having to relive the heartache all over again

Bare with me... this is a long one.....

This week started off great. I've had this wonderful feeling of contentment about myself and my family of three.  I've felt more positive than I have in a very long time......Fast forward to today, as I lay in my bed and write this recovering from a D&C that I had no idea I needed......

Tuesday afternoon, I went in for my beta to make sure my hcg levels were lowering appropriately, hopefully approaching or already below 5. Around 2pm on Wednesday, I get the call from favorite nurse lady over at Fertility and Surgical Associates of CA that my levels are still extremely high and that Dr. B would like to talk to me. I was told that my levels were at 19,000 two weeks after taking the Misoprotol to end the pregnancy.  NOT GOOD!!!! Dr. B said that he has never seen levels this high this long after ending a pregnancy, when someone had as much bleeding as I did.  He said that the placenta tissue must still be rapidly growing, and the contents of pregnancy must still be present.  Huh?  What?  I thought I was all done with this???? I knew there was a high chance that my levels would still be higher (like 100-300) and I would have to wait it out, but I didn't think that immediate action would need to take place to avoid infection. 

The next 24 hours were full of frustration, anger, fear, sadness, and insane amount of cursing, and anxiety.  There were lots and lots of phone calls, being put on hold, explaining my story over and over again to person after person.  RE agreed to let me see my local OB (Dr. D) to figure out what the heck was going on.  My appt was set for 8:20a.m. on Wednesday morning.  Jake took the morning off to stay with Taylor while I dealt with all of this.  There was tons of waiting, tons of frustration, and more waiting.  The u/s scan revealed that the entire pregnancy was still intact (but lifeless).  I saw the fetal pole and sac again, but this time calcified.  The subchronic hemorrhage was gone, but everything else was there.  Fucking awesome....... It was extremely hard to see this again.  To have all the emotions come up again.  I felt such anger that this was still haunting me. 

After being at Dr. D's office from 8:00am-12:00, I was given two options.  Both RE and OB suggested that I again take the Misoprotol pills.  But this time 6 pills, instead of 4, over the course of 18 hours and let the failed pregnancy take care of itself.  BUT...... if it didn't take care of itself, I would need to go straight to the Emergency Room.  I had a huge issue with this option for multiple reasons.  First, I already did the drugs..... thought they worked, as I passed clots, tissue, and even a hard mass that I THOUGHT was the fetus.  Second, If they didn't work the first time, why try again?  The way things are going I will be the one that has to go to the ER.  Lastly, I was strong and opted for pills instead of a D&C the first go round.  This time, I didn't want to go through that again. I want it gone and over with (hopefully) so I can move on with my life.  I was seriously pissed off that both RE and OB would even push for the pills over the D&C.  Why?  I became my own advocate and demanded a D&C first thing Thursday morning.  I said if OB couldn't do it, then I would just go to the ER myself and have it done (mind you, I'm not really sure if that is even a possibility, but the threat worked). My D&C was scheduled for 7:0 Thu0rsday morning.  I went to lunch with Jake and Taylor, where I ate my feelings away with a large draft Blue Moon (at noon, ya I'm bad), 3/4 of a multi grain, thin crust margharita pizza, and a roasted beet & goat cheese salad.  Ya, my lunch was like 1,000 calories in itself.  Barf.  After lunch, I returned to the hospital to register for my lovely surgery and get poked some more for yet more blood work.  I finally headed home around 1:30.

Jake ended up having to take the entire day off, cancel his scheduled double, and take all day Thursday off as well.  He didn't care one bit.  But it did.  I feel guilty having him stay home from work.  If he's not working, we're not making money.  We will survive, but it's just one added thing I feel guilty about and stress over. 

The surgery went off without a catch, even though I was considered high risk for two reasons: my blood pressure was very low, and my unicornuate uterus makes me high risk for all female surgeries and procedures.  I woke up from the surgery feeling very sad.  Extremely sad.  I was pregnant and I'm not anymore.  I thought this was over already.  I had to go through it again. I cannot put myself, Jake, Taylor, or my parents through this again anytime soon.  Therefore, I will not be undergoing medical treatments to get pregnant again anytime soon.  Now that I am home, physically and mentally, I'm feeling much better.  I feel "cleaned out" and I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can continue to move on. 

If you haven't heard "after the storm" by Mumford and Sons, I highly suggest you listen.  It's my "theme" song per say 

The emotions, physical and mental damage, monetary strain, guilt, stress, etc etc this IVF, failed pregnancy, and entire process has changed me. Most bad, but some good.  I'm so glad we went through with the IVF process.  It was that last step and closure that I so desperately needed. It did work, but my body rejected the pregnancy for whatever reason.  I cannot put anybody through that again.  As much as we try to hide it from Taylor, this has affected her tremendously, and that is not okay with us.  Her reactions to things like me going to the doctor "AGAIN", and "Mommy having more boo boos" in not okay.  Watching her little heart broken self cry in the car seat because she is scared her Mommy isn't okay is absolutely not okay with me.   Last night Jake said "I just don't think it's going to work, babe..... at least not right now," and as much as it hurt to hear, he is 100% right.  We gave it our all.  We've tired our little hearts out to grow our family.  It's just not in the cards...... right now.  Maybe my body will accept a pregnancy a year from now?  But, it clearly doesn't like the idea right now.  And, that's okay with me.  I am not about to put myself at risk to go through all of this again.  Trying to have a baby is supposed to be enjoyable and magical.  It is anything but that right now.

The u/s tech innocently asked "you're not going to give up trying, are you?" .... Give up?  No, we're not giving up.  We' re not preventing.  But, there comes a time when you just have to let go.  There comes a time when you have to weigh the pros and cons.  There comes a time when you have to stop doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome.  That time has come.  And, honestly, it feels pretty good.