unacceptable

Yesterday was completely unacceptable.  And, I could've stopped it all, but decided not to tamper with doctor's orders.  It all starts with this annoying, unorganized, girl at the RE's office that was in charge of filling out all my blood work orders after the transfer.  The girls ALWAYS put STAT on the beta orders.  Well, not this chick.  I noticed that it didn't say STAT right before I handed it to the lab receptionist.  I thought about saying "oh, I forgot something in my car, I'll be right back" and writing STAT on there myself.  But, I didn't want it to come back on me.  I surely didn't need bad karma on my beta day.  So, I just hoped my RE office would get the results by the end of the day since I went in for blood work at 6:30am.  The whole point of me going at 6:30am was to hear results that day.

NO. SUCH. LUCK.  I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the bad news all day.  It never came.  I called the office at 2:30 and got a call back from a nurse who was NOT my favorite nurse, Courtney. Courtney was apparently out of the office yesterday.  She said they hadn't received the results and she would call me  back.  The chick never called back! Not even to say, "hey, we never received them.  Sorry.  Continue your meds and we'll check tomorrow". Nada.  This is unacceptable.  So, I believe this problem is not the labs fault at all.  There was no STAT order.  It was the dumb ass girl's who didn't write STAT and the nurse's who didn't do more to try to follow through with the lab or me.  Unacceptable.

I've been POAS like it's my job to no avail.  I started getting a shadow of a second line 8dpt.  Sometimes it's more of a shadow than others, but it isn't progressing.  It's not getting darker or getting pink, and it's still not there unless you are really looking for it.  And by looking for it, I mean using different lighting, cocking your head to just the right position, and staring at it long enough to make you go cross eyed.  That kind of looking for it.  In my completely unprofessional opinion, I'm calling another chemical pregnancy.  This is what the lines were before with my first chemical.  Just a shadow, never progressing.  This makes me so sad.  This makes me feel defeated. Like less of a woman.  If our perfect AAA, hatching embryo can't attach and thrive in my uterus, then what will? 

I've already come to terms with this attempt being a big fat FAIL.  Yes, I will still probably cry after hearing it's chemical or no go from the nurse, but I know it's coming.  I've been grieving since Wednesday.  But, I need fucking closure.  I need to hear what the number is, so that teeny tiny little bit of hope that I have can fly away, and I can move on.  I really hope to hear some answers today.  My lab is open until noon and the RE has regular hours.  Therefore, I feel like something should happen today.  If not, I have to wait until Tuesday! Totally unfair and unacceptable.  I would be more okay with it if I didn't have to continue meds.  I don't want to keep shoving progesterone up my ho-ha and putting those icky, annoying estrogen patches on my tummy if there's no need. 

Hopefully I get some answers today so that I can enjoy this three day weekend.