A new year, a fresh start......

In the past, my New Year Resolutions have been to eat healthier, stop smoking, lose 10 lbs, lose 5lbs, stop cussing like a sailor..... I have maintained a somewhat healthy diet for over 4 years now.  I haven't smoked in over 5 years.  I've cut back on my cursing, although I've been know to drop the f-bomb on occasion.  I've lost weight, gained it back, maintained, lost, gained, maintained.......

This year, my one and only new year's resolution is to have a baby in the year 2013. I'm trying very hard to have hope that IVF will work for us.  The odds are in our favor more now than ever.  If I get pregnant via IVF this cycle, my due date would be in October.  If it fails, I will have two more months to stay true to my resolution.  But, I will not be needing those two extra months, because I'm going to get pregnant this month.  I just know it.  I have a good feeling about it.  I have hope.

Yesterday (12/31) was my first day of stims (Gonal F and menopur injections).  The hubs and I also started our antibiotics yesterday and will take them for a week, just to make sure we have no infections before the ER and sperm donation.  We both got sick from the antibiotics yesterday, but remembered to down a whole glass of water this morning, and felt much better.  The Gonal F injections are giving me major headaches, but I'm taking it with stride, knowing it will all be worth it when we get our BFP. 

I've started to take pictures of things to document our journey of IVF and plan to put together our journey via pictures at the end of this month.  It was quite shocking to see the ice chest (no joke) of meds arrive at my front door.  I felt at that moment, that I needed to take pictures of these things to help family and friends have a little better grasp of what going through this process is like. 

I hope everyone had a Happy New Year!  Our new year's eve consisted of a glass of wine and being in bed before 9:30.  We were quite the party poopers.  But, it's nice to wake up without a hangover, although I kinda feel like I have one since I have a pounding headache anyways :)

Tis the Season

"I'm done feeling weighted down.  I am letting it go"

I've picked myself up and pulled out of the mini depression I fell into the last time I blogged.  It's my favorite time of year, and there are so many wonderful things going on.  I don't have time to weigh on the things I don't have.  It's time to enjoy and praise the things I do have. 

I've completed one week of birth control pills.  Luckily the nausea has worn off.  If I remember right, I thought that birth control was supposed to help with acne??? Well, it's not.  I guess stress and all the sugary goodies I've been indulging in (bad, bad, bad!!!!!) are going to offset and benefit I would get from birth control.  Ohwell.  About those sugary indulgences....... I need to stop!!! I've been doing so good with eating well lately, but then I ruin it by eating cookies and frosting.  I stepped on the scale today, and instead of the number going down like it has been, it went back up.  That was enough to make me stop eating cookies.  The Holidays are hard to completely avoid things like that.  BUT, I don't need to be eating cookies just for the sake of eating cookies.  I need to limit myself to ONE, and it should only be during certain occasions, not just after lunch, at my house, by myself. 

I have been having the best time lately with my daughter.  She is seriously the joy of our lives.  She is quite a crack up these days.  Yesterday, we took her to see Christmas lights in a local neighborhood that goes all out.  And, she even took a picture next to Santa! This is a big deal because she has been saying all season that she doesn't want to get close to him. But, after Santa gave her a candy cane and talked to her a bit, she warmed up. It was such a special moment for me.  It warmed my heart to see her look up at that jolly ol' fellow.  The two of us have been making Christmas crafts, talking about baby Jesus, singing Christmas carols, making cookies, buying presents, and truely enjoying the season.  Her favorite carol is Little Drummer Boy.  We read the book everyday and listen to the song multiple times a day (I downloaded the Bob Seger version as it's my favorite).

 I know just two short days after Christmas things are going to get crazy with IVF.  So, I really want to enjoy this last week where I don't actually have to think about TTC at all.  I don't have to care what cd it is, whether or now I'm ovulating, what shot I should be taking, what time I need to leave to make it to my appt.  I don't have to think about any of that, and I'm going to take full advantage of the rest of this little break. 

Merry Christmas!!!!

Step 1, Birth Control

There are so many emotions and thoughts constantly running a muck in my head.  Will this work? When will I tell family if it does? When will I tell them if it doesn't? What if this doesn't work?  How will I cope? How will I explain to my beautiful daughter that mommy isn't trying anymore?  This is going to work! Why wouldn't it?  Don't be too confident.  Don't be too doubtful.  Don't stress about it.  How will my daughter do with all the babysitting, and me being gone more in one month than I have in her whole lifetime?  How can I keep myself from stressing?  What if I have bad reactions?  What if?  How? When? Why?....... I could go on an on. 

I repinned this quote the other day on Pinterest and need to deeply implement it into my life.   "The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days waiting for better ones! " After all, this is the most wonderful time of the year.  With Christmas just around the corner, and my birthday now less than a month away.  I need to enjoy life.  No, I can't just forget and ignore what is going on.  Yes, it will be impossible to not think about IVF.  But, I need to enjoy my life and all the wonderful things that are happening in the meantime.  I do have a wonderful life.  There is just one little sucky part about it.  But, I don't need to define my life by that one sucky part.  I am constantly waiting for that BFP.  Constantly.  It's so constant, that I find myself missing out on little things.  I regret that.  I will continue to regret it.  So, I need to start enjoying those things. 

I started birth control on Wednesday night.  It seems so counterproductive to be on birth control when actively TTC, doesn't it?  I know full and well that it's all part of the typical protocol for IVF, but I can't help be taken back by seeing that little book of pills on my counter.  It's surreal.  This is the first step towards IVF.  My next appt is Dec. 27, when I will have blood work done, a baseline u/s, and a seminar to go over all the drugs that I will be on.  It's expected that I will start the injections on Jan. 1, 2013.  Happy New Year :)

Offically moving on to IVF

It's all happening.  I'm not sure I'm fully ready, but who is every fully ready for any huge leap?  There is always this fear of failure.  Fear of the unknown. Fear to leave the comfort zone.  Although I'm fearful that IVF will not be successful, I'm ready to take this journey by the horns.  I'm ready.  I've got to stay positive.  Deep down in my heart I have faith that this will work.  It has to work.  The odds are in our favor for once.  IVF here we come. 

I'm having a hard time processing that this is where we are at in our journey to build our family.  When I scheduled my first appt with Fertility and Surgical Associates, I wondered if I should just wait it out and keep TTC naturally, for a few more months.  Then, we slowly learned that our chances were much slimmer on natural cycles than we thought.  Once we decided to start medicated cycles, EVERYBODY, myself included, thought that IVF would NEVER be needed. They/I thought that I would get pregnant with Metformin..........Clomid..... Clomid + IUI.......... Clomid+Injections+IUI  .........Injections+IUI...............  Nope.  One BFP that ended in an early miscarriage and that's it.  Nothing.  It's been too many months of perfectly planned intercourse, too many months of medicated cycles and IUI's, too many months of doing everything we can.  It's time to surrender and leave it all up to science and God.  Last night I laid awake wondering and praying.  Was I making the right decision to move forward with IVF?  Is this what God wants me to do?  I was over analyzing everything, something I'm very good at.  I came to the conclusion that God has led me down this path to make me the person I am.  He has created the the people who created the science to hopefully help me get pregnant.  He has led me to these decisions and I have to choose that path that feels right.  IVF feels right.  I know for a fact that I will never EVER be able to move on without attempting IVF. 

This journey has changed me as a person.  I have learned a lot about myself.  I've learned to not judge other people's situations.  I've learned to be more sympathetic.  I've learned to better deal with defeat and failure.  I've learned to better handle my emotions.  I've learned that jealousy and envy will get you nowhere and will do nothing but ruin you.  I've learned a lot.  I haven't completely changed, but I've grown a lot in the last two years.  Maybe I needed this journey for a reason?  Maybe I didn't.

Good old Aunt Flow showed up unannounced and unwelcome as usual today on CD24.  I put a call in to the nurse today and will soon know when to start the birth control, and get the tentative dates of the IVF cycle.  I'm ready. 

Prepping for IVF consultation

"All of my tried and true tricks of mapping out a problem, plan of action, and ultimate goal are NOT working for the first time in my life and it's been HARD to come to terms with. I am finally learning to let go and give the control over to God. There are just so many things I don't understand still, but I've got to remind myself daily that for some reason I must need to learn something from this still. I am trying to remember each day that you can't have worry and faith together. They cannot co-exist. You either have faith or you worry. You can't have them both. I am trying to choose faith as best I can"  - Emily at Eat Love Procreate

I couldn't have said it better myself.  I have no control over this.  What I can control is whether or not to move forward with IVF, which will be decided after our consult on Saturday.  If we do move forward, all I can control is that we are attempting the procedure.  After that, it is up to my eggs, Jake's swimmers, and God. 

I've been looking forward to our IVF consultation.  I've complied many questions.  I've thought about how Jake is going to react to everything: the office, the doctor, the price, the procdure.  He hasn't been to one of these appts with me.  He doesn't see me give myself shots, shoot suppositories up my lady parts, check my CM.  He hasn't gone to any meetings because he is either A) working to provide the income for these procedures or B) staying home to watch our little miracle child.  I'm excited and nervous for him to go with me. 

Here are the questions that I will be asking the RE in regards to my first (and only) IVF prodcedure.  Please feel free to use them if you need, or to suggest more questions
1) What, if any, testing needs to be done beforehand
2)Any pre-IVF restrictions/requirements to start now?
3) Restrictions on activity during actual cycle?  When does it start? What are the restrictions?
4)What are our chances given my age and history?  Does having a successful childbirth up the chances at all?
5) Thoughts on 3day vs. 5day transfer?  What's the difference between the two?
6) Should I drop my antidepressants while on IVF cycle?
7) Will you be doing all the footwork with my insurance company?
8)Exactly how much will I have to pay OOP for one procedure?  And, what WILL be included?
9) What ISN'T included in that price?
 10)Price with freezing for FET vs. not freezing?
11) How many visits can I except during one IVF cycle?
12)What medications will I be taking?
13)  Can we order any or all of the meds before the first of the year since I've already met my copayment for this year?
14) Do you recommend complementary or alternative medicines?
15) When do you cancel a cycle?
16) What things can go wrong? Costs of cancelled cycle?

Adios Facebook!!!

I deactivated my Facebook account.... for now.  I needed a break.  I'm working very hard on myself.  Trying to be a better mother.  Trying to be a better wife. Trying to focus more on my little family.  Trying to build up my self esteem.  Trying to be more productive around the house.  Therefore, I didn't need the distraction of Facebook.  I'm sad that I won't get to interact with my mommy group that I love.  I'm sad that I wont get to see pictures of my niece and other family.  But, life goes on.  It did before I have Facebook.  I plan to stay off for at least 3 weeks.  Then, I will see how I feel.  I have to admit that it felt really good to hit that deactivate button.  I needed it. 

It's a vicious cycle and I'm not alone

"The sad irony is that, especially when women overeat, food itself becomes a stressor and a vicious cycle can ensue." - SELF.com

"Is it REALLY as bad as she says it is?" Yes. Studies show that women with fertility problems are as stressed, anxious, and depressed as women with cancer, heart disease, or HIV. Blood tests, pills, injections, ultrasounds, and procedures cause stress and emotional upheaval in women. Also, society fails to recognize the grief caused by infertility, so people denied parenthood tend to hide their sorrow, which only increases their feelings of shame and isolation.

Infertility..... Stress..... Stress Eating.... Guilt..... dwindling self esteem....... extreme exercise..... calorie cutting..... OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It's a viscous cycle that I'm stuck in, but apparently I'm not alone.  I was awake early this morning after hubby left for the gym and work.  While I waited for my princess of a daughter to wake up, I did what I do best in my free time.... Googled!  I was surprised to find so much on stress eating and infertility and how many people stress eat when dealing with infertility. 

I deal with stress by either A) eating B) vigorous exercise, or both A & B.  I always have, but the times were fewer and further between.  It hasn't been until this past Spring that I became very stressed, depressed, and anxious about this whole infertility thing.  That is when I learned the extent of my unfortunate lady parts.  That was the 1 year mark of actively TTC.  That was the time that I had "expected" to have baby #2.  I liked to think that I wasn't stressed out about making a baby. But the truth is, it's fucking stressful!!! It's fucking exhausting, and it has taken a toll on my body, mind, and soul.  I try very very hard to be strong.  To not stress.  To let it be.  To put my faith in God. I always put on a smile.  I try to not cry.  But, this struggle has changed me.  And because of all of this.... I stress eat..... It's what I know.  It's how I cope.  Unfortunately, it's only a very temporary fix.  As soon as I stop eating, the guilt sets in.  Then, the lack of self esteem sets in.  Then, I work out too hard.  Then, it starts all over again.  I don't want to make excuses and say that it's okay to do this because I'm stressed and my body is making Cortisol causing me to eat.  I want to change this.  I want to focus my attention elsewhere.  This is going to be extremely hard to do.  I will not be perfect.  I will still have days where I relapse and rely on food as my crutch.  I'm hoping to make those days few and far between.  It's going to be hard to do, because I'm not giving up my journey of trying to have a baby yet.  It's our dream and desire to have one more baby and we are still actively chasing that dream.  For now. 

I'm glad I had the time this morning to read up on stress eating, in addition to the stress caused by infertility and the toll it takes on your body.  It was very eye opening.  Knowledge is power.  I now have the knowledge of WHY I overeat.  Now, I need to maintain the power to take charge.  I don't want to be fat and have a barren womb. 

With that said, I also think that I need to be a little easier on myself.  Yes, I do need to stop the over eating and find other ways to cope.  But, I'm at a healthy weight.  I'm 5'7" and 138lbs.  That is fine.  It is healthy.  I can wear sizes as small as a 4.  I should be okay with that.  The problem is, I was always larger than my close friends.  I was never fat, but they were skinner with what I thought were better bodies.  After I had my little diva, I lost all the weight, and then kept losing.  I got a little cray cray with the fitness, and got down to 124, but maintained 127 for a long time.  I was super fit and loved the fact that I was finally the same size or smaller than my friends.  This is a very unhealthy frame of mind, and I acknowledge that.  But, I've always had issues comparing myself to others.  Being that small was extremely hard to maintain and it caused me to lose a lot of hair and not have regular periods. Obviosuly not healthy.  But, I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with not being able to fit into those size 26 jeans.  I have a hard time seeing my skin jiggle in the mirror when it didn't just 6 months ago.  But, I need to let go.  I'm a mother of a daughter and I need to set a good example of self esteem and teach her to love her body.  I don't want her to be like me.  I need to change for both her and I. 

And you thought YOU had issues lol