Playing with fire

Do you ever feel like you're playing with fire?

 

Does it ever seem as if as soon as you do make progress when playing with fire, the results are less than stellar? 

 

Ever seem like you want something to work so bad, yet it doesn't.... But you keep trying, only to feel like you are forcing something that isn't meant to be?

 

Or at least not meant to be at the time you wanted it?  Or the way in which you planned it?

 

After 5 medicated iuis, resulting in one chemical pregnancy, and one  IVF resulting in a miscarriage, and 2 years of perfectly timed "baby dancing," I feel like I'm playing with fire every time we make the decision to move forward with the next medical step.  It feels as if I'm using means to try to force something that doesn't want to be.  Maybe isn't meant to be.  Maybe it just can't be?

 

We all know that it can easily take the average Jack and Jill up to six months to get pregnant, but years? With help? With not missing one chance to have perfectly planned baby-making sex? That just doesn't seem right.  In fact, it isn't right...

 

Do any of you proceed with treatments, tests, herbs, or whatever to try to get pregnant, even though you have this inner feeling that just doesn't feel right?  Yet, you move forward anyways because it ups your chances of bringing home a baby by a few percent?

 

Does anybody else fear that once they do get pregnant, they will just continue to have issues whether it's miscarriage, high risk pregnancy, still birth, or premature birth and complications?

 

Do you ever wonder if the fear will ever end?

 

I've never felt 100% comfortable with medical treatments.  The  IUI's themselves don't bother me, but all the drugs I've pumped into my body to try for a baby, and got nothing in return...... those scare me. They've made me crazy.  They've made me break out.  They've made me sweat at night.  They've made me gain weight.  But, they've also made me pregnant.  Twice.  Two more times than I did naturally.   So, it's a love hate relationship. 

 

I think my struggle with fully accepting the medical intervention it twofold.  First, I did this on my own once completely natural.  So, why do I need help now? Second, I'm thrown into the category of "unexplained secondary infertility", although I'm not a classic case because I do have a unicornuate uterus and thin lining, those things shouldn't and haven't kept me from conceiving and carrying a single baby to term before.  When a woman isn't ovulating, or a man has low sperm count, or a woman has PCOS, I get how medical intervention and drugs can be of service.  I am so thankful that we have these things for these issues.  But, for people like me, what do we do when we've tried everything and it didn't work?

 

Keep trying the same things over and over?

 

Give up trying and hope for the best?

 

This is where I'm lost today. We will be using our frozen cycles.  The plan is one in the early summer and one in the late fall/early winter (if needed, of course).  But, am I playing with fire??? Is my body trying to tell me time and time again it's not doing this pregnancy thing, and I keep forcing it to and it rejects it because it can't handle it?  Is Mother Nature trying to tell me our family is complete?  Is God giving me a sign that I need to stop forcing what isn't meant to be, and that we will be a family of three?

 

Or, do I keep fighting and try to believe that I just have some really bad luck?  Do I believe that the chemical AND miscarriage were both Mother Nature's way of weeding out bad embryos?  Do I believe that my body is ready, and we will be a family of 4 if I keep trying,  and spending $, and using medical interventions to complete our family?

 

I'm so insanely scared that this whole thing will happen again: Transfer embryo, positive beta, pregnancy, non-viable pregnancy, miscarriage, D&C, mourning a loss.  If it does happen again next time, we will not move forward with another FET. At least that's our plan for now.  But, what if it doesn't happen again?  What if it works and we just need to take the leap and try it?

 

I feel like with each month of this journey of secondary infertility, I become more and more conflicted.  Do we keep trying?  Or do we stop and accept and embrace what we have? The older Taylor gets, the harder it gets to imagine going back to baby mode.  The harder it gets to imagine adding another child into our family because I'm afraid of how it will affect Taylor. Yes, we want more than anything to give her a sibling.  A playmate.  Someone to turn to as an adult.  But, she has been an only child for 3 years now.  She will be any only child for at least another year, and I don't know how old we want to allow her to get before we stop trying.  We wouldn't want her to be too old to where another child hurts her or hinders her relationship with us.  But, how old is too old????   She is still young, but that gap is getting bigger every month.  Initially, Jake and I said we would ATTC for a year.  We are far beyond that. 

 

 



 

 

 



She turns 3

Yesterday was my daughter's 3rd birthday.  It's hard to believe that 3 years have already flown by since giving birth.  It's amazing to see the transformations that are taking place as she grows, learns, and becomes her own little person.  I love her more and more each and every day, and am so amazingly thankful to have her in my life. 

Her birthday party was on Sunday evening with family and a few friends.  Then, we had a girl's day yesterday on her actual birthday.  We went to the mall, rode the choo choo train and other rides, played on the elevator in JCPenny's, had FroYo for lunch, bought new jammies, and just enjoyed the day. We then had one last piece of birthday cake after dinner and let her open her presents from Mommy and Daddy. 

It was so fun to watch her enjoy it all.  And, after having all the emotional issues I've been dealing with, it was really nice to just enjoy my daughter.  To know that at least we have her and she will be enough.  She completes our family.  We would still love more than nothing in the world to have another, but we feel complete.... at this moment.  

party outfit

she asked for a pink cake with sprinkles :)

party friends

princess dinner

yummy food: trip tip sandwiches, homemade yogurt broccoli salad, fresh fruit, and grilled bell peppers

her favorite gift so far: Snow White dress off of Etsy

Birthday Cake!

Feeding her little friend.  This picture makes me so happy and sad at the same time.  Happy because that baby is a surrogate baby and such a blessing.  Sad because Taylor would be an amazing big sister. 

waiting for her birthday breakfast: spinkles donut and fruit

she was so happy that I acutally let her have a donut for breakfast :)

birthday dinner: mac n cheese, chicken, and fruit

opening a new puzzle from Mommy and Daddy

Cinderella movie!!!!

Disneyland 2013

Jake, Taylor, and I left for a 4 day mini vaca to Anaheim, CA on Saturday.  Luckily, Saturday was a driving day and relaxing day. We initially planned on spending some time at Downtown Disney, but to help me recover for Sunday and Monday, we just chilled at the campground. My mom and Jake's mom were both there Saturday and Sunday, so I had plenty of help with Taylor. And she had plenty of people to play with her.

heated swimming pool and spa. Fun times at the RV park :)



 Disneyland was a blast. Taylor loved each and every minute of it. She is princess obsessed, so she was in Heaven meeting the princesses and having a special Birthday lunch at Ariel's Grotto. I was worried about the price we paid to have lunch with the princesses, but her joy was well worth it.  And, the food was actually really good. It was set up like a high tea meal.  First, we had a 3 tier appetizer tray, then our main course, and lastly a dessert platter. Also, since she was under three still, we didn't have to pay for Taylor's meal, and she still got a 1/2 serving off the kid's menu for free!   Taylor was overjoyed with this special treatment and Ariel's Grotto.  She told us this is the "best birthday lunch ever!!!"

"curtsy"

She said Aurora is her favorite

 

She was so excited for the princesses to get to our table

 



 I took it easy while walking around the parks, using the stroller as a walker lol. We took lots of breaks, and I sat down a lot.  Jake and our moms helped out a lot on Sunday. By Monday, I started to feel better, but we continued to take it very easy.  Monday it was just our little family of three, as both of our moms needed to return to work. It was quite pleasant, just walking around and exploring, just the three of us. I would rather the circumstances had been different.  I would rather have had an almost one year old with us, or at least still be 10 weeks pregnant, or at the very least, not still be haunted by this miscarriage.  But, even though, I wished things were different, I loved every minute spent at the happiest place on Earth with my best friend and my wonderful, thankful, polite, and happy little girl. 

Well, I didn't love every minute, that's a bit of an overstatement. I did have a couple break downs. I cried once at Disneyland. I just got overwhelmed with emotions and couldn't hold it in any longer. I cried again Monday night when we got back to the trailer. I was in pain, and I was just again mourning and dealing with emotions. But, most of the time we were all happy, and I'm glad we decided to go on the trip even though the timing wasn't ideal.

Waiting for the "school bus"

She had 4 different outfits.  Two each day... one for the morning half, one for the evening :)

 



The aftermath of DnC

My last blog entry was written the day of my D&C, last Thursday.... The rest of that day, I felt pretty good.  I was just sore and felt like my insides had been stripped out (rightfully so).  Friday, was the worst day.  Contractions galore!!!!! Starting around 2pm and lasting throughout the night into the following morning, I experienced contractions that were 6-10 minutes apart and just as painful if not more painful than when I had Taylor.  I think they seemed more painful because of the mental part of it all.  Contractions with Taylor meant I was going to give birth to a beautiful baby.  Contractions after a D&C are just another horrid reminder of the Hell I am living in.  Anywho, I Googled until I was blue in the face if this pain was normal, I called my OB's office, and I asked friends who had a D&C or knew somebody that did if they experienced this pain.  Aside from a few rare people, everybody seemed to say that they just felt dull pain, and usually didn't need the prescription pain killers.  NOT ME!  I had to keep right on top of the vicodin, and OTC anti-inflammatory/pain killers. Even with those, I was in a lot of pain.  The OB's office said it was normal to experience contractions, and as long as the pain didn't worsen or I wasn't bleeding profusely, and didn't have a fever, that I just had to tough it out.... and that I, again, was a rare case. Lovely.

I debated going to the ER room, but decided to tough it out.  It's weird because I have a very high pain tolerance.  And, whenever I've had to take vicodin before, I didn't feel any pain while doped up.  My c-section was by far inferior to this. I just wasn't sure where to draw the line.  I didn't want to stay home and tough it out if something was wrong, but I stayed home.  I've been Vicodin and Xanax free since Sunday evening.  I can still feel the cramping and contractions, but it's more like a normal menstrual period now, and I can tolerate it. I'm still passing a significant amount of tissue, hence the contractions.  But.... the bloating and the weight gain.  OMG.  Again, let's add insult to injury here.  My poor tummy is so swollen and bloated that I cannot comfortably button my fat pants.  I'm living in yoga pants and shirts that hide my belly.  I'm seriously afraid people are going to mistake my swollen tummy for a baby bump.... it really looks like one.  And, I've gained 6 pounds in 6 days.  Yay me :( I know some of it is bloat weight.  Some it of it is definitely from emotional eating and lack of sticking to any type of caloric goal while we went on our mini vacation.....

Oh ya, did I mention that the Saturday after my D&C we left for a 4 day vacation to Anaheim, CA where we spent two days as The Happiest Place on Earth???? I will talk more about that in my next entry.... 

I'm just dealing with a lot of self image and body issues.  I look pregnant.  I feel fat.  I've gained weight. I can't fit into my clothes.  And, I will have nothing but doctor's bills to show for it all. 

A father's love





I love my dad.  And, I was lucky enough to marry a man just like my dad.  They are both extremely hard working, self driven, unbelievably talented, love their wives and daughter's more than life itself.  They are giving, strong, firm, loving, and everything that I love in a father figure.  I am forever grateful for my father and my husband. 

What sparked this post was my father's love, support, and concern through our trials and tribulations of trying to give him another grandchild.  You see, my dad isn't the most open, outspoken, conversational person.  He shows his love in other ways.  His phone calls to check on me are always less than a minute long.  He asks how I'm doing, tells me he loves me, and to take care of myself and that's it. But, they are often, and I know how much he loves me.  His visits are short and quick, but often.  But, I know he cares.  I know deep down he is very loving and extremely compassionate.  I know this because he tells my mother.  I know this because I can see it in his eyes.  I can feel it when he hugs me.  I can see it when he looks and his granddaughter.

My parents struggled with secondary infertility, but didn't know there was a term for it at the time.  Surprisingly, their story pretty much parallels ours, and I can't help but assume there is some sort of hereditary tie to all of this.  Probably not, but it's quite interesting.  My parent's conceived me after 3 months of trying, just like us.  At the time, they thought they wanted three children, all 2 years apart.  Like us, they thought you could just plan these things out :).  When I was a little over one, they started trying again.  After no success at all, and way too many emotions, they decided to stop TTC, and just let it happen.  They decided they already had me, and that could be enough.  A little over 3 years later, they were blessed with my sister.  We are 4.5 years apart.  My dad then decided that they would not even try for another.  That this was enough.  That they were complete, and my mom happily agreed.

Ever since we began the IVF process, my dad has been "all up in my business", which for him, means calling more.... asking if I'm alright every other day, and taking us out to dinner often.  I love his subtle, manly like ways of showing concern.  I mentioned to my mom as were riding horses one day, that Dad seemed to be concerned about all of this.  She relayed that my dad has been so concerned, emotional, and feeling helpless about our situation.  He went through this himself.  He watched his wife go through it.  And now, he is watching is daughter go through it.  He felt helpless with his wife, and now feels even more helpless with his daughter.  It broke my heart to hear this, yet was so oddly comforting to hear at the same time.  To know that I have a father who is so supportive and emotionally invested in his daughters trials and tribulations.  

A father's love is an amazing thing.  I will be forever my daddy's princess, and he will be my first love.   Just like Taylor will forever be Jake's princess, and Jake will always be Taylor's first love. 



having to relive the heartache all over again

Bare with me... this is a long one.....

This week started off great. I've had this wonderful feeling of contentment about myself and my family of three.  I've felt more positive than I have in a very long time......Fast forward to today, as I lay in my bed and write this recovering from a D&C that I had no idea I needed......

Tuesday afternoon, I went in for my beta to make sure my hcg levels were lowering appropriately, hopefully approaching or already below 5. Around 2pm on Wednesday, I get the call from favorite nurse lady over at Fertility and Surgical Associates of CA that my levels are still extremely high and that Dr. B would like to talk to me. I was told that my levels were at 19,000 two weeks after taking the Misoprotol to end the pregnancy.  NOT GOOD!!!! Dr. B said that he has never seen levels this high this long after ending a pregnancy, when someone had as much bleeding as I did.  He said that the placenta tissue must still be rapidly growing, and the contents of pregnancy must still be present.  Huh?  What?  I thought I was all done with this???? I knew there was a high chance that my levels would still be higher (like 100-300) and I would have to wait it out, but I didn't think that immediate action would need to take place to avoid infection. 

The next 24 hours were full of frustration, anger, fear, sadness, and insane amount of cursing, and anxiety.  There were lots and lots of phone calls, being put on hold, explaining my story over and over again to person after person.  RE agreed to let me see my local OB (Dr. D) to figure out what the heck was going on.  My appt was set for 8:20a.m. on Wednesday morning.  Jake took the morning off to stay with Taylor while I dealt with all of this.  There was tons of waiting, tons of frustration, and more waiting.  The u/s scan revealed that the entire pregnancy was still intact (but lifeless).  I saw the fetal pole and sac again, but this time calcified.  The subchronic hemorrhage was gone, but everything else was there.  Fucking awesome....... It was extremely hard to see this again.  To have all the emotions come up again.  I felt such anger that this was still haunting me. 

After being at Dr. D's office from 8:00am-12:00, I was given two options.  Both RE and OB suggested that I again take the Misoprotol pills.  But this time 6 pills, instead of 4, over the course of 18 hours and let the failed pregnancy take care of itself.  BUT...... if it didn't take care of itself, I would need to go straight to the Emergency Room.  I had a huge issue with this option for multiple reasons.  First, I already did the drugs..... thought they worked, as I passed clots, tissue, and even a hard mass that I THOUGHT was the fetus.  Second, If they didn't work the first time, why try again?  The way things are going I will be the one that has to go to the ER.  Lastly, I was strong and opted for pills instead of a D&C the first go round.  This time, I didn't want to go through that again. I want it gone and over with (hopefully) so I can move on with my life.  I was seriously pissed off that both RE and OB would even push for the pills over the D&C.  Why?  I became my own advocate and demanded a D&C first thing Thursday morning.  I said if OB couldn't do it, then I would just go to the ER myself and have it done (mind you, I'm not really sure if that is even a possibility, but the threat worked). My D&C was scheduled for 7:0 Thu0rsday morning.  I went to lunch with Jake and Taylor, where I ate my feelings away with a large draft Blue Moon (at noon, ya I'm bad), 3/4 of a multi grain, thin crust margharita pizza, and a roasted beet & goat cheese salad.  Ya, my lunch was like 1,000 calories in itself.  Barf.  After lunch, I returned to the hospital to register for my lovely surgery and get poked some more for yet more blood work.  I finally headed home around 1:30.

Jake ended up having to take the entire day off, cancel his scheduled double, and take all day Thursday off as well.  He didn't care one bit.  But it did.  I feel guilty having him stay home from work.  If he's not working, we're not making money.  We will survive, but it's just one added thing I feel guilty about and stress over. 

The surgery went off without a catch, even though I was considered high risk for two reasons: my blood pressure was very low, and my unicornuate uterus makes me high risk for all female surgeries and procedures.  I woke up from the surgery feeling very sad.  Extremely sad.  I was pregnant and I'm not anymore.  I thought this was over already.  I had to go through it again. I cannot put myself, Jake, Taylor, or my parents through this again anytime soon.  Therefore, I will not be undergoing medical treatments to get pregnant again anytime soon.  Now that I am home, physically and mentally, I'm feeling much better.  I feel "cleaned out" and I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can continue to move on. 

If you haven't heard "after the storm" by Mumford and Sons, I highly suggest you listen.  It's my "theme" song per say 

The emotions, physical and mental damage, monetary strain, guilt, stress, etc etc this IVF, failed pregnancy, and entire process has changed me. Most bad, but some good.  I'm so glad we went through with the IVF process.  It was that last step and closure that I so desperately needed. It did work, but my body rejected the pregnancy for whatever reason.  I cannot put anybody through that again.  As much as we try to hide it from Taylor, this has affected her tremendously, and that is not okay with us.  Her reactions to things like me going to the doctor "AGAIN", and "Mommy having more boo boos" in not okay.  Watching her little heart broken self cry in the car seat because she is scared her Mommy isn't okay is absolutely not okay with me.   Last night Jake said "I just don't think it's going to work, babe..... at least not right now," and as much as it hurt to hear, he is 100% right.  We gave it our all.  We've tired our little hearts out to grow our family.  It's just not in the cards...... right now.  Maybe my body will accept a pregnancy a year from now?  But, it clearly doesn't like the idea right now.  And, that's okay with me.  I am not about to put myself at risk to go through all of this again.  Trying to have a baby is supposed to be enjoyable and magical.  It is anything but that right now.

The u/s tech innocently asked "you're not going to give up trying, are you?" .... Give up?  No, we're not giving up.  We' re not preventing.  But, there comes a time when you just have to let go.  There comes a time when you have to weigh the pros and cons.  There comes a time when you have to stop doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome.  That time has come.  And, honestly, it feels pretty good. 



Being Content

In my quest to move on and refocus my attention on what I do have, I've been reading many articles about the positives to only children.  Instead of googling FET outcomes, protocols, and costs, I'm instead letting that go for now and googling all things "only child" related.  When I typed "only child due to secondary infertility" into the search bar, this article came up by Rachel Fayga, and I couldn't believe how much of it could've been taken straight from my brain.  It was crazy to read somebody's  thoughts and find it so easy to relate to. 

"I  decided to be that voice. I know how much more difficult this road can be when you travel it alone; feeling like God is punishing you, feeling like everyone is looking at you and wondering why you are waiting so long. Hearing comments like “Don’t wait too long to give her a sibling otherwise she’ll be spoiled.” I know it’s not meant to hurt, but it does. A lot.
I started on this journey.... a few months after my daughter turned two(it was 1.5 for us); ... Getting pregnant with her was pretty easy. I had an amazingly easy pregnancy and a really quick labor. I thought it would take no time to get pregnant again.........
I was angry at my friends who told me they were expecting their second after only a couple months. I was angry at my sister-in-law who told me she was expecting her fourth(second for us, but children only 20 months apart), and then my other sister-in-law made her pregnancy announcement not too long after that.....
I’m done playing the blame game; I’m done being angry at God and feeling like I’m being tormented or condemned to eternal suffering. I’m done ruining my life and my marriage with my anger, jealousy, and negativity. I don’t have any more energy for it. I’m done crying every night,now I only cry once or twice a month. I’m done being ashamed and embarrassed of my condition. I’m done feeling alone and isolated. I’m done trying to avoid those “so when are you guys going to have another one?” questions.
I want my life back. I want to enjoy the two beautiful gifts God has already handed to me on a silver platter and said “Here, have an amazing life!” The gifts I have not paid attention to for the past years because I’ve been too busy being miserable. They are my sweet, kind, sensitive, brilliant husband and my beautiful, incredible, amazing, daughter......" Taken from Secondary Infertility by Rachel Fayga @ http://www.aish.com/f/hotm/103422779.html

I'm finally getting to that point where I'm just over it. I'm over putting so much time and effort into trying to have another child, when my body, God, Mother Nature or whoever clearly has other plans.  I'm exhausted, defeated, and ready to move on.  I have an amazing husband and a wonderful daughter.  I want to enjoy each and every moment of what is happening right now.  I want to live in the moment and not worry about the future.  Does that mean we are giving up and going to stop TTC?? Absolutely not.  I will still be doing 1-2 FETs.... one sooner and one in the fall or later, if necessary.  But, I'm going to do my very best to just live one day at a time.  Enjoy my wonderful life that I have, and gear up for the FET when the day comes.  On unmedicated months, we will do our best to make use of our "fertile window", but it will be an estimate.  No OPKs, no tracking, no checking cervical mucous.  NO MORE!  I'm done.  If our family is done, it's done.  I cannot change that, and that is okay.  Things aren't working out just as we planned but it is perfect the way it is.  There is no use worrying over it. I obviously have no power to change the outcome, so why waist every ounce of energy thinking about it, planning it, spending money over it???

It's time to just be content with my life.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with contentment.  Yes, it's great to strive to achieve your goals, to be a hard worker, and to make your dreams happen.  But, at the same time, contentment can be a wonderful feeling.  I want to feel content, and I'm getting closer every day.  I admire people who are just content with the way things are.  My sister is content with having little money, but living off the land and leaving as small a footprint on this world as possible.  My sister-in-law is content with her life, as crazy and hectic as it may be.  My grandma is the most content, happy, loving, beautiful, inspiring person I've ever met.  I want that, and I'm working on it, and it feels so good.