I am letting go

I don't even know where to start with this post.  It's going to be all over the place, as my emotions are all over the place...... so please bare with me.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I'm tired and my anxiety is on the rise due to a family trip with the In-Law's.  Deep down, I love Jake's family.  I truly do.  I have this huge issue with anxiety and lack of sleep when getting ready for any type of trip... no matter how long it is, how easy it is, etc.  I take all the fun out of the excitement of a trip for both my hubs and I until we actually get there and set up.... then I chillax... a little.  I am my mother, in this sense.  I remember watching her stress the f**k out when prepping for trips, and I used to think "why is she so crazy?!?!" Well, I'm that crazy lady now.  I don't love this part of me, but I accept it.  Anywho, we leave Thursday afternoon for the central coast of CA for 5 nights.  I've just started packing, and haven't even stepped foot in our 5th wheel yet.  But, I'm already anxiety ridden and losing sleep just because my head doesn't stop spinning.  It's filled with anxiety that I get everything done, still make it to the gym, and eat clean.  It's anxiety ridden that I have to spend 4 nights surrounded my a lovely, chaotic, whirlwind that I am so not used to (sidebar- in MY family, our family gatherings were as much as a 1/2 day of togetherness, then everybody went home.  So, being with a huge group of family for 5 days straight is something new to me..... well, 8 years new lol). 

Anyways back to my anxiety.  I'm also nervous and stressed out about my rising feelings of jealousy, anger, bitterness, and extreme sadness from comparing my life with that of  other's in Jake's family.  I HATE comparison, I HATE having ill feelings, but I accept them... then I try to hide them.  These feelings arise all because of fucking infertility.  I want to be able to say, "hey, we're ready for our second child" and have one just pop in my belly for 9 months like every other person in Jake's family.  But, nope.  That's not our journey.  Last night, in the middle of my tears, I told Jake that "it's hard to be happy, when I watch everybody else have what we want so badly", to which he replied "ya, but they're lives aren't perfect either.  Do you think that they like having their husbands/dad's gone for two weeks at a time?.... they might have the two kids that you want, but their kids barely get to see their father" And, while Jake did have a point..... they DID CHOOSE that career path for their family knowing full and well the schedule.  I DIDN'T CHOOSE to have secondary infertility.  But, his overall point was to STOP comparing.  And, he's 100% right about that.  All I'm doing is robbing the joy that I DO have by comparing.  Yes, part of our life fucking sucks right now, but there is so much good...... soooooo much greatness.  And with that, I started crying because I knew that I have to let go.  It's really truly time to let go. 





Yesterday was ridiculous for me.  But, I'm glad it happened as I needed to go through those emotions, and end it with a heart to heart with Jake. Yesterday was spent at the MIL's house with my SIL (Jake's brother's wife) and her two kids.  C is 6 months younger than Taylor and B is 14 months old.  They live out of state, but are here to visit for the entire month of July.  I have this problem with looking at B and just thinking that I could have a child his age if I got pregnant when we first started trying.  SIL and I started ATTC our second at the same time.  She got lucky, and I didn't.  So, as much as I love my nephew, his age hurts my heart.  The bigger grows, the longer I've been ATTC.  It's a painful reminder.  I wasn't in a good mood yesterday... SIL was on my nerves for other reasons...... and we spent 4+ hours with her and her kids... along with her friend who has her two kids.  I just sat there with nothing to say.  I couldn't relate to their convo's of comparing siblings, second birth experiences, fighting siblings, sharing rooms, moving babies to own rooms, etc.  I felt so left out.  So empty, embarrassed, barren, excluded, angry, jealous, bitter, and sad.  So fucking sad.  I want to be part of that group, and join in the convos.  But, I don't belong.  I'm not a mother of siblings and I probably wont ever be.  I hope and pray that one day I learn to be okay in those convos, even though I can't relate. 

There have only been a handful times that I know I wasn't good at hiding the emotions of infertility.  This was one of those times.  I didn't even try, I was over it.  It didn't help that I was tired and already irritated with our sister in law (Jake's brother's wife).  In retrospect, I didn't like theway I acted and neither did Jake apparently.  He wasn't mad at me, but he was mad at my emotions. He was frustrated that infertility has led me to feel like that, because that isn't me. 

All of this led to a lengthy late night discussion and a good cry.  In short, Jake said he's sick of seeing me upset, and wishes I could just be content with the way things are, and frankly, so do I.  It's like pulling teeth to get Jake to open up and say what he really means, so after getting his true feelings out, we've decided to finally let go of any "trying" on our part of this journey.  There is no reason for me to keep perfectly timing intercourse, or researching why I might not be getting pregnant.  It is what it is.  I'm ready to give up.  I'm so done trying, and my husband is too.  It feels really good to say that.  Simultaneously, it's really scary.  We have been ATTC for over 2 years now, so it's going to take a lot of conscious effort to switch it all off.  I plan to do it in baby steps. 

The first baby step is to do away with and TTC boards, to do away with OPKs, and to tell myself to STOP when I start thinking about ATTC.  Of course we still hope of a miracle...... but it's safe to say at this point, aside from our last hail mary FET.... we are "not trying, but not preventing".

With that said, I have a phone consultation with Dr. B today to discuss our FET cycle.  Jake and I have decided to move forward with the FET and go with whatever Dr. B suggests, and do it the soonest  cycle possible. I'm not going to ask to do anything that he doesn't already suggest.  I'm going to ask for the protocol that puts the least power in my hands.  We are going to put all of this in Dr. B and God's hands.  Obviously we have no power. 



 

 

I pinned this photo probably over a year ago, and I've looked at it multiple times since then.  And, I've always thought, "I can't wait until I can actually say this." Well, here it is people......