That damn unicorn in my uterus!

Part of me still feels like this is some sick dream that hasn't ended.  I'm in a very weird, vulnerable, woe is me, bad case of the why's, state of mind.  But, simultaneously, I feel like I'm handling this all pretty well and that I'm doing a pretty damn good job at staying strong for myself, my daughter, and my family.  But, let's be honest.  This fucking sucks.  How shitty is it to take birth control while actually trying to get pregnant, then give yourself oodles of shots, puts thousands upon thousands of miles on your car and spend time away from your beloved child..... hope, dream, pray........ Then, to find out your IVF attempt was successful.... to feel that gratitude, love, relief, thankfulness... to have morning sickness, sore boobs, bloating, and even the start of a baby bump and love every minute of it.... to end up bleeding two weeks later and be told everything will be just fine, this is totally normal..... to go in for an ultrasound BY YOURSELF hoping to see a heartbeat, just to find out the pregnancy isn't progressing and you would have to terminate it yourself.  Horrible. Miserable.  Honestly, I can't believe how many women have to go through this and are expected to just move on.  What a horrible thing to go through.

I keep trying to look at the positives, to move on, to think about today and not worry or feel sorrow for yesterday.  But, I'm totally not there yet.  I will be.  I will be okay, but I'm not yet. 

The thing that pisses me off about all of this is that I have absolutely NO control over any of it, and that is so so hard.  My RE is pretty sure that my unicornuate uterus is to blame for both the CP and this loss. I agree with him 100%  Therefore, there is absolutely nothing that either him nor I can do about it.  Yes, we can keep trying.  We can use the frozen embryos and attempt 1-2 FET cycles.  But nothing is guaranteed.  Yes, I carried a child to term before, but that just seems to become more and more of a blessing, a miracle, and rare case than support that I can do it again.  There is so little information on UU's.  So little that my RE seems stumped most the time... and he was referred as the best in SoCA for this.  Lame, huh?   I'm not knocking my RE at all, he's doing a damn good job, but UU's are just extremely rare.  Studies do show that miscarriage and chemical pregnancy rates are severely higher with UU.  Implantation rates seem to be lower.  Usually people get pregnant with ease (not the case this time, but it was with Taylor), but then suffer with failure to implant, miscarriage, or not carrying to term (aka stillborn or preemies).  The odds don't seem to be in my favor. 

All of this makes me appreciate my sweet miracle child more and more.  I hope one day I do get to deliver another child, OR I hope that I one day find the strength and courage to let go and move on.  I'm not there yet.  I long for another child still.  I'm not ready to give up.  But, maybe I should. I don't know.  I was lucky enough to carry a baby to 39w4d.  Maybe I shouldn't chance having more issues.  Maybe there is a reason that my body isn't letting me do this again.  Maybe it cannot handle it, and I am playing with fire trying to get it to do something it doesn't want to. I really don't know.