to move forward with IVF?  Is this what God wants me to do?  I was over analyzing everything, something I'm very good at.  I came to the conclusion that God has led me down this path to make me the person I am.  He has created the the people who created the science to hopefully help me get pregnant.  He has led me to these decisions and I have to choose that path that feels right.  IVF feels right.  I know for a fact that I will never EVER be able to move on without attempting IVF. 

This journey has changed me as a person.  I have learned a lot about myself.  I've learned to not judge other people's situations.  I've learned to be more sympathetic.  I've learned to better deal with defeat and failure.  I've learned to better handle my emotions.  I've learned that jealousy and envy will get you nowhere and will do nothing but ruin you.  I've learned a lot.  I haven't completely changed, but I've grown a lot in the last two years.  Maybe I needed this journey for a reason?  Maybe I didn't.

Good old Aunt Flow showed up unannounced and unwelcome as usual today on CD24.  I put a call in to the nurse today and will soon know when to start the birth control, and get the tentative dates of the IVF cycle.  I'm ready. 

Prepping for IVF consultation

"All of my tried and true tricks of mapping out a problem, plan of action, and ultimate goal are NOT working for the first time in my life and it's been HARD to come to terms with. I am finally learning to let go and give the control over to God. There are just so many things I don't understand still, but I've got to remind myself daily that for some reason I must need to learn something from this still. I am trying to remember each day that you can't have worry and faith together. They cannot co-exist. You either have faith or you worry. You can't have them both. I am trying to choose faith as best I can"  - Emily at Eat Love Procreate

I couldn't have said it better myself.  I have no control over this.  What I can control is whether or not to move forward with IVF, which will be decided after our consult on Saturday.  If we do move forward, all I can control is that we are attempting the procedure.  After that, it is up to my eggs, Jake's swimmers, and God. 

I've been looking forward to our IVF consultation.  I've complied many questions.  I've thought about how Jake is going to react to everything: the office, the doctor, the price, the procdure.  He hasn't been to one of these appts with me.  He doesn't see me give myself shots, shoot suppositories up my lady parts, check my CM.  He hasn't gone to any meetings because he is either A) working to provide the income for these procedures or B) staying home to watch our little miracle child.  I'm excited and nervous for him to go with me. 

Here are the questions that I will be asking the RE in regards to my first (and only) IVF prodcedure.  Please feel free to use them if you need, or to suggest more questions
1) What, if any, testing needs to be done beforehand
2)Any pre-IVF restrictions/requirements to start now?
3) Restrictions on activity during actual cycle?  When does it start? What are the restrictions?
4)What are our chances given my age and history?  Does having a successful childbirth up the chances at all?
5) Thoughts on 3day vs. 5day transfer?  What's the difference between the two?
6) Should I drop my antidepressants while on IVF cycle?
7) Will you be doing all the footwork with my insurance company?
8)Exactly how much will I have to pay OOP for one procedure?  And, what WILL be included?
9) What ISN'T included in that price?
 10)Price with freezing for FET vs. not freezing?
11) How many visits can I except during one IVF cycle?
12)What medications will I be taking?
13)  Can we order any or all of the meds before the first of the year since I've already met my copayment for this year?
14) Do you recommend complementary or alternative medicines?
15) When do you cancel a cycle?
16) What things can go wrong? Costs of cancelled cycle?

Adios Facebook!!!

I deactivated my Facebook account.... for now.  I needed a break.  I'm working very hard on myself.  Trying to be a better mother.  Trying to be a better wife. Trying to focus more on my little family.  Trying to build up my self esteem.  Trying to be more productive around the house.  Therefore, I didn't need the distraction of Facebook.  I'm sad that I won't get to interact with my mommy group that I love.  I'm sad that I wont get to see pictures of my niece and other family.  But, life goes on.  It did before I have Facebook.  I plan to stay off for at least 3 weeks.  Then, I will see how I feel.  I have to admit that it felt really good to hit that deactivate button.  I needed it. 

It's a vicious cycle and I'm not alone

"The sad irony is that, especially when women overeat, food itself becomes a stressor and a vicious cycle can ensue." - SELF.com

"Is it REALLY as bad as she says it is?" Yes. Studies show that women with fertility problems are as stressed, anxious, and depressed as women with cancer, heart disease, or HIV. Blood tests, pills, injections, ultrasounds, and procedures cause stress and emotional upheaval in women. Also, society fails to recognize the grief caused by infertility, so people denied parenthood tend to hide their sorrow, which only increases their feelings of shame and isolation.

Infertility..... Stress..... Stress Eating.... Guilt..... dwindling self esteem....... extreme exercise..... calorie cutting..... OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It's a viscous cycle that I'm stuck in, but apparently I'm not alone.  I was awake early this morning after hubby left for the gym and work.  While I waited for my princess of a daughter to wake up, I did what I do best in my free time.... Googled!  I was surprised to find so much on stress eating and infertility and how many people stress eat when dealing with infertility. 

I deal with stress by either A) eating B) vigorous exercise, or both A & B.  I always have, but the times were fewer and further between.  It hasn't been until this past Spring that I became very stressed, depressed, and anxious about this whole infertility thing.  That is when I learned the extent of my unfortunate lady parts.  That was the 1 year mark of actively TTC.  That was the time that I had "expected" to have baby #2.  I liked to think that I wasn't stressed out about making a baby. But the truth is, it's fucking stressful!!! It's fucking exhausting, and it has taken a toll on my body, mind, and soul.  I try very very hard to be strong.  To not stress.  To let it be.  To put my faith in God. I always put on a smile.  I try to not cry.  But, this struggle has changed me.  And because of all of this.... I stress eat..... It's what I know.  It's how I cope.  Unfortunately, it's only a very temporary fix.  As soon as I stop eating, the guilt sets in.  Then, the lack of self esteem sets in.  Then, I work out too hard.  Then, it starts all over again.  I don't want to make excuses and say that it's okay to do this because I'm stressed and my body is making Cortisol causing me to eat.  I want to change this.  I want to focus my attention elsewhere.  This is going to be extremely hard to do.  I will not be perfect.  I will still have days where I relapse and rely on food as my crutch.  I'm hoping to make those days few and far between.  It's going to be hard to do, because I'm not giving up my journey of trying to have a baby yet.  It's our dream and desire to have one more baby and we are still actively chasing that dream.  For now. 

I'm glad I had the time this morning to read up on stress eating, in addition to the stress caused by infertility and the toll it takes on your body.  It was very eye opening.  Knowledge is power.  I now have the knowledge of WHY I overeat.  Now, I need to maintain the power to take charge.  I don't want to be fat and have a barren womb. 

With that said, I also think that I need to be a little easier on myself.  Yes, I do need to stop the over eating and find other ways to cope.  But, I'm at a healthy weight.  I'm 5'7" and 138lbs.  That is fine.  It is healthy.  I can wear sizes as small as a 4.  I should be okay with that.  The problem is, I was always larger than my close friends.  I was never fat, but they were skinner with what I thought were better bodies.  After I had my little diva, I lost all the weight, and then kept losing.  I got a little cray cray with the fitness, and got down to 124, but maintained 127 for a long time.  I was super fit and loved the fact that I was finally the same size or smaller than my friends.  This is a very unhealthy frame of mind, and I acknowledge that.  But, I've always had issues comparing myself to others.  Being that small was extremely hard to maintain and it caused me to lose a lot of hair and not have regular periods. Obviosuly not healthy.  But, I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with not being able to fit into those size 26 jeans.  I have a hard time seeing my skin jiggle in the mirror when it didn't just 6 months ago.  But, I need to let go.  I'm a mother of a daughter and I need to set a good example of self esteem and teach her to love her body.  I don't want her to be like me.  I need to change for both her and I. 

And you thought YOU had issues lol

Time to focus on what I can control

con·trol

1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct. See Synonyms at conduct.

2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: controlled trading on the stock market; controls the flow of water.

3. To hold in restraint; check: struggled to control my temper.

4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: control insects; controlled the fire by dousing it with water.

 

I cannot control when I get pregnant.  For most people, you can control when you get pregnant.  That is a blessing and shouldn't be taken for granted.  I cannot control whether or not my body decides to have another chemical pregnancy.  I have no control over the spacing between my children.  I have spent so much time and energy over the past year and half focusing and obsessing over something that I have little to no control over.  I makes me CRAZY that I have no control over it.  But, I have to let go.  I have to start focusing on the things that I DO have control over. 

 

I can control my stress levels to some extent.

 

I can control and limit the amount of time I spend on Facebook in order to protect my feelings and reduce my stress and feelings of envy.

 

I CAN control my weight and focus on getting myself back to my happy weight.

 

I can work on focusing on my current life and all the good that is in it. 

 

Infertility is trying to break me.  And, for short periods, it succeeds.  But, I will not let this break me  down.  I have too much to be thankful for.  I have a beautiful daughter, and amazing husband, great family, some pretty awesome friends.  I have the privilege of being a stay at home mother, of owning a horse, of owning a house, a car, and two wonderful (but stinky) dogs.  Aside from my infertility, I have good health.  I have A LOT to be thankful for.  Yes, I am currently infertile.  Yes, it fucking sucks to be asked every fucking day if my daughter is my only one, and why.  Yes, I am trying with all my heart and soul to have another baby.  Yes, it is something I want more than anything.  But, I can't control whether or not it will happen. We are doing everything we can, and the rest is up to God. 

 

Infertility has changed me.  In good ways and in bad.   One of the things I hate is that I've gained so much weight and lost so much of my muscle tone.  It's official, I have gained every single pound back from when I started losing weight two years ago.  I am back to my starting weight of 142.  I was once down to 124, and was at my happy weight between 128-133.  I like to blame it on my infertility drugs, but mostly it's my emotions and my emotional stress eating.  Well, this has to stop. I said that if October wasn't my month, then I was going to focus on eating clean and getting in shape again.  I haven't started that yet.  Instead, I continued to stress eat as it's taken me longer and longer to heal after each failed cycle.  Well, I've accepted and moved on to this cycle (on day 12 lol) and now it's time to take CONTROL of something I can actually control.  It's time to stop the fucking horrible snacking and overeating.  It's time to eat the way that I know how.  It's time to get back to my happy weight.  For now, my goal is 135.  Once I hit that, I will buy a cute workout outfit and then work towards my ultimate goal of 130.  Eating and snacking has become my crutch throughout infertility.  It's becoming an addiction, and that scares the crap out of me.  I come from a family of addictive personalities.  I have an addictive personality.  I've been addicted to marijuana (many moons ago), cigarettes, exercise, and now food.  I cannot do this to myself.  I look in the mirror and hate my body inside and out.  I hate the inside because I feel so bitter and jealous of everybody who is passing me by, and because I'm infertile.  I hate the outside because I don't look the way I want to and I've gained so much weight in such a short amount of time.  It's time to step up and do something about it.  IT'S TIME!!!!

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to become a die hard Myfitnesspal user again.   My goal is to log in 20 days in a row.  Starting tomorrow, I'm not going to snack on crap food as soon as I get stressed or when my daughter is sleeping.  Starting RIGHT NOW, I'm going to accept that I have control over my weight and I'm going to focus on that. 

Halloween or National Hoebag day?

I love Halloween.  I love it more now that I'm a mother and I get to watch my daughter dress up.  This is the first year that she is actually excited to dress up in her costume.  She's the cutest Minnie Mouse ever.  I love Halloween decorations almost as much as I love Christmas Decorations.  But, I find myself enjoying adult Halloween parties less and less.  When did Halloween become national hoebag it up day!?!?! Seriously.  I have NEVER been the type of girl to pick up the trampy Halloween "nurse" or "cop" or "Playboy bunny" costume at my nearest adult store.  I've always been the type to go for homemade, funny, and unique costumes.  I kind of get it if you're 19, 20, 21, even 22 years old it's your time to show what your mama gave you and be somewhat justified.... but my group of friends is hitting or in their 30's and we have children.We are married.  We aren't fresh out of our parent's houses or in college.  This isn't our first Halloween party to attend where mom and dad don't have to approve our costumes.  We are not 21 years old.  It's crazy to me that some of them leave their homes and children to attend an adult Halloween party in the sexy nurse outfit.  crazy.  Last night I attended what might be my last Halloween party.  I'm just getting too old for this nonsense.  First of all, my friends and I put in a lot of hard work and dedication into our costumes.   We went at the cast from Forrest Gump.  I was Jenny, my husband was Forrest, my BFF was Forrest's mom, and her husband was Lt. Dan.  It was awesome.  We looked great.  On the way there, my friend and I joked about how we would be the only fully clothed girls there.  We were partly joking.  I kid you not.... besides another friend dressed as Flo from Progressive, EVERY other costume was bought at the hoebag store.  Seriously!?!?! It was sort of awkward.  I mean, how do you hold a convo with a friend you haven't seen since last year when her boobies are literally popping out at you??  The men love it of course, but at the same time, I guarantee my husband wouldn't want me dressed in that costume.  It's not who we are. I can't help but want to tell my mom and dad (who watched my daughter while I attended this shit show) that they should be proud of themselves for raising a daughter who doesn't dress like a hooker each and every Halloween.  Anywho, that's my rant on adult Halloween.