Decisions, Decisions

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July.  Ours was pretty low key.  We went over to a friend's house.  It was just us and them and it was perfect. Pool, hamburgers, fireworks.... traditional Independence Day celebration :)


Currently, I'm on cd40 of a natural cycle.  I've taken 3 pregnancy tests starting on cd33 and all are BFN.  So, I'm guessing this is an annovulatory cycle?  Or I O'd extremely late? Or I've yet to O? I don't really know the answer as to why I'm late since I didn't check my temps or even use opks this cycle, considering I'm kind of on a break. Only thing I did was check my cm until about cd22 at which point I hadn't seen EWCM, so I figured I missed it or wasn't going to have any (normal for me when I still ovulate).  I've never wanted AF to show up so bad!!!! I've tried every scenario that has been know to bring on AF in the past..... wearing white, leaving the house without tampons, sex, crunches, and running.  Still nada.  This is making me crazy! I'm going to wait until next Monday or Tuesday to call my OB or RE (still haven't decided which one to call?) and let them know what's going on. 

This delay of AF has altered the tentative dates for my last FET attempt. Since I don't have a clue when I'm going to start now, it's hard to decide what month will be best.  I'm not planning on starting anything until the middle of August anyways, at the very earliest.  The middle of August or the middle/end of October would be the most two ideal times.  Maybe, just maybe, I will get AF around the middle of this month, and then everything will be on track for either two of those months.  Then, comes the decisions I've been struggling with. The decisions that consume my mind when I have down time.  The decisions that I wish I never had to make, and that many people never even think about.  This is (most likely) our very last chance at completing our family with a significantly higher success rate than the good ol natural baby dance.  It breaks my heart to know that this is it.  If this doesn't work.  We are really done.  Done with medical procedures, unless with decide to split the embryos up... but more on that later. Done ATTC.  Done.  That TERRIFIES me.  As much healing as I have done, and as much as I really am ready to give up and move on, I'm still really sad that my body has failed me.  That it has failed to do the one thing that so many women do over and over and over.  With that said, my decision to move forward in August vs. October would be because I want to
A) stop thinking about the frosties waiting for us and B) move on ASAP.  I figure the sooner the better for my heart and my mind to either A) finally get our miracle or B) move on and heal.  August would be the most ideal month.  But........ October 12th I'm signing up for a Volkslauf run/physical obstacle course. And on October 18th we go to Vegas for two nights.  So, the beginning of October holds two events that would obviously be more enjoyable not being pregnant.  We will go to Vegas no matter what.  We are going with friends to a motorcycle thing, and I will have fun regardless of if I can drink or not.  I'm just not sure whether I want to try before of after these events.  Part of me gets so mad for even debating this anymore.  But, the other part of me is so happy that I'm actually booking events these days instead of saying "well, I might be pregnant so I can't do that"

The other decision that comes with the FET is whether to put two embryos in or one.  I get headaches from thinking about this too much.  Dr. B briefly suggested that we put our last two (they are in the same vial) in next time.  Prior to this suggestion, he has been very adamant about only wanting to transfer one embryo per cycle.  I'm kinda pissed that the lab put two embryos in the same vial in the first place.  I know it's common, but if they would have looked at my chart, they could have seen that I do SET.  grrr, whatever.  So here's the choices
A) we transfer both embryos and hope that both don't stick.  If somehow both stuck and had heartbeats, I would either have to choose selective reduction or risk carrying twins with a small uterus.  Obviously both of those decisions royally suck!!!! Selective reduction is a very personal choice.  And, I get that it could be medically necessary, I just don't know that I could do it.  But, I know that I couldn't carry twins and be an active mother to Taylor, so twins is out the window.  I know my chances of having both embryos implant is pretty slim considering implantation is my problem...... but I can't do twins

 B) is to thaw both embryos, transfer the best one, and then try to refreeze the last one for one more attempt.  This is the most ideal option, because it gives us more chances and isn't as scary.  But..... it means twice as much money, and it means that I will be stuck in this vicious cycle for longer with another attempt.  Also, it's not guaranteed that the refrozen embryo would be any good once thawed for the second time anyways. 

C) is to implant the best embryo and donate the other.  I'm not really sure I'm ready to give up that last embryo, especially if I don't get pregnant, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to keep trying either.  I'm really at a loss of what to do.  .  Why on Earth do I have to make decisions like these?????

If we decide to go with option B, I need to do the first of two possible FETs in August. That way I can make sure to have both FET's (if needed) done before January, when I would get charged a storage fee.  I don't want to pay a storage fee for one embryo. 

Another set of decisions we are dealing with as a family breaks my heart.  As we decide where to send Taylor for 2 half days (3 hours a day) of preschool, I'm left with the bitter reminder that A) my precious baby girl is growing up and B) that it was our plan to already have a baby, maybe even a one year old at home with me while Taylor went to preschool.  On a selfish note, I'm having a really hard time with knowing that there isn't a baby here while she leaves for school.  I'm pissed that I now have to figure out what to do with my time that she's gone and be productive, when I should be having some one on one time with our second child.  This is really hard to get over.  I feel guilty shipping her off to school and hanging out by myself. Although, as an only child, I know she needs to go.  This makes me think I should go back to work, which makes me (and Jake) even sadder.  We are not ready for me to go back to work.  I'm going to stay home with Taylor until Kinder at least.  But, it's just weird to have her leaving, while I "find things to do".  In my heart I know I want to be home with her, even if she is gone for 6 hours a week.  But, I feel like a lot of people are expecting me to go back to work because I don't have a baby at home to care for anymore.  And that sucks. 

Anyways, back to the decision of where to send her. We viewed  the two preschools that are both highly recommended next to our house.  They were both.... okay.  I wasn't super duper impressed with either.  But, my guard is up.  I'm obviously having issues letting go of my little girl growing up,  so nothing looks good lol.  As a former teacher, I would hate if somebody judged my entire schedule and day from viewing my class for two minutes, so I'm trying to remind myself of that.   Now we just have to decide if we want to send her to the bigger school, that has more money, more activities, more kids, more field trips, etc. Or, if we want to go with the smaller, more intimate school that has had the same teachers for 10+ years, but has far less money, less kids, less supplies, but just as much love and learning.  Taylor personally wants to go to the bigger school because we drive by it everyday and she says "that's my school mamma, I go there after we go to Melody's house" (We told her she can start school after our trip to Oregon to see her cousin, Melody).  Plus, we have neighborhood kids that go to the big school, and she knows they go there.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.  All these decisions drive me crazy!  I can't complain because at least I have embryos to decide what to do with, and at least I have a daughter and the funds to even consider preschool while I stay at home.  So, I hope I don't sound selfish.  It's just hard to make all these decisions that I never envisioned myself having to make. 

On a positive note, other than all these decisions, I'm still doing pretty good emotionally.  I'm able to be around my pregnant friends without coming home and crying (although I am thinking about skipping one's shower due to 3 huge pregnant bellies being there).  We've been so busy doing all kinds of fun things.  I've really been enjoying my time with my daughter.  Without a baby in toe, we are able to do such much at the drop of the dime, and I'm trying to take full advantage of that.  Today, we're off to a make up swim lesson, then to see Monster's University with my mom.  Then, my mom asked if she could take Taylor for the night.  So, Jake and I will have a date night!!  Tomorrow, we go to my parents' to ride my horse, and bbq for my Dad's birthday.  Fun times :)

If you read this whole post, I applaud you and thank you.  It was a lengthy one!