crazy brain

I have a love hate relationship with medicated cycles.  I love that our chances of having another child... our rainbow baby, are higher.  I hate that even when I try to not let them take over my every thought, they timing, traveling, hope, fear, and everything related to a medicated cycle IT DOES.  There is a lot to think about.  This time it was OPKs, calendars, dates, progesterone suppositories, estrogen patches, making sure I have enough fat in my diet, not drinking too much coffee, and having the ideal exercise regime.  Now, I know that all of that is not necessary, but if we are going to spend 3K on this, not including meds and gas and I'm going to get my hopes up a teeny tiny bit, I want to do everything I can to ensure my body is ready. 

But, at some point, I have to chillax a little bit.  The last few days I have been on edge.  My mind is so focused on the FET and all that comes with it.  I've been bitchy with Jake.  I've been on edge with Taylor.  And, this is not okay with me.  I'm living in the moment, and the moment happens to be one that includes a lot of stress.  But, in order to appreciate and enjoy what's right in front of me (an amazing husband and a wonderful little girl) I need to just go with the flow.  Try to focus on them and not worry about all the small things related to the FET.  I have had such a short fuse with Taylor and her 3 year old-isms, and I feel horribly guilty.  So, starting today, I'm going to do my very best to focus on her.  Focus on activities and fun things with her.  Keep my mind on her.