3

Beta =3
Game Over.  No bueno. Nada. Done deal. 

After over 24 hours of straight chaos and madness trying to get results, speak to someone, and have closure, I finally got the call from my nurse today that my beta was 3.  Even though I knew it was coming, I'm still heartbroken.  I'm more heartbroken over the whole picture than just this cycle.  Heartbroken that if my first pregnancy stuck, I would have a 3 month old.  Heartbroken that I would be 20 weeks with my IVF baby if it kept progressing.  Heartbroken that I have over 50 posts on my blog that are almost all related to infertility or my journey through secondary infertility.  Heartbroken that my husband and I have endured so much failure in the last two years.  Heartbroken that I will probably never get to carry, give birth, or nurse another baby.  Just plain heartbroken.  My body actually aches this time just thinking about everything I have endured with no success. 

I never felt right about this cycle.  I didn't feel right about how long it took to get never get +OPK.  I didn't feel right about the timing of the transfer.  I didn't feel like it was successful at about 4dpt.  It just didn't feel right.    Is it because the mind is a powerful thing and my mind wasn't optimistic enough?  I hardly doubt it.  I've been far too optimistic and positive about far too many cycles to no avail.  So, I don't think that my mind and attitude will decide my pregnancy fate. 

Dr. B told the nurse that he is comfortable putting both (our last two) embryos in on our next (and last) FET attempt.  As much as I was surprised by this, I wasn't at the same time.  Dr. B has always been very cautious of putting two embryos in because of my little uterus. But, I kind of knew this was coming.  I could tell over the last few discussions by his tone and his suggestions that he is losing hope in my ability to implant correctly and continue a pregnancy.  I don't blame him.  I agree with him.  Him suggesting to put the last two embryos in together tells me that he has little to no faith that both or either will implant and progress.  And, sadly, I agree.  We are going to have a phone consultation set up in a couple of weeks to go over everything.  Then, Jake and I will have plenty of time to think about what we will do since we won't be doing the next FET until August, September or October.  Honestly, I'm in NO rush to do another.  I want another break.  I want to get back to where I was working on getting to.......... letting go and moving on.  Accepting our family the way it is.  I was making some real progress until my mind and fantasies got the best of me once we started this FET.

I have so many emotions and so many things I want to write, but I'm just to jumbled to put it into words at this moment.  I'm kind of still in shock that we are still stuck in this shitty journey.  That we are still left behind.  That we are still wondering WHAT THE FUCK?