Weddings and the emotions they bring

This past weekend we attended a family wedding.  One of Jake's cousins got married on the beautiful Central coast of California.  We, along with Jake's mom and brother's family, made a 5 night camping vacation out of the wedding.  Overall, it was a complete blast, and I'm so glad we went.  Taylor got to spend some great quality time with her cousins.  Tay and her cousin, C, are 6 months apart.  It was sooo much fun to watch them play together.

Taylor and C dancing at the wedding <3

 

Weddings always have this way of bringing out the best and worst of my emotions.  I love seeing Jake all dressed up and handsome.  I love being reminded of what love is, and witnessing all the LOVE in the air. I love catching up with old friends, family, and meeting new people.  I love the food and dancing, and the champagne.  Lately, I always seem to get very emotional, and really count my blessings at weddings, and this is good thing.  I have a fabulous husband who loves me unconditionally, even when I am bat shit crazy.  I have a perfect, healthy, beautiful little girl who loves me more than anything in the world.  I have great family and wonderful friends who invite us to their weddings because they love us, and want us to be a part of their most special day.  It's really important for me to count what blessings I do have.  Infertility loves to rob me of my thankfulness from time to time, and it's moments like these  that I'm able to steal that thankfulness back. 

 

These two humans make my heart full.  They are my world, and I love them more than they will ever know.

 

Unfortunately, weddings also tend to bring out the worst in me.  I had a great time at this wedding, but it all came to a screeching halt when I turned on the water works in the cab on the ride home.  I was holding my 14month old nephew and I just started sobbing (the one I said sadly reminded me of what I could have if I got preggers right away with #2).  It went on later in the trailer as I cried to Jake for over an hour about how sick I was of this journey....... It was pretty ridiculous, and I'm sure the few glasses of champagne aided in my emotions.  But, I needed to let it out.  You see, people at weddings are also always assuming what's next for others.  So, I was asked numerous times where baby #2 was.  I was told by someone unaware of our journey that I better up and have #2 before Taylor got too old to care about a sibling.  I felt uncomfortable in far too many conversations.  This is what led up to the water works.  I hate that infertility brings be down at some of the best times.  But, such is life I guess. Throwing in the towel on ATTC is not at easy as it seems.  I can't just say "I'm done" and have all the emotions, and downfalls just slip away.  Oh Lord, how I wish it was that easy.  I'm definitely in some stage of the mourning process still.... and wow, what a fantastic stage it is.  The only thing I can say is that "it is just a phase.... it will end... there will be and end".

 

Luckily, a couple nights later, I got to spend some great time with one of my longest and very best friends at the Mid State Fair in Paso Robles, CA.  We had dinner, walked around, and watched most of a Phillip Phillps and John Mayer concert.  Seeing her and venting about my ups and downs of the weekend made me a much happier lady.  It's always nice to catch up with friends who I don't get to see as often as I would like to. 

                                      Yes, I'm drinking Bud Light..... don't judge lol

Results are in





Today is the last day of the 10 day challenge. I should actually weigh in tomorrow, but we are leaving for a trip this afternoon and there will be no scale. This 10 day clean eating pledge flew by! But even in 10 short days, I had to practice a lot of will power to not eat or drink things offered to me. I'm very proud of myself for sticking to it, and I plan to do a 20 day challenge in the very near future.

Overall, I feel great! I feel lighter, bloated free, and energetic. I don't feel the least bit of guilt after a meal or snack because I know every nutrient going into my body is a good one. I started this challenge wanting to feel better and see some definition in my muscles. Well, my goals were achieved. 

It's hard to see a difference in the before and after photo, but I can tell and that's all that matters. Only difference I see on The photo is that I'm tanner now than 10 days ago lol

I think it's good that I did these before and after pics because now I can see what others always tell me. That they can tell if I gain 3-6lbs. It's true. I lost 4 lbs, but you can't tell!!!!

I started this challenge weighing 141..... I'm currently at 137 (I'm 5'6"). So I lost a total of 4 pounds!!!! I was really hoping to lose just 2 pounds, so I'm very happy!!!!

This was the little push that I needed to boost my self esteem before a wedding and family events. 

My goal through our vacation is to continue to eat clean. I plan to make my smartest choices, and not over indulge. Moderation is key. I'm going to bring wine and light beer back into my doer just for social purposes. But, once we get home... No more adult bev's on the weekdays! 

I also plan to not weigh myself any more than every 10 days. Above all, I'm super proud of myself for not stepping on that scale earlier. I wanted to so many times.

As for this moment, right now, I can say that I love my body, the way I look, and the way I feel.  Now only if I can keep this going....... :)

I am letting go

I don't even know where to start with this post.  It's going to be all over the place, as my emotions are all over the place...... so please bare with me.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I'm tired and my anxiety is on the rise due to a family trip with the In-Law's.  Deep down, I love Jake's family.  I truly do.  I have this huge issue with anxiety and lack of sleep when getting ready for any type of trip... no matter how long it is, how easy it is, etc.  I take all the fun out of the excitement of a trip for both my hubs and I until we actually get there and set up.... then I chillax... a little.  I am my mother, in this sense.  I remember watching her stress the f**k out when prepping for trips, and I used to think "why is she so crazy?!?!" Well, I'm that crazy lady now.  I don't love this part of me, but I accept it.  Anywho, we leave Thursday afternoon for the central coast of CA for 5 nights.  I've just started packing, and haven't even stepped foot in our 5th wheel yet.  But, I'm already anxiety ridden and losing sleep just because my head doesn't stop spinning.  It's filled with anxiety that I get everything done, still make it to the gym, and eat clean.  It's anxiety ridden that I have to spend 4 nights surrounded my a lovely, chaotic, whirlwind that I am so not used to (sidebar- in MY family, our family gatherings were as much as a 1/2 day of togetherness, then everybody went home.  So, being with a huge group of family for 5 days straight is something new to me..... well, 8 years new lol). 

Anyways back to my anxiety.  I'm also nervous and stressed out about my rising feelings of jealousy, anger, bitterness, and extreme sadness from comparing my life with that of  other's in Jake's family.  I HATE comparison, I HATE having ill feelings, but I accept them... then I try to hide them.  These feelings arise all because of fucking infertility.  I want to be able to say, "hey, we're ready for our second child" and have one just pop in my belly for 9 months like every other person in Jake's family.  But, nope.  That's not our journey.  Last night, in the middle of my tears, I told Jake that "it's hard to be happy, when I watch everybody else have what we want so badly", to which he replied "ya, but they're lives aren't perfect either.  Do you think that they like having their husbands/dad's gone for two weeks at a time?.... they might have the two kids that you want, but their kids barely get to see their father" And, while Jake did have a point..... they DID CHOOSE that career path for their family knowing full and well the schedule.  I DIDN'T CHOOSE to have secondary infertility.  But, his overall point was to STOP comparing.  And, he's 100% right about that.  All I'm doing is robbing the joy that I DO have by comparing.  Yes, part of our life fucking sucks right now, but there is so much good...... soooooo much greatness.  And with that, I started crying because I knew that I have to let go.  It's really truly time to let go. 





Yesterday was ridiculous for me.  But, I'm glad it happened as I needed to go through those emotions, and end it with a heart to heart with Jake. Yesterday was spent at the MIL's house with my SIL (Jake's brother's wife) and her two kids.  C is 6 months younger than Taylor and B is 14 months old.  They live out of state, but are here to visit for the entire month of July.  I have this problem with looking at B and just thinking that I could have a child his age if I got pregnant when we first started trying.  SIL and I started ATTC our second at the same time.  She got lucky, and I didn't.  So, as much as I love my nephew, his age hurts my heart.  The bigger grows, the longer I've been ATTC.  It's a painful reminder.  I wasn't in a good mood yesterday... SIL was on my nerves for other reasons...... and we spent 4+ hours with her and her kids... along with her friend who has her two kids.  I just sat there with nothing to say.  I couldn't relate to their convo's of comparing siblings, second birth experiences, fighting siblings, sharing rooms, moving babies to own rooms, etc.  I felt so left out.  So empty, embarrassed, barren, excluded, angry, jealous, bitter, and sad.  So fucking sad.  I want to be part of that group, and join in the convos.  But, I don't belong.  I'm not a mother of siblings and I probably wont ever be.  I hope and pray that one day I learn to be okay in those convos, even though I can't relate. 

There have only been a handful times that I know I wasn't good at hiding the emotions of infertility.  This was one of those times.  I didn't even try, I was over it.  It didn't help that I was tired and already irritated with our sister in law (Jake's brother's wife).  In retrospect, I didn't like theway I acted and neither did Jake apparently.  He wasn't mad at me, but he was mad at my emotions. He was frustrated that infertility has led me to feel like that, because that isn't me. 

All of this led to a lengthy late night discussion and a good cry.  In short, Jake said he's sick of seeing me upset, and wishes I could just be content with the way things are, and frankly, so do I.  It's like pulling teeth to get Jake to open up and say what he really means, so after getting his true feelings out, we've decided to finally let go of any "trying" on our part of this journey.  There is no reason for me to keep perfectly timing intercourse, or researching why I might not be getting pregnant.  It is what it is.  I'm ready to give up.  I'm so done trying, and my husband is too.  It feels really good to say that.  Simultaneously, it's really scary.  We have been ATTC for over 2 years now, so it's going to take a lot of conscious effort to switch it all off.  I plan to do it in baby steps. 

The first baby step is to do away with and TTC boards, to do away with OPKs, and to tell myself to STOP when I start thinking about ATTC.  Of course we still hope of a miracle...... but it's safe to say at this point, aside from our last hail mary FET.... we are "not trying, but not preventing".

With that said, I have a phone consultation with Dr. B today to discuss our FET cycle.  Jake and I have decided to move forward with the FET and go with whatever Dr. B suggests, and do it the soonest  cycle possible. I'm not going to ask to do anything that he doesn't already suggest.  I'm going to ask for the protocol that puts the least power in my hands.  We are going to put all of this in Dr. B and God's hands.  Obviously we have no power. 



 

 

I pinned this photo probably over a year ago, and I've looked at it multiple times since then.  And, I've always thought, "I can't wait until I can actually say this." Well, here it is people...... 

Day 8 of the 10 day challenge



10 Day Clean Eating Pledge update: So far, I'm doing pretty good.  I haven't had one bite of sweets, I've avoided alcohol entirely, and I haven't weighed myself in 8 days.  As far as the clean eating goes, I have done great at home.  We had two meals at friend's houses, where I chose the best options I could.  I chose a turkey sub sandwich at a birthday party, with white bread, which is a NO-NO, but I was starving and wanted to avoid snacking on chips, pretzels, and candy.  So, I made my best choice.  The other meal was a hamburger on a whole wheat bun, with some beans.  This meal wasn't as bad, but I'm pretty sure the buns nor the beans  were the "cleanest" option, but beggars can't be choosers.  All my other meals have been as clean as possible, so I'm happy.  I feel great! I'm not bloated at all, I don't feel lazy or guilty after a meal, and I have ton's of energy.  It's been hard to not drink in social situations, where I would usually have one glass of wine or one beer.... but this is a challenge and I'm challenging myself to just say NO! Mind of Matter. Instead, I just chug my water and snack on raw carrots, celery, and radishes.  Oh, and chew a lot of gum lol.  Thursday is the last day of the challenge. 

We leave Friday for a mini vacation and family wedding.  I'm hoping to make good food choices over the vacation, and stick to wine and champagne for drinks.I love me some beer, but it just makes me bloated and tired.   This shouldn't be too hard as the only meal we won't be preparing ourselves from our trailer is the wedding.  So, if I pack my trailer with clean food, my family and I will eat clean food. 

I'll update again when the 10 days is complete.... hopefully with a before and after picture and some details :)

If you want more info on the 10 day pledge I took, here is the link. 
This website is amazing for all things related to eating clean.  http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/take-the-10-day-pledge/

 





10 Days

I'm challenging myself for 10 days. 

I'm challenging myself to eat clean, following the 80/20 rule for 10 days. 

I'm challenging myself to absolutely no alcohol for 10 days. 

No desserts for 10 days. 

And lots and lots of water for 10 days. 

Originally, I was considering the AdvoCare 10 Day Challenge, but decided all I really needed to do was eat clean, cut out alcohol and sweets, and drinks an Insane amount of water. So...... Here goes. Another main challenge is to not step on a scale for 10 days. I've fallen back into the rut of weighing in daily. I then let that number determine my morning mood. This isn't healthy, and I need to get out of the routine. The scale is now hidden. 

My basic meal plan is this:

Breakfast: coffee with Almond milk for creamer.... Vitamix veggie/fruit smoothie with a clean protein powder 

Morning snack: raw fruit or veggie 

Lunch: salad filled with raw veggies and a balsamic/ olive oil dressing 

Afternoon snack: raw fruit or veggie and/or nuts 

Dinner: lean meat, lots of veggies, and whole grains 

"Dessert": berries, organic popcorn, or plain nonfat Greek yogurt. 

Here is my lunch salad from today. It was super yummy and calculated 246 calories! 

So..... Here is my before and current. I can't believe I'm posting this.... I'm slightly embarrassed as I NEVER do this. But, I want to motivate and inspire, so here goes. Before was right after my miscarriage. I was bloated, eating like crap, and drinking beer daily. Current was yesterday in the middle of the day after swimming with Tay. My hopes are that after 10 days of no alcohol, clean eating, and my normal workout regime that my abs will tone, and my muscles will be more defined. I'm proud of how far I've come since then, but I want to tone up some more. 

 

This will be a log 10 days. I have two parties to attend next weekend where I will have to resist sweets and junk food. But, I can do this. I want to do this. Day 11 is a wedding, so I can "reward" myself then with some champs and some bites of Taylor's slice of cake. 

If nothing else comes of this... At least I will be jump starting my body for our upcoming FET. 

If anybody wants to join me, I would love a buddy!!!!! 

4 years ago today

It was exactly for years ago that I found out I was pregnant with Taylor.  I had suspected it on July 4th when I attempted to drink a beer and it tasted horrible and I couldn't even think about sipping any type of alcohol.  The next day, I tested and had a shadow of a line, followed by a day of nausea and I just knew.  The next morning I tested again and had a BFP.  That would have been exactly 4 years ago today.

Today, I'm filled with so many mixed emotions.  This isn't a day I usually mark on a calendar or anything... it was just kind of by mistake I even realized what today was.  I'm so incredibly thankful for our little girl.  She is our world, and will always be.  When she was lighting off fireworks on the 4th, I kept staring at her with such love in my heart.  She is such a blessing. 

We are getting ready to head to my parents' house for my Dad's birthday BBQ.  There will be 16 people, and Taylor will be the only child.  While she is sure to get plenty of attention, my family gatherings are usually pretty lonesome for her.  This makes me so extremely sad.  As I write about it, my heart aches and my eyes fill with tears.  I HATE that she doesn't have a sibling to play with.  I know she doesn't "need" a sibling, but it just brings me much sadness to hear her ask why all her Aunt's have had new babies and Mommy hasn't.  I hate that my sister lives in another state and therefore her and my niece, Melody, aren't ever at these events.  Too bad she loves where she lives and wont come home to good ol Kern County lol.  And while, I hate that she doesn't have a sibling.  Being around my family (and Jake's) brings me so much peace and comfort.  There are very few people that I feel completely comfortable around these days, and luckily my parents are still one of them.  So, although today makes me sad, I look forward to their company. 

We will be attending a family wedding on Jake's side in a couple of weeks.  This scenario also gives me lots of anxiety.  The plus side is that there will be an abundance of cousins all right around Tay's age for her to play with for 4 days straight.  This will be such a fun time for her.  Jake and I absolutely cherish the time that we get to watch Taylor play with her little cousins.  It is always time well spent.  The part of this situation that brings me anxiety is that I'm the only wife in this family to struggle with infertility.  The family really doesn't even comprehend what we're going through.  My SIL and Jake's cousins have all had more children when their oldest (or one of their older kids) is Taylor's age.  I feel extremely left out.  Left behind.  Less of a mother.  Inferior.  Incapable.  Less of a woman.  I know I'm not most of these things.  I know that.  But, it doesn't keep me from feeling them.  Infertility sucks and there is no way around it.  Most of this trip will be filled with fun times, happy feelings, and lack of time to think about my infertility.  But, there are certain conversations, and activities and comments during these family events where I just want scream, or cry, or run away.  I usually leave the group, cry, and then put my big girl panties on and join the group again.  It's really sad that Infertility takes away some of the joy from such joyous times, but it does, and I can't help it. 

Sorry for not proofreading this post.  I really needed to vent before heading out.  But, now I have to cut the brownies and get on the road. :)

Decisions, Decisions

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July.  Ours was pretty low key.  We went over to a friend's house.  It was just us and them and it was perfect. Pool, hamburgers, fireworks.... traditional Independence Day celebration :)


Currently, I'm on cd40 of a natural cycle.  I've taken 3 pregnancy tests starting on cd33 and all are BFN.  So, I'm guessing this is an annovulatory cycle?  Or I O'd extremely late? Or I've yet to O? I don't really know the answer as to why I'm late since I didn't check my temps or even use opks this cycle, considering I'm kind of on a break. Only thing I did was check my cm until about cd22 at which point I hadn't seen EWCM, so I figured I missed it or wasn't going to have any (normal for me when I still ovulate).  I've never wanted AF to show up so bad!!!! I've tried every scenario that has been know to bring on AF in the past..... wearing white, leaving the house without tampons, sex, crunches, and running.  Still nada.  This is making me crazy! I'm going to wait until next Monday or Tuesday to call my OB or RE (still haven't decided which one to call?) and let them know what's going on. 

This delay of AF has altered the tentative dates for my last FET attempt. Since I don't have a clue when I'm going to start now, it's hard to decide what month will be best.  I'm not planning on starting anything until the middle of August anyways, at the very earliest.  The middle of August or the middle/end of October would be the most two ideal times.  Maybe, just maybe, I will get AF around the middle of this month, and then everything will be on track for either two of those months.  Then, comes the decisions I've been struggling with. The decisions that consume my mind when I have down time.  The decisions that I wish I never had to make, and that many people never even think about.  This is (most likely) our very last chance at completing our family with a significantly higher success rate than the good ol natural baby dance.  It breaks my heart to know that this is it.  If this doesn't work.  We are really done.  Done with medical procedures, unless with decide to split the embryos up... but more on that later. Done ATTC.  Done.  That TERRIFIES me.  As much healing as I have done, and as much as I really am ready to give up and move on, I'm still really sad that my body has failed me.  That it has failed to do the one thing that so many women do over and over and over.  With that said, my decision to move forward in August vs. October would be because I want to
A) stop thinking about the frosties waiting for us and B) move on ASAP.  I figure the sooner the better for my heart and my mind to either A) finally get our miracle or B) move on and heal.  August would be the most ideal month.  But........ October 12th I'm signing up for a Volkslauf run/physical obstacle course. And on October 18th we go to Vegas for two nights.  So, the beginning of October holds two events that would obviously be more enjoyable not being pregnant.  We will go to Vegas no matter what.  We are going with friends to a motorcycle thing, and I will have fun regardless of if I can drink or not.  I'm just not sure whether I want to try before of after these events.  Part of me gets so mad for even debating this anymore.  But, the other part of me is so happy that I'm actually booking events these days instead of saying "well, I might be pregnant so I can't do that"

The other decision that comes with the FET is whether to put two embryos in or one.  I get headaches from thinking about this too much.  Dr. B briefly suggested that we put our last two (they are in the same vial) in next time.  Prior to this suggestion, he has been very adamant about only wanting to transfer one embryo per cycle.  I'm kinda pissed that the lab put two embryos in the same vial in the first place.  I know it's common, but if they would have looked at my chart, they could have seen that I do SET.  grrr, whatever.  So here's the choices
A) we transfer both embryos and hope that both don't stick.  If somehow both stuck and had heartbeats, I would either have to choose selective reduction or risk carrying twins with a small uterus.  Obviously both of those decisions royally suck!!!! Selective reduction is a very personal choice.  And, I get that it could be medically necessary, I just don't know that I could do it.  But, I know that I couldn't carry twins and be an active mother to Taylor, so twins is out the window.  I know my chances of having both embryos implant is pretty slim considering implantation is my problem...... but I can't do twins

 B) is to thaw both embryos, transfer the best one, and then try to refreeze the last one for one more attempt.  This is the most ideal option, because it gives us more chances and isn't as scary.  But..... it means twice as much money, and it means that I will be stuck in this vicious cycle for longer with another attempt.  Also, it's not guaranteed that the refrozen embryo would be any good once thawed for the second time anyways. 

C) is to implant the best embryo and donate the other.  I'm not really sure I'm ready to give up that last embryo, especially if I don't get pregnant, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to keep trying either.  I'm really at a loss of what to do.  .  Why on Earth do I have to make decisions like these?????

If we decide to go with option B, I need to do the first of two possible FETs in August. That way I can make sure to have both FET's (if needed) done before January, when I would get charged a storage fee.  I don't want to pay a storage fee for one embryo. 

Another set of decisions we are dealing with as a family breaks my heart.  As we decide where to send Taylor for 2 half days (3 hours a day) of preschool, I'm left with the bitter reminder that A) my precious baby girl is growing up and B) that it was our plan to already have a baby, maybe even a one year old at home with me while Taylor went to preschool.  On a selfish note, I'm having a really hard time with knowing that there isn't a baby here while she leaves for school.  I'm pissed that I now have to figure out what to do with my time that she's gone and be productive, when I should be having some one on one time with our second child.  This is really hard to get over.  I feel guilty shipping her off to school and hanging out by myself. Although, as an only child, I know she needs to go.  This makes me think I should go back to work, which makes me (and Jake) even sadder.  We are not ready for me to go back to work.  I'm going to stay home with Taylor until Kinder at least.  But, it's just weird to have her leaving, while I "find things to do".  In my heart I know I want to be home with her, even if she is gone for 6 hours a week.  But, I feel like a lot of people are expecting me to go back to work because I don't have a baby at home to care for anymore.  And that sucks. 

Anyways, back to the decision of where to send her. We viewed  the two preschools that are both highly recommended next to our house.  They were both.... okay.  I wasn't super duper impressed with either.  But, my guard is up.  I'm obviously having issues letting go of my little girl growing up,  so nothing looks good lol.  As a former teacher, I would hate if somebody judged my entire schedule and day from viewing my class for two minutes, so I'm trying to remind myself of that.   Now we just have to decide if we want to send her to the bigger school, that has more money, more activities, more kids, more field trips, etc. Or, if we want to go with the smaller, more intimate school that has had the same teachers for 10+ years, but has far less money, less kids, less supplies, but just as much love and learning.  Taylor personally wants to go to the bigger school because we drive by it everyday and she says "that's my school mamma, I go there after we go to Melody's house" (We told her she can start school after our trip to Oregon to see her cousin, Melody).  Plus, we have neighborhood kids that go to the big school, and she knows they go there.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.  All these decisions drive me crazy!  I can't complain because at least I have embryos to decide what to do with, and at least I have a daughter and the funds to even consider preschool while I stay at home.  So, I hope I don't sound selfish.  It's just hard to make all these decisions that I never envisioned myself having to make. 

On a positive note, other than all these decisions, I'm still doing pretty good emotionally.  I'm able to be around my pregnant friends without coming home and crying (although I am thinking about skipping one's shower due to 3 huge pregnant bellies being there).  We've been so busy doing all kinds of fun things.  I've really been enjoying my time with my daughter.  Without a baby in toe, we are able to do such much at the drop of the dime, and I'm trying to take full advantage of that.  Today, we're off to a make up swim lesson, then to see Monster's University with my mom.  Then, my mom asked if she could take Taylor for the night.  So, Jake and I will have a date night!!  Tomorrow, we go to my parents' to ride my horse, and bbq for my Dad's birthday.  Fun times :)

If you read this whole post, I applaud you and thank you.  It was a lengthy one!