Playing with fire

Do you ever feel like you're playing with fire?

 

Does it ever seem as if as soon as you do make progress when playing with fire, the results are less than stellar? 

 

Ever seem like you want something to work so bad, yet it doesn't.... But you keep trying, only to feel like you are forcing something that isn't meant to be?

 

Or at least not meant to be at the time you wanted it?  Or the way in which you planned it?

 

After 5 medicated iuis, resulting in one chemical pregnancy, and one  IVF resulting in a miscarriage, and 2 years of perfectly timed "baby dancing," I feel like I'm playing with fire every time we make the decision to move forward with the next medical step.  It feels as if I'm using means to try to force something that doesn't want to be.  Maybe isn't meant to be.  Maybe it just can't be?

 

We all know that it can easily take the average Jack and Jill up to six months to get pregnant, but years? With help? With not missing one chance to have perfectly planned baby-making sex? That just doesn't seem right.  In fact, it isn't right...

 

Do any of you proceed with treatments, tests, herbs, or whatever to try to get pregnant, even though you have this inner feeling that just doesn't feel right?  Yet, you move forward anyways because it ups your chances of bringing home a baby by a few percent?

 

Does anybody else fear that once they do get pregnant, they will just continue to have issues whether it's miscarriage, high risk pregnancy, still birth, or premature birth and complications?

 

Do you ever wonder if the fear will ever end?

 

I've never felt 100% comfortable with medical treatments.  The  IUI's themselves don't bother me, but all the drugs I've pumped into my body to try for a baby, and got nothing in return...... those scare me. They've made me crazy.  They've made me break out.  They've made me sweat at night.  They've made me gain weight.  But, they've also made me pregnant.  Twice.  Two more times than I did naturally.   So, it's a love hate relationship. 

 

I think my struggle with fully accepting the medical intervention it twofold.  First, I did this on my own once completely natural.  So, why do I need help now? Second, I'm thrown into the category of "unexplained secondary infertility", although I'm not a classic case because I do have a unicornuate uterus and thin lining, those things shouldn't and haven't kept me from conceiving and carrying a single baby to term before.  When a woman isn't ovulating, or a man has low sperm count, or a woman has PCOS, I get how medical intervention and drugs can be of service.  I am so thankful that we have these things for these issues.  But, for people like me, what do we do when we've tried everything and it didn't work?

 

Keep trying the same things over and over?

 

Give up trying and hope for the best?

 

This is where I'm lost today. We will be using our frozen cycles.  The plan is one in the early summer and one in the late fall/early winter (if needed, of course).  But, am I playing with fire??? Is my body trying to tell me time and time again it's not doing this pregnancy thing, and I keep forcing it to and it rejects it because it can't handle it?  Is Mother Nature trying to tell me our family is complete?  Is God giving me a sign that I need to stop forcing what isn't meant to be, and that we will be a family of three?

 

Or, do I keep fighting and try to believe that I just have some really bad luck?  Do I believe that the chemical AND miscarriage were both Mother Nature's way of weeding out bad embryos?  Do I believe that my body is ready, and we will be a family of 4 if I keep trying,  and spending $, and using medical interventions to complete our family?

 

I'm so insanely scared that this whole thing will happen again: Transfer embryo, positive beta, pregnancy, non-viable pregnancy, miscarriage, D&C, mourning a loss.  If it does happen again next time, we will not move forward with another FET. At least that's our plan for now.  But, what if it doesn't happen again?  What if it works and we just need to take the leap and try it?

 

I feel like with each month of this journey of secondary infertility, I become more and more conflicted.  Do we keep trying?  Or do we stop and accept and embrace what we have? The older Taylor gets, the harder it gets to imagine going back to baby mode.  The harder it gets to imagine adding another child into our family because I'm afraid of how it will affect Taylor. Yes, we want more than anything to give her a sibling.  A playmate.  Someone to turn to as an adult.  But, she has been an only child for 3 years now.  She will be any only child for at least another year, and I don't know how old we want to allow her to get before we stop trying.  We wouldn't want her to be too old to where another child hurts her or hinders her relationship with us.  But, how old is too old????   She is still young, but that gap is getting bigger every month.  Initially, Jake and I said we would ATTC for a year.  We are far beyond that.