Updates and vacations

It's been awhile since I posted.  I've been extremely busy with all things that scream summertime fun.  We've been hosting and attending many BBQ's, spending time with the grandma's since they are on summer break from school, and taking advantage of me NOT having to schedule around weekly RE appts.  It's been nice to have a break and to spend time with friends and family.  Nice and exhausting all at once.  Packing and unpacking for day trips or week long trips is always well worth the adventure, but after awhile, I just need to slow down, and spend some time at home.

 I've been pretty good emotionally.  I'm coming to terms with Taylor being our only, and working on acceptance.  The let down after a BFN FET was far less emotional and draining than a fresh cycle IVF miscarriage.   Yes, we were sad, but it is what it is.

I had a play date with one of my pregnant friends that went very well.  I was proud of myself for leaving that play date not feeling jealousy, envy, or bitter.  I was super happy for a change.  On that note, I've noticed that my jealousy and bitterness towards pregnant women has become extremely particular.  I'm not jealous of women who are pregnant with their first, no matter the circumstance.  Yes, I still envy their bumps, but I don't have those obnoxious bitter Betty feelings.  My jealousy and bitterness is aimed at those women who are pregnant with #2.  Further more, those whose #1 with around the age of my DD, and even further more those who get a BFP with #2 by sneezing.  There are a few women that are the exception to this rule.  So, I'm happy that I'm growing out of the "I despise every pregnant women in the world" phase, maybe soon, I will be less bothered by any pregnancies around me???? We shall see.

Also, I've noticed that I'm becoming a professional baby bump spotter.  I swear, it's like a sick game for me.  Whenever we're out in public, I'm constantly noticing big pregnant bellies (of course), but I'm also always guessing if someone is barely pregnant when I can see a small, rounded bump.  I know that sometimes I'm probably wrong, and, like me they might have just ate a cheeseburger and fries and just have a "food baby".  But, I think I'm getting pretty darn good at spotting those little baby bumps.  Guess it comes with the infertility, envious territory. 

We just got home from Pismo Beach, Ca today.  Every year since I was in Jr. High I have gone to Pismo with my parents for a week.  Now, Taylor and I join my parents for the whole week, and Jake makes it for the second 1/2 of the week.  I feel extremely blessed that he stays home and urges us to go and enjoy ourselves while he busts out a couple more work days in 100 degree weather.  He is pretty awesome, I must say.  Overall, the weekend was awesome.  We spent plenty of time on the beach building sandcastles and walking along the shore.  But...... I overindulged.... A LOT.  The morning we left, I weighed 138.  Today, after overindulging all week, drinking lots of wine last night, and eating too much at a birthday party today, I stupidly stepped on the scale to weigh in at 148!!!!!! 10 freaking lbs in 7 days!!!!! I'm disgusted with myself.  Now, I know that tomorrow morning it will already be down a couple lbs, but not even close to my ideal weight of 138-140.  UGH.   And, I even logged 16miles of jogging and did some core workouts, too.  But, that's all part of vacation.  Now, it's back to clean eating, and hitting it hard at the gym.

Watching my first polo match in Santa Monica

 Will Rogers estate in Santa Monica

Inspiration Loop

Trying to keep up with the hubs

Taylor and her cousin, Melody.  My sister and my niece came down for a few days from Oregon.  The girls had a blast together.

running through the sprinklers.  To be a kid again......

My niece, Melody

Pismo Beach Pier

 



Just adorable

our sandcastle city

Papa buried us

Zorro's Café in Shell Beach. 

Bee exhibit at San Luis Obispo Children's Museum

This is me. I love this picture because this was such a good evening.  Good friends, beer, and pure bliss. 

I <3 him

tide pool fun

 

 

Taylor and my mom.  They adore one another.

This is an blog about infertility & NOT my life as a whole

My blog is my outlet for all things infertility related.  My blog is by no means a picture of who I am as a whole.  My blog is extremely specific to one small, struggle of my life.  Yes, I do have a few small posts about my beautiful daughter, my loving husband, and my awesome family and friends.  But, mainly, I use this blog to vent.  It's my therapy.  In fact, this blog was started when seeing a counselor strictly for infertility.  She suggested that I start blogging/journaling my struggles, and then if I felt open to it, to make my blog public to help educate the uneducated and the naive.  So that's just what I did and it has helped immensely. 

My most recent blogs posts have been viewed by 20-91 people.  Of those people, I'm willing to guess 50% or less are fellow infertility bloggers or others who are struggling with infertility. So, they get my blog.  In fact, many of them write posts that echo my blog.  And that's simply because we are going through a lot of the same shit.  The same feelings.  The same treatments.  Dealing with the same disappointments.  Therefore, those 50% of viewers don't need to be reminded that my blog only depicts one small portion of my life.  They don't need to be told that I'm not actually some horribly depressed, sad, lost sole ALL OF THE TIME.  Yes, we all have our days, and I have sad and depressing parts of my life, but overall, I'm a very happy, fun to be around person. Infertility is a depressing topic.  Nobody wants to be infertile.  And, if you've never yourself struggled with infertility, you will NEVER EVER understand that.  I, and others, can try to educate you.  We can open your eyes, but you will NEVER EVER feel what we feel. 

Those other 50% of people who "view" my blog are all people who are "keeping tabs" on me in one way or another.  Of those people, there are very few who actually check in with me.  Who speak to me about things other than my infertility.  Who actually see me outside of what I write in my blog.  I made my blog open and encouraged people to read it to learn about infertility and secondary infertility.  To learn about how secondary infertility can affect an otherwise normal woman.  To try to get some grasp of what I'm going through in my struggles to have another baby.  I didn't encourage people to read my blog to form an opinion about how they think my life is as a whole.  Sure,   people want to read my blog to be supportive and to educate themselves.  But, unless you are reaching out to be supportive, or reading to broaden your knowledge on infertility or secondary infertility, then I suggest you stop reading my blog. Please do not base your opinion of my life to it's entirety by this blog alone. 

I'm a fun, loving, easy to get a long with mother, wife, daughter, and friend.  I enjoy my everyday life.  I love spending each and everyday with my daughter.  I love nothing more than having dinner with friends and family.  I find great happiness in riding horses, and do it often.  I'm a hoot to be around when I've had a couple adult bev's and I'm getting my buzz on.  I have lots of friends who I love to be around, and who love to be around me.

My intention of writing this post is to remind people that this is an infertility blog.  It is my journal.  It is my therapy.  I think most people know that.  But, I'm very well aware that there are some of those 20-91 viewers that might need a quick reminder that I'm a very normal functioning member of society.  Infertility affects more people than you think.  And us infertilies are extremely strong women.  We have to face some depressing shit, yet we put our big girl panties on every single day and go on with our lives.  We have fun.  We do all the same things you do, and MORE.  So please, I encourage all of you to continue reading my blog with an open mind, and a kind heart. 

For those of you who would like to ever chat, feel free to email me darcyfaye03@msn.com

3

Beta =3
Game Over.  No bueno. Nada. Done deal. 

After over 24 hours of straight chaos and madness trying to get results, speak to someone, and have closure, I finally got the call from my nurse today that my beta was 3.  Even though I knew it was coming, I'm still heartbroken.  I'm more heartbroken over the whole picture than just this cycle.  Heartbroken that if my first pregnancy stuck, I would have a 3 month old.  Heartbroken that I would be 20 weeks with my IVF baby if it kept progressing.  Heartbroken that I have over 50 posts on my blog that are almost all related to infertility or my journey through secondary infertility.  Heartbroken that my husband and I have endured so much failure in the last two years.  Heartbroken that I will probably never get to carry, give birth, or nurse another baby.  Just plain heartbroken.  My body actually aches this time just thinking about everything I have endured with no success. 

I never felt right about this cycle.  I didn't feel right about how long it took to get never get +OPK.  I didn't feel right about the timing of the transfer.  I didn't feel like it was successful at about 4dpt.  It just didn't feel right.    Is it because the mind is a powerful thing and my mind wasn't optimistic enough?  I hardly doubt it.  I've been far too optimistic and positive about far too many cycles to no avail.  So, I don't think that my mind and attitude will decide my pregnancy fate. 

Dr. B told the nurse that he is comfortable putting both (our last two) embryos in on our next (and last) FET attempt.  As much as I was surprised by this, I wasn't at the same time.  Dr. B has always been very cautious of putting two embryos in because of my little uterus. But, I kind of knew this was coming.  I could tell over the last few discussions by his tone and his suggestions that he is losing hope in my ability to implant correctly and continue a pregnancy.  I don't blame him.  I agree with him.  Him suggesting to put the last two embryos in together tells me that he has little to no faith that both or either will implant and progress.  And, sadly, I agree.  We are going to have a phone consultation set up in a couple of weeks to go over everything.  Then, Jake and I will have plenty of time to think about what we will do since we won't be doing the next FET until August, September or October.  Honestly, I'm in NO rush to do another.  I want another break.  I want to get back to where I was working on getting to.......... letting go and moving on.  Accepting our family the way it is.  I was making some real progress until my mind and fantasies got the best of me once we started this FET.

I have so many emotions and so many things I want to write, but I'm just to jumbled to put it into words at this moment.  I'm kind of still in shock that we are still stuck in this shitty journey.  That we are still left behind.  That we are still wondering WHAT THE FUCK?

unacceptable

Yesterday was completely unacceptable.  And, I could've stopped it all, but decided not to tamper with doctor's orders.  It all starts with this annoying, unorganized, girl at the RE's office that was in charge of filling out all my blood work orders after the transfer.  The girls ALWAYS put STAT on the beta orders.  Well, not this chick.  I noticed that it didn't say STAT right before I handed it to the lab receptionist.  I thought about saying "oh, I forgot something in my car, I'll be right back" and writing STAT on there myself.  But, I didn't want it to come back on me.  I surely didn't need bad karma on my beta day.  So, I just hoped my RE office would get the results by the end of the day since I went in for blood work at 6:30am.  The whole point of me going at 6:30am was to hear results that day.

NO. SUCH. LUCK.  I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the bad news all day.  It never came.  I called the office at 2:30 and got a call back from a nurse who was NOT my favorite nurse, Courtney. Courtney was apparently out of the office yesterday.  She said they hadn't received the results and she would call me  back.  The chick never called back! Not even to say, "hey, we never received them.  Sorry.  Continue your meds and we'll check tomorrow". Nada.  This is unacceptable.  So, I believe this problem is not the labs fault at all.  There was no STAT order.  It was the dumb ass girl's who didn't write STAT and the nurse's who didn't do more to try to follow through with the lab or me.  Unacceptable.

I've been POAS like it's my job to no avail.  I started getting a shadow of a second line 8dpt.  Sometimes it's more of a shadow than others, but it isn't progressing.  It's not getting darker or getting pink, and it's still not there unless you are really looking for it.  And by looking for it, I mean using different lighting, cocking your head to just the right position, and staring at it long enough to make you go cross eyed.  That kind of looking for it.  In my completely unprofessional opinion, I'm calling another chemical pregnancy.  This is what the lines were before with my first chemical.  Just a shadow, never progressing.  This makes me so sad.  This makes me feel defeated. Like less of a woman.  If our perfect AAA, hatching embryo can't attach and thrive in my uterus, then what will? 

I've already come to terms with this attempt being a big fat FAIL.  Yes, I will still probably cry after hearing it's chemical or no go from the nurse, but I know it's coming.  I've been grieving since Wednesday.  But, I need fucking closure.  I need to hear what the number is, so that teeny tiny little bit of hope that I have can fly away, and I can move on.  I really hope to hear some answers today.  My lab is open until noon and the RE has regular hours.  Therefore, I feel like something should happen today.  If not, I have to wait until Tuesday! Totally unfair and unacceptable.  I would be more okay with it if I didn't have to continue meds.  I don't want to keep shoving progesterone up my ho-ha and putting those icky, annoying estrogen patches on my tummy if there's no need. 

Hopefully I get some answers today so that I can enjoy this three day weekend. 

Thank you, progesterone



Estrogen and Progesterone b/w - Today (5/20)
Beta - Friday (5/25)

Thank you progesterone supplements for making me a complete walking disaster.  I'm moody as all get out.  I can literally start crying over nothing.  My face is breaking out sooo bad that it hurts and is quite embarrassing.  I'm hungry  OH SO HUNGRY.  I'm nauseous, the nausea makes me want to eat carbs carbs and more carbs.  I'm trying to hold it all together for Jake and Taylor, but it is really freaking hard!  It's hard to hold back something that I cannot fully physically control.  I don't know why this cycle of progesterone seems to be so much worse than the other 5.  At least this time the dizziness isn't as bad as last time.  That's a plus.  But, seriously, I really hope it's all worth it to feel like a raging hormonal pregnant lady, when I'm not actually pregnant... yet.  I really think this time around my fear and anxiety of what's to come is mixing a horrible cocktail with the progesterone and estrogen.  Fun times, I tell ya.

I'm 5dp6dt today and I had a stark white BFN.  I actually fully expected it to be a BFN, since it's really early.  But, I'm just not feeling it this time.  I really don't feel like it worked.  Maybe this is just my way of protecting my already fragile self, only time will tell.  I do know that taking this next step of FET #1 has aided in bringing me more closure.  It's hard to explain, but it has. 

FET Transfer Complete

Today 5/15 - Embryo Transfer
Monday 5/20 - Estrogen and Progesterone blood work
Friday 5/25 - Beta pregnancy test

The transfer went great.  My lining was 8mm.  That's the same it was at the follie check u/s and is pretty good for my little unicornuate uterus.  So yay! The embryo looked fantastic.  It was a AAA 6 day that was already hatching out of the cell.  The embryologist and RE both were very impressed with it's quality.  The transfer itself went off without a hitch.  I'm now resting in bed for my 1 day of modified bed rest.  Thursday and Friday I will be taking it easy... and then I will resume normal activity Saturday.  Although I will not be going to the gym until Monday, and even then, it will be walking and extremely light weights (arms, back, shoulders, some legs.... no abs or core).

I'm more hopeful than I was last week.  But, I'm still not a beaming ray of optimism like I was with the IVF cycle.  Hope for the best.... prepare for the worst.......

This is what happens on a 5 day IVF cycle.  It's the closest thing I can find to a 6 day frozen, already hatching cycle. So, according to this, I'm more like 2dpt since RE firmly believed the embryo would implant today or tonight. Therefore, I might start POAS on Monday or Tuesday (5-6dpt), but I will try to hold out longer of course :)

5-Day Transfer http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Making some changes

For the last few days, I've been contemplating re-activating my Facebook account.  I miss my distant friends.  I miss seeing photos of my family's children.  I miss having that outlet.  But, I have changed my mind.  Although I think I'm in  a much better place mentally.  I'm stronger and I've moved on in some regards.  I don't need another distraction.  One that can potentially be harmful to my self esteem.  If my sister in law and cousins don't want to email me pictures like I've begged them to, then shame on them.  I do it for them.  In fact, I plan on making some changes.  I'm going to work very hard to be on my phone less.  To check my phone less.  To only get on the computer when Taylor AND Jake are either both asleep, or away. 

I don't think I'm overly addicted or obsessed with my phone.  I really don't. But, I'm the worst at home.  Any down time, I check my phone.  Any time Taylor wants to watch a show or play alone, I check my phone.  If I'm a passenger in the car, I check my phone.  But, it's just too much.  I want to get back to basics a little.  I want to strive to be more present in my child and husband's lives.  I think I'm a good mom, but there is room for improvement and this is one of them.    Additionally, I think being on my phone less (consulting Dr. Google, BabyCenter, Instagram) will reduce stress and improve my self esteem.

There are times, mostly brought on my secondary infertility, that I get overly obsessed with googling, hence the phone and laptop usage.  The last 20+ days has been one of those times.  I'm constantly googling things about my FET cycle, when to start POAS, checking my ATTNL group, etc etc.  I just get stuck in this obsessive state that revolves around electronic devices and I don't like it.

You see, I don't want to miss any of my precious daughter's childhood.  I want her to see me as her biggest fan. And I want to remember each and every little miracle she makes.  She is my world and I don't want to miss it.  It's unfortunate enough that the grief and infertility alone take some of that away. I don't need my pesky phone doing the same.

There are three main reasons that I want to downscale my iphone and laptop usage....
1) to be as active and involved a parent as I can be.  I don't want to miss a moment and I want to take advantage of being a mama to a toddler, as I may never have this opportunity again.
2) to let go even more of the infertility struggle and stress I face everyday
3) to continue to build my self esteem back up by not comparing myself to others on Facebook and other social networks

In order to make this happen here are my new rules for myself:
- no laptop whatsoever unless it's family included (skype with family, looking for vacations, etc) while Taylor and Jake are home/awake
- no googling on my phone unless Taylor is sleeping
- Check Instagram once a day
- Blogs are to be read/written during Taylor's morning cartoon show or while she is asleep
-text messages are to be enjoyed as that's how I keep my adult interaction.  But, I will not get up and engage in text messaging during playtime or hubby time. That can be done while Taylor is playing independently, sleeping, gymnastics, or during gym time.

By the way, this blog post, and the other ones mentioned in it are what made me finally take the leap to downscale the technology devices:
**to my friends who are still struggling with #1, please note that the above post is about being a mother to children and how to be a better, more involved mother in our technological generation**