I always find these type of infertility etiquette articles very helpful... and I can so relate. I've heard each and every one of those comments, at least once. Infertility sucks. Most people will never understand the hurt, frustration, and insecurities that come along with infertility. But, if you know someone struggling to get or stay pregnant, please read this article.
http://www.mothering.com/community/a/the-things-you-should-never-ever-say-to-someone-experiencing-fertility-issues
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Happy New Year
2013 was a rough year. There were so many ups and downs. We started of 2013 with stimming for IVF. We were full of hope. We were thrilled to learn that our first try at IVF was successful.... or so we thought. That thrill and hope was quickly shot down as I went through my first true miscarriage.... TWICE (first with pills, then with d&c). The following months after that were a roller coaster and honestly a big blur. Our first FET was a BFN and I was seriously ready to give up. I didn't care anymore. I was falling into a whirlwind of depression and anxiety. I just wanted to move on.... and I had started to. Then, in August, we decided to try one last time with our two remaining frosties before truly moving on. And, we were finally successful. The months following my BFP, Betas, early u/s were full of joy and fear. It was extremely hard to believe that this might really happening.... and we might actually get to take home baby in 2014! I have a love hate relationship with 2013 to say the least.
I'm starting 2014 off 21 weeks pregnant with a baby boy, with what seems to be healthy pregnancy thus far. After hitting that halfway mark, I can finally say that I think we are going to make it. I think our family is finally going to be complete, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My growing belly is a beautiful reminder that I have beat secondary infertility..... with the help of science of course. The now constant kicks and flutters make me smile and bring a sense of calming and peace.... and I truly could not be more thankful.
I've learned a lot about myself and who I want to be this year. I've learned that true friends are hard to come by. But that true friends will stand by your side through the thick and the thin. They will do anything to try to make your pain go away. I've learned that there is NOTHING more important to me than my family. Without my husband, my daughter, my parents, and my mother in law, I would have nothing. They have been through this Hell with me. My pain has been their pain. My joys have been their joys. My blessing is their blessing. I learned that I've become so attached to the relationship I have with some of my closest friends and family that I cannot move out of this shit hole city anytime soon. We will not live here forever. But, in my daughter's (and soon to be son's) first years of life, I want to be close to my mom. My mother in law. My best friends. My support system. My comfort zone. I've learned that my husband truly loves me for who I am. He has seen me at my worst this year, and he was nothing but supportive. I've learned a lot about my faith and lack there of. I still don't know exactly where I stand in terms of belief of a higher power. I want to believe, but I have questions and lots of them. But, what I do know it that there is power in prayer. It brings me a sense of peace and comfort. I've become more compassionate towards others. I have found myself taking more time to help and support others, whether they have asked for it or not. I've learned that my mom and my husband are my two best friends. I've learned that parenting is all about choosing your battles, and I don't want to fight them all.
I haven't posted as much as I should. I'm still struggling with the choice to continue this blog or not. Most of my readers are struggling with their own infertility. And, even though there is a sense of joy to see a fellow infertile win the battle.... it still hurts inside. There are days you just don't want to hear about Anybody being successful. You still be left behind. Therefore, there is a sense of guilt whenever I post about my joys and successes. But, I've decided to continue with this blog by writing about the things that I need to get off my chest. No, every post won't be about my pregnancy, nursery, growing belly, etc etc. It will be about the struggles, and issues in my life. I always feel a type of release when I blog. And, that's exactly why I created my blog in the first place. So, I will completely understand if you want to stop following my blog. But, in an effort to warn my readers of what the topic of a post might be, I plan to make the Title very clear. If I'm going to write about my pregnancy and such, I will clearly give that "warning" in my title, so it can be easily skipped over. If my post is about general health, fitness, life, relationships, recipes, etc..... I'll do my best to make that clear in my title.
I hope that 2014 brings many successes, happiness, and big achievements to all of you. Happy New Year!
I'm starting 2014 off 21 weeks pregnant with a baby boy, with what seems to be healthy pregnancy thus far. After hitting that halfway mark, I can finally say that I think we are going to make it. I think our family is finally going to be complete, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My growing belly is a beautiful reminder that I have beat secondary infertility..... with the help of science of course. The now constant kicks and flutters make me smile and bring a sense of calming and peace.... and I truly could not be more thankful.
I've learned a lot about myself and who I want to be this year. I've learned that true friends are hard to come by. But that true friends will stand by your side through the thick and the thin. They will do anything to try to make your pain go away. I've learned that there is NOTHING more important to me than my family. Without my husband, my daughter, my parents, and my mother in law, I would have nothing. They have been through this Hell with me. My pain has been their pain. My joys have been their joys. My blessing is their blessing. I learned that I've become so attached to the relationship I have with some of my closest friends and family that I cannot move out of this shit hole city anytime soon. We will not live here forever. But, in my daughter's (and soon to be son's) first years of life, I want to be close to my mom. My mother in law. My best friends. My support system. My comfort zone. I've learned that my husband truly loves me for who I am. He has seen me at my worst this year, and he was nothing but supportive. I've learned a lot about my faith and lack there of. I still don't know exactly where I stand in terms of belief of a higher power. I want to believe, but I have questions and lots of them. But, what I do know it that there is power in prayer. It brings me a sense of peace and comfort. I've become more compassionate towards others. I have found myself taking more time to help and support others, whether they have asked for it or not. I've learned that my mom and my husband are my two best friends. I've learned that parenting is all about choosing your battles, and I don't want to fight them all.
I haven't posted as much as I should. I'm still struggling with the choice to continue this blog or not. Most of my readers are struggling with their own infertility. And, even though there is a sense of joy to see a fellow infertile win the battle.... it still hurts inside. There are days you just don't want to hear about Anybody being successful. You still be left behind. Therefore, there is a sense of guilt whenever I post about my joys and successes. But, I've decided to continue with this blog by writing about the things that I need to get off my chest. No, every post won't be about my pregnancy, nursery, growing belly, etc etc. It will be about the struggles, and issues in my life. I always feel a type of release when I blog. And, that's exactly why I created my blog in the first place. So, I will completely understand if you want to stop following my blog. But, in an effort to warn my readers of what the topic of a post might be, I plan to make the Title very clear. If I'm going to write about my pregnancy and such, I will clearly give that "warning" in my title, so it can be easily skipped over. If my post is about general health, fitness, life, relationships, recipes, etc..... I'll do my best to make that clear in my title.
I hope that 2014 brings many successes, happiness, and big achievements to all of you. Happy New Year!
Friday, November 22, 2013
It's a...........
It's a BOY!!!!
We went to an elective ultrasound boutique type place for the gender determination. I was 15weeks3days and it was 110% obvious that it was a boy! I'm very excited! And, I'm actually in total shock. I can honestly say that I truly didn't care if it was a boy or girl. I just want a human baby. But, I felt like it was a girl. I expected to hear girl, so hearing "it's a boy" was a shocker!
As soon as the "money shot" came up on the huge screen Jake and I both knew exactly what it was. I looked over for Jake's reaction. He had a huge smile on his face. He just stared down at Taylor and waited for her response... more on her response later. I know that if he could have chosen the gender he would want a boy. But... he has said every time, "I just want a healthy baby." So, he didn't have that traditional man response about having a boy.... but I saw that smile :) I over heard him telling our friend (father of one daughter who was brought to this world through surrogacy) that he didn't care what we had but "that he loved his daughter so much that he couldn't imagine saying he wanted a boy over a girl." I will always remember that response. It melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Have I ever mentioned how much I love that man?!?!?! How great of a father I think he is to our daughter?!?!?!?! He is seriously the best, and I am beyond grateful for him.
Back to Taylor's response. During the ultrasound, she didn't say much about the gender. She just giggled at the baby kicking his feet and moving around. She asked a lot of questions about the ultrasound equipment and how it worked. After the appointment, she had a small break down with crocodile tears and all. She said she really wanted a baby sister. We talked a little bit about it, and how it was okay to be sad, that a baby brother is awesome, that you get what you get and you don't throw a bit. After that she ended up being fine. I don't think she's excited about the gender like we are, but she has plenty of time to come to terms with it. Overall, she's just happy to have a baby. She talks about how we will bathe the baby, rock the baby, how the baby will cry a lot, and not know how to talk. It warms my heart to have these conversations with her.
The best part of the elective ultrasound place wasn't finding out the gender. Instead it was seeing that sweet little miracle baby on a huge screen. Their equipment is top of the line, and everything was so clear and easy to point out. It was a huge, HUGE sense of reassurance to see all the parts. Plus, we got to listen to the heart beat for close to a minute straight, which will never EVER get old.
We went to an elective ultrasound boutique type place for the gender determination. I was 15weeks3days and it was 110% obvious that it was a boy! I'm very excited! And, I'm actually in total shock. I can honestly say that I truly didn't care if it was a boy or girl. I just want a human baby. But, I felt like it was a girl. I expected to hear girl, so hearing "it's a boy" was a shocker!
As soon as the "money shot" came up on the huge screen Jake and I both knew exactly what it was. I looked over for Jake's reaction. He had a huge smile on his face. He just stared down at Taylor and waited for her response... more on her response later. I know that if he could have chosen the gender he would want a boy. But... he has said every time, "I just want a healthy baby." So, he didn't have that traditional man response about having a boy.... but I saw that smile :) I over heard him telling our friend (father of one daughter who was brought to this world through surrogacy) that he didn't care what we had but "that he loved his daughter so much that he couldn't imagine saying he wanted a boy over a girl." I will always remember that response. It melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Have I ever mentioned how much I love that man?!?!?! How great of a father I think he is to our daughter?!?!?!?! He is seriously the best, and I am beyond grateful for him.
Back to Taylor's response. During the ultrasound, she didn't say much about the gender. She just giggled at the baby kicking his feet and moving around. She asked a lot of questions about the ultrasound equipment and how it worked. After the appointment, she had a small break down with crocodile tears and all. She said she really wanted a baby sister. We talked a little bit about it, and how it was okay to be sad, that a baby brother is awesome, that you get what you get and you don't throw a bit. After that she ended up being fine. I don't think she's excited about the gender like we are, but she has plenty of time to come to terms with it. Overall, she's just happy to have a baby. She talks about how we will bathe the baby, rock the baby, how the baby will cry a lot, and not know how to talk. It warms my heart to have these conversations with her.
The best part of the elective ultrasound place wasn't finding out the gender. Instead it was seeing that sweet little miracle baby on a huge screen. Their equipment is top of the line, and everything was so clear and easy to point out. It was a huge, HUGE sense of reassurance to see all the parts. Plus, we got to listen to the heart beat for close to a minute straight, which will never EVER get old.
I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgivng.
Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
Wow, it's been awhile since I've updated my blog. Mostly this is because I've just been busy. With family. With doctor appointments. With life. I've wanted to sit down and blog about my feelings, worries, and concerns many times in the last few weeks, but I never did. Instead, I did my best to read the posts of my fellow bloggers and comment when I had an extra 30 seconds. Another reason I haven't been blogging as much is that I don't have very much to say that I haven't said before. A lot of my fears, concerns, daily happenings are just the same damn thing that they always are. This is where public journals aka blogging is confusing for me. I use my blog as my journal. As a way to express my feelings and vent. And, I need to do it more often. But, when there is an audience reading your journal, it can feel silly to write about the same thing over and over.
Anyways.... I'm currently 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm officially in the 2nd trimester, which feels AMAZING! On Tuesday, I had a checkup with the OB where we got to see baby. As of now, all is healthy, on track, and going as planned. It still feels like a dream that this is actually happening. Every day passed and every milestone hit still feels like a HUGE accomplishment.
Prior to every appointment, I have my pre-appointment anxiety attack where I really start to worry that we will see the worst. At this stage that is A) no heartbeat or B) delayed or no growth. Tuesday wasn't any different. My appointment wasn't until 4:00, so I had all day to freak out. The last hour before my appointment I cried a lot. I cried for so many different reasons. Because I was scared, happy, blessed, and anxious. As soon as we saw that little baby's heart beating all that worry went away.
We announced to Taylor that she was going to be a big sister when I crossed the 13 week mark, and it went over very well. She now refers to the baby as "my baby". She asks what the baby is doing in my tummy. She's excited to say the least..... but she really wants it to be a girl.... That's where things get tricky. She's okay with it being a boy, but it's obvious she wants a sister... doesn't every little girl want a sister?
This was the first appointment that we took Taylor to that she knew what was going on. It was the most amazing feeling in the world to observe Taylor as she watched the screen. "It's so cute" "That's my baby" "Awe, so cute" It seriously melted my heart to see her excitement, and to watch Jake's face light up. I will never ever forget that moment.
Entering the second trimester took a lot of the miscarriage worry and fear away. I'm letting go of the fear and worry more and more with every passing day, and allowing myself to enjoy this time. Unfortunately, infertility and loss has changed the pregnancy bliss for me. Of course, I'm still over the moon and excited. But, after struggling to get pregnant for over two years, and experiencing two losses, I will never ever be a normal pregnant person. But, that is okay. Yes, I worry more and I deal with some form of PTSD, as well as truly accepting that this IS happening. BUT.... after the struggle and things I've been through I'm also a lot more grateful. I'm more caring. Less self-centered. More grounded. I'm less concerned about how I physically look pregnant, and more concerned about enjoying my pregnancy to its max.
I am so extremely grateful. Grateful for the baby growing inside me. Grateful for my amazing husband. And grateful for my extremely supportive family and friends. I'm doing my best to live in the now. I'm getting over my hills. At this very moment, I couldn't be happier.
Anyways.... I'm currently 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm officially in the 2nd trimester, which feels AMAZING! On Tuesday, I had a checkup with the OB where we got to see baby. As of now, all is healthy, on track, and going as planned. It still feels like a dream that this is actually happening. Every day passed and every milestone hit still feels like a HUGE accomplishment.
Prior to every appointment, I have my pre-appointment anxiety attack where I really start to worry that we will see the worst. At this stage that is A) no heartbeat or B) delayed or no growth. Tuesday wasn't any different. My appointment wasn't until 4:00, so I had all day to freak out. The last hour before my appointment I cried a lot. I cried for so many different reasons. Because I was scared, happy, blessed, and anxious. As soon as we saw that little baby's heart beating all that worry went away.
We announced to Taylor that she was going to be a big sister when I crossed the 13 week mark, and it went over very well. She now refers to the baby as "my baby". She asks what the baby is doing in my tummy. She's excited to say the least..... but she really wants it to be a girl.... That's where things get tricky. She's okay with it being a boy, but it's obvious she wants a sister... doesn't every little girl want a sister?
This was the first appointment that we took Taylor to that she knew what was going on. It was the most amazing feeling in the world to observe Taylor as she watched the screen. "It's so cute" "That's my baby" "Awe, so cute" It seriously melted my heart to see her excitement, and to watch Jake's face light up. I will never ever forget that moment.
Entering the second trimester took a lot of the miscarriage worry and fear away. I'm letting go of the fear and worry more and more with every passing day, and allowing myself to enjoy this time. Unfortunately, infertility and loss has changed the pregnancy bliss for me. Of course, I'm still over the moon and excited. But, after struggling to get pregnant for over two years, and experiencing two losses, I will never ever be a normal pregnant person. But, that is okay. Yes, I worry more and I deal with some form of PTSD, as well as truly accepting that this IS happening. BUT.... after the struggle and things I've been through I'm also a lot more grateful. I'm more caring. Less self-centered. More grounded. I'm less concerned about how I physically look pregnant, and more concerned about enjoying my pregnancy to its max.
I am so extremely grateful. Grateful for the baby growing inside me. Grateful for my amazing husband. And grateful for my extremely supportive family and friends. I'm doing my best to live in the now. I'm getting over my hills. At this very moment, I couldn't be happier.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
For this child I have prayed
"Mommy, I want you to have a baby in your tummy. Can you try? Are you still trying? I want you to have a girl, and I want her name to be Sophia." - Taylor, 3.5years old, 10/21/2013
Yesterday was my second appointment with my new OB. I was 11weeks1day. I'm more than excited to say that everything, once again, went well and on track. The little bean was kicking and moving. We saw a strong heartbeat, legs, arms, and an obvious head. There has been so much change and growth since the last appointment. I'm in love. I'm in awe. I'm still in disbelief that this is really happening. Most the time it still feels like a dream. After 2 years of nothing but let downs, I became very used to accepting the bad news and planning for the next attempt to get me to this point. Now, here we are. Pregnant, and so close to being in the second trimester.
The worry and the fear fades with every passing day. It fades with every bout of nausea, and other pregnancy related symptoms. It faded tremendously after the appointment yesterday. Knowing that we've seen a strong healthy, progressing baby 4 times now is very reassuring. Again, I know I'm not in the clear yet, and in no way, shape, or form, do I feel worry free..... but I'm starting to enjoy this the way I should. The way I want to. We worked damn hard for this. Prayed a million times for this. Spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for this. Went through a lot of emotions, fights, crying, bitterness, and jealousy for this. I BETTER start enjoying it! We've told almost all of our close family and friends. Taylor still doesn't know. I don't really know what's holding us back now, as we said we would if yesterday went well, but neither of us are ready to tell her yet. She will know soon enough. We're just not ready. I'm still scared of breaking her heart if God forbid something went wrong now.
Yesterday, I cried. A lot. I cried because I was extremely happy and relieved after our appointment. I cried because I felt blessed. Because I felt freed from so much pain and sorrow that I've harbored for a very long time. I cried because our dreams are finally coming true.
Yesterday was my second appointment with my new OB. I was 11weeks1day. I'm more than excited to say that everything, once again, went well and on track. The little bean was kicking and moving. We saw a strong heartbeat, legs, arms, and an obvious head. There has been so much change and growth since the last appointment. I'm in love. I'm in awe. I'm still in disbelief that this is really happening. Most the time it still feels like a dream. After 2 years of nothing but let downs, I became very used to accepting the bad news and planning for the next attempt to get me to this point. Now, here we are. Pregnant, and so close to being in the second trimester.
The worry and the fear fades with every passing day. It fades with every bout of nausea, and other pregnancy related symptoms. It faded tremendously after the appointment yesterday. Knowing that we've seen a strong healthy, progressing baby 4 times now is very reassuring. Again, I know I'm not in the clear yet, and in no way, shape, or form, do I feel worry free..... but I'm starting to enjoy this the way I should. The way I want to. We worked damn hard for this. Prayed a million times for this. Spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for this. Went through a lot of emotions, fights, crying, bitterness, and jealousy for this. I BETTER start enjoying it! We've told almost all of our close family and friends. Taylor still doesn't know. I don't really know what's holding us back now, as we said we would if yesterday went well, but neither of us are ready to tell her yet. She will know soon enough. We're just not ready. I'm still scared of breaking her heart if God forbid something went wrong now.
Yesterday, I cried. A lot. I cried because I was extremely happy and relieved after our appointment. I cried because I felt blessed. Because I felt freed from so much pain and sorrow that I've harbored for a very long time. I cried because our dreams are finally coming true.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
How do you turn off the worry?
I've been a basket case of emotions lately. I know the pregnancy hormones are mostly to blame, but I've have these overwhelming fears and anxieties that I can't seem to kick. I hesitated to write about this, because I don't want to sound whiny, dramatic, or like I'm making something out of nothing. But, this is my blog for getting my feelings out. This is my journal that I chose to share with others so that I could maybe connect with others going through the same thing. And, I know that I'm not the first person to get pregnant to worry about miscarriage. I know I'm not the first infertile woman to worry that what I've worked so hard to obtain will be taken away from me. So, please bare with me as I get out my worries, and update on the good news.
I made the move from a very large group practice and an OB who I've been with and trust for over 4 years to a private practice who came highly recommended, and whom my RE has even worked with. I've had many issues with my old OB's office. Not him necessarily, but the office in general. A couple of events during my D&C as well as fighting with the office about a bill that they cannot contractually bill me or my insurance company, and I was ready for a switch. I had my first appointment with a brand new OBGYN last Monday, and all was great. He was great! It was supposed to just be a consult, but after viewing my chart he had his nurse move me to the u/s room so we could get a peek. He repeated many times that he understands how hard I've worked to get this baby and he would do everything in his power to keep the baby. He also explained that he was very u/s happy... score! The unexpected u/s made me super nervous and excited. I noticed that there wasn't a trans vaginal wand.... would he be able to detect the baby and hb at 9 weeks with a normal u/s??? If not, I might be a hot mess until the next apt?!?!?! Luckily, baby was easily found, moving around and heart beating at 169bpm. I couldn't have been happier. I left feeling so much better. So confident. My m/c rate was now 2%. I liked the OB a lot for many different reasons, so I'm glad I made the switch. And.....we even thought about telling Tay the good news today........
Then, I learned that an infertile friend who was due the same day as me lost her baby. They had seen a heartbeat multiple times, and when she went in at 9weeks, there was no heartbeat. Devastating. My biggest fear. To get the blessing of a pregnancy only to have it ripped away and be left empty. This left me mindfucked. Sad. Worried. This could have been me. This still could be me. And, it's so scary! This is one part of infertility where my gained knowledge does me no good. When I was pregnant with Tay, we told everybody after our blood test! Can you believe that?!? I didn't have a worry in the world. I knew m/c was possible, but I figured if I didn't bleed or cramp, I was good. This time is much different..... I'm not even worried about bleeding or cramping. I'm worried about a missed miscarriage. I'm worried about the baby dying without me knowing it.
Now, the positive side of me knows that the odds are on my side. I have a 2% change of miscarrying, which means I have a 98% chance of a continuing pregnancy. This is the furthest I've made it since conceiving Taylor, and as far as we know, I don't have any problems with later miscarriage. So, I SHOULD be good. I'm trying so very hard to turn the worry off, or at least tone it down. But, it's so hard to do. How do you stop worrying about losing something that you've worked so hard to get? Now, I know that miscarriage is usually nature's way of getting rid of the abnormalities, but that's usually only happens 1:4 pregnancies, so I should be good there. Right?
I made the HUGE mistake of checking the "birthboard" for May 2014 on Babycenter. Bad fucking idea! Right now there are many women who are expressing miscarriage concerns, or who are posting about having no heartbeats. I don't even know why I looked on that board. It's not like I needed help with anything! I was just bored and wanted to see what other people were going through. Never again!
I was supposed to have my very last appointment with Dr. B tomorrow (Friday). But, after having a long chat with him on the phone, he decided I didn't really need to come back in since I had already had an u/s at 9weeks with my OB. So, I graduated over the phone! It's bittersweet for sure. I will miss the care and attention I received there. But, graduating from and RE's office feels AMAZING! But now, I'm kind of kicking myself for not keeping the appointment. That would've given me one more u/s to check on the baby before I see my new OB again on 10/22. 12 days is going to seem like eternity! Even with a wedding to attend, a play date dinner, and a 2 night Vegas trip! I really would like to have that reassurance, but the logical side of me says it's a lot of time, money, driving, and planning for a u/s that I probably don't need. But the stressed out basket case part of me wants to call and see if I can come in Monday or Tuesday instead of Tomorrow, just for the peace of mind. But, it sure is a long drive....... Jake's idea was just to call my local OB, explain my concerns and see if I could come in for a u/s. Even if we have to pay OOP for it, it would still be cheaper and easier than driving to L.A.
All in all, things are good. Yes, I'm a worry wart, but I think that's expected with that I've been through. We have decided to hold off on telling Taylor until at least 11 weeks, despite that fact that she almost DAILY says something along the lines of "I want you to have a baby in your tummy, mommy." She's still very baby obsessed! She's 3.5.... she can't handle bad news and cope like we can. I want to protect her feelings, even if I can't protect my own. So, we wait. Plus, there will be PLENTY of time for her to know I'm pregnant if we make it to telling her. She will have PLENTY of time to ask "when's the baby going to come out" "why is it taking so long" "how does the baby come out"
Friends, if you're the praying type, I ask that you pray for me. For my sanity. That this little raspberry sized baby continues to grow and thrive, and that it's little heart keeps on beating. If you're not the praying type, then just send some positive vibes with way, would ya???
I made the move from a very large group practice and an OB who I've been with and trust for over 4 years to a private practice who came highly recommended, and whom my RE has even worked with. I've had many issues with my old OB's office. Not him necessarily, but the office in general. A couple of events during my D&C as well as fighting with the office about a bill that they cannot contractually bill me or my insurance company, and I was ready for a switch. I had my first appointment with a brand new OBGYN last Monday, and all was great. He was great! It was supposed to just be a consult, but after viewing my chart he had his nurse move me to the u/s room so we could get a peek. He repeated many times that he understands how hard I've worked to get this baby and he would do everything in his power to keep the baby. He also explained that he was very u/s happy... score! The unexpected u/s made me super nervous and excited. I noticed that there wasn't a trans vaginal wand.... would he be able to detect the baby and hb at 9 weeks with a normal u/s??? If not, I might be a hot mess until the next apt?!?!?! Luckily, baby was easily found, moving around and heart beating at 169bpm. I couldn't have been happier. I left feeling so much better. So confident. My m/c rate was now 2%. I liked the OB a lot for many different reasons, so I'm glad I made the switch. And.....we even thought about telling Tay the good news today........
Then, I learned that an infertile friend who was due the same day as me lost her baby. They had seen a heartbeat multiple times, and when she went in at 9weeks, there was no heartbeat. Devastating. My biggest fear. To get the blessing of a pregnancy only to have it ripped away and be left empty. This left me mindfucked. Sad. Worried. This could have been me. This still could be me. And, it's so scary! This is one part of infertility where my gained knowledge does me no good. When I was pregnant with Tay, we told everybody after our blood test! Can you believe that?!? I didn't have a worry in the world. I knew m/c was possible, but I figured if I didn't bleed or cramp, I was good. This time is much different..... I'm not even worried about bleeding or cramping. I'm worried about a missed miscarriage. I'm worried about the baby dying without me knowing it.
Now, the positive side of me knows that the odds are on my side. I have a 2% change of miscarrying, which means I have a 98% chance of a continuing pregnancy. This is the furthest I've made it since conceiving Taylor, and as far as we know, I don't have any problems with later miscarriage. So, I SHOULD be good. I'm trying so very hard to turn the worry off, or at least tone it down. But, it's so hard to do. How do you stop worrying about losing something that you've worked so hard to get? Now, I know that miscarriage is usually nature's way of getting rid of the abnormalities, but that's usually only happens 1:4 pregnancies, so I should be good there. Right?
I made the HUGE mistake of checking the "birthboard" for May 2014 on Babycenter. Bad fucking idea! Right now there are many women who are expressing miscarriage concerns, or who are posting about having no heartbeats. I don't even know why I looked on that board. It's not like I needed help with anything! I was just bored and wanted to see what other people were going through. Never again!
I was supposed to have my very last appointment with Dr. B tomorrow (Friday). But, after having a long chat with him on the phone, he decided I didn't really need to come back in since I had already had an u/s at 9weeks with my OB. So, I graduated over the phone! It's bittersweet for sure. I will miss the care and attention I received there. But, graduating from and RE's office feels AMAZING! But now, I'm kind of kicking myself for not keeping the appointment. That would've given me one more u/s to check on the baby before I see my new OB again on 10/22. 12 days is going to seem like eternity! Even with a wedding to attend, a play date dinner, and a 2 night Vegas trip! I really would like to have that reassurance, but the logical side of me says it's a lot of time, money, driving, and planning for a u/s that I probably don't need. But the stressed out basket case part of me wants to call and see if I can come in Monday or Tuesday instead of Tomorrow, just for the peace of mind. But, it sure is a long drive....... Jake's idea was just to call my local OB, explain my concerns and see if I could come in for a u/s. Even if we have to pay OOP for it, it would still be cheaper and easier than driving to L.A.
All in all, things are good. Yes, I'm a worry wart, but I think that's expected with that I've been through. We have decided to hold off on telling Taylor until at least 11 weeks, despite that fact that she almost DAILY says something along the lines of "I want you to have a baby in your tummy, mommy." She's still very baby obsessed! She's 3.5.... she can't handle bad news and cope like we can. I want to protect her feelings, even if I can't protect my own. So, we wait. Plus, there will be PLENTY of time for her to know I'm pregnant if we make it to telling her. She will have PLENTY of time to ask "when's the baby going to come out" "why is it taking so long" "how does the baby come out"
Friends, if you're the praying type, I ask that you pray for me. For my sanity. That this little raspberry sized baby continues to grow and thrive, and that it's little heart keeps on beating. If you're not the praying type, then just send some positive vibes with way, would ya???
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Our second little Miracle
Since the beginning of this blog, I've referred to our sweet little daughter as our miracle. Because she really is a miracle child. Isn't every child a miracle???? She came to us so easily. During all of our struggles to complete our family, we've been told time and time again by professionals and well-wisher's that she's a miracle. I thank God for her everyday. The morning before I left for our ultrasound, we were cuddled on the couch watching cartoons. I told God that I would be more than grateful for another blessing, but that if it wasn't in the cards, that I would eventually understand. And, that I had all I ever needed in this little blessing right in front of my eyes.
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| Her first day of Preschool <3
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Yesterday, my mom and I were blessed to see and HEAR a strong heartbeat of our second little miracle. The little kidney bean sized baby's heart was beating away at 150bpm and I couldn't have been happier. Everything is measuring right on track and looks just like it's supposed to. I mentioned my mom was there...... Yes, I brought my mommy with me to the u/s. Jake couldn't get the day off and I couldn't even fathom making that 2 hour drive home again if I received bad news. So, I called my mom and asked if she could come with me. Being that she is my closest supporter who really gets infertility, she has been by my side through this entire journey, and I LOVE and ADMIRE her for that. Luckily, instead of driving her devastated daughter home, she got to witness her soon to be grandchild's teeny tiny heartbeat. I'm so proud that I could give her that moment.
This ultrasound brought a lot of relief and took away a lot of the worry. I can finally say that I'm excited. We are not out of the woods yet, and we still have 5 more weeks to go before reaching the lovely second trimester. But, to hear a strong heartbeat, see appropriate growth, and hear my RE say that my chances of m/c are now 2%, I feel so much more confident.
As of now, we are pregnant! With our second little (rainbow) miracle. I feel so blessed and thankful! I have one more ultrasound and appointment with my RE a week from Friday (10/11). If all is good at that meeting, I will stop the progesterone and estrogen. I'll continue the baby aspirin through the first trimester. I made a consultation appointment with a new OBGYN for this Monday, and hope to get started with him as soon as I graduate from the RE.
This still feels surreal..... like I'm in a dream...... But, it's starting to become more and more real. But, I already know this pregnancy will be different. I will worry more. I'm no longer naïve and carefree. I will forever have the feelings of an infertile woman, and I will handle situations differently than in the past. But, that's okay. We are here now, and I will deal with it. Plus, there is an upside. I will be more grateful and thankful from the get go. I will be more compassionate and understanding to those who are struggling. I've grown a lot during this journey.
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