Ramblings from my emotional rollercoaster

Today's post is a bunch of random thoughts I have been dealing with.  I feel a release once I write them down, and read it back to myself.  So here it is......

It's been a week since I miscarried, what a long and emotional week it's been.  I'm still sad, I'm still mourning, still angry, still in a haze, still wondering why this is happening.  I think I will be this way for awhile.  I'm filled with so many emotions about this whole experience, that it's quite overwhelming.  I told myself that I needed to do IVF in order to know that I tried everything... took the last step.... and then I could move on.  I could let go.  In a way I feel I'm letting go and moving on.  But, the reality is, I desperately want a baby. 

We both want a sibling for Taylor more than anything in the world.  As much as I adore my daughter and spending every single day with her, it can be exhausting having an only child.  No playmate for her. I try very hard to keep her socialized, and she is very social, but when we are at home, I can't help but feel guilty about her not having a little playmate.... even one on the way.  It seriously crushes me.  But, I am trying to move on and look at the positives.  I re-read one of the very inspirational blogs that I follow, and felt more connected to it now than ever.  In this post, she describes how she started to see the positives of having an only child.  I'm getting there. I'm starting to change my thinking.... not because I want to, but because I have to.  For my own sanity.  For my family's sanity. 

It's very hard to let go of something you have dreamed and wished and prayed about for years and years and years.  Extremely hard.  I want so badly to have control over the situation.  But, I'm not in control.  I was never in control.  God and Mother Nature are in control.

IVF did bring some sort of release, but there are still possible chances left over from IVF.  We have two tubes, one with one embryo and another with two, sitting on ice.  So, it's really not over yet.  I'm not as hopeful that these will make it, but hey it's worth two more shots.  We have two more chances of bringing home a baby that are much higher than naturally TTC.  Money is now the factor that will determine when these FETs will be done.  Fortunately, we will be getting just enough money back from taxes to help us with the first FET.  So, we have decided to move forward with that as soon as my body regulates and we get the RE's okay.  If FET #1 is not successful, we will most likely wait until October/November of this year for FET#2.  We will be busy with fun trips and family stuff on and off through November, and I don't want a FET getting in the way or putting a strain on finances that will be used for fun. 

I feel lost.  Confused.  My emotions are all over the place.  A friend of mine gave me a daily devotions book written by Sarah Young.  It has been calling to me.  The words seem to speak directly to me everyday.  I'm doing my best to accept that all of this is beyond my control.  I'm getting back into my yoga and running routine, which will hopefully help me get back to living in the moment. 

That damn unicorn in my uterus!

Part of me still feels like this is some sick dream that hasn't ended.  I'm in a very weird, vulnerable, woe is me, bad case of the why's, state of mind.  But, simultaneously, I feel like I'm handling this all pretty well and that I'm doing a pretty damn good job at staying strong for myself, my daughter, and my family.  But, let's be honest.  This fucking sucks.  How shitty is it to take birth control while actually trying to get pregnant, then give yourself oodles of shots, puts thousands upon thousands of miles on your car and spend time away from your beloved child..... hope, dream, pray........ Then, to find out your IVF attempt was successful.... to feel that gratitude, love, relief, thankfulness... to have morning sickness, sore boobs, bloating, and even the start of a baby bump and love every minute of it.... to end up bleeding two weeks later and be told everything will be just fine, this is totally normal..... to go in for an ultrasound BY YOURSELF hoping to see a heartbeat, just to find out the pregnancy isn't progressing and you would have to terminate it yourself.  Horrible. Miserable.  Honestly, I can't believe how many women have to go through this and are expected to just move on.  What a horrible thing to go through.

I keep trying to look at the positives, to move on, to think about today and not worry or feel sorrow for yesterday.  But, I'm totally not there yet.  I will be.  I will be okay, but I'm not yet. 

The thing that pisses me off about all of this is that I have absolutely NO control over any of it, and that is so so hard.  My RE is pretty sure that my unicornuate uterus is to blame for both the CP and this loss. I agree with him 100%  Therefore, there is absolutely nothing that either him nor I can do about it.  Yes, we can keep trying.  We can use the frozen embryos and attempt 1-2 FET cycles.  But nothing is guaranteed.  Yes, I carried a child to term before, but that just seems to become more and more of a blessing, a miracle, and rare case than support that I can do it again.  There is so little information on UU's.  So little that my RE seems stumped most the time... and he was referred as the best in SoCA for this.  Lame, huh?   I'm not knocking my RE at all, he's doing a damn good job, but UU's are just extremely rare.  Studies do show that miscarriage and chemical pregnancy rates are severely higher with UU.  Implantation rates seem to be lower.  Usually people get pregnant with ease (not the case this time, but it was with Taylor), but then suffer with failure to implant, miscarriage, or not carrying to term (aka stillborn or preemies).  The odds don't seem to be in my favor. 

All of this makes me appreciate my sweet miracle child more and more.  I hope one day I do get to deliver another child, OR I hope that I one day find the strength and courage to let go and move on.  I'm not there yet.  I long for another child still.  I'm not ready to give up.  But, maybe I should. I don't know.  I was lucky enough to carry a baby to 39w4d.  Maybe I shouldn't chance having more issues.  Maybe there is a reason that my body isn't letting me do this again.  Maybe it cannot handle it, and I am playing with fire trying to get it to do something it doesn't want to. I really don't know. 

So, now what?

Where do we go from here?  Do we keep on trucking and prepare for FET #1 and Possible FET #1 (aka frozen embryo transfer).  After all, we do have 3 blastocysts frozen and waiting.  One grade A+ in a tube by itself and a A- & B+ in a tube together.  So, hopefully, all blasts survive the thaw and we get two (if need be) chances at this frozen embryo transfer thing.  Dr. B said that some people like to just keep going and not take much of a break.  When he first told me that, I was in a haze, and I couldn't even fathom moving on after this miscarriage.  But now, just two LONG days later, I'm contemplating when to start the FET process.  I know for sure that I want a one cycle break.  I want to detox my body, do some soul searching, and get back in the gym for awhile.  But, maybe we will be ready again in March or April?  Maybe?  I think I will be ready before the hubby.  Getting him on board with IVF in the first place was difficult.  Getting him to try again is going to be difficult.  And, I wont pursue it without his 100% approval.  We are a team.  We both have to want this.  He is my best friend and is def my better half.  I will not make a decision that will put a strain on our marriage.  EVER. 

You might be reading this thinking "Gosh, she seems so positive and upbeat about this"... "How is she ready to move on already".... "How can she even be thinking about FET already".  And the answer is I don't really know.  I'm a hot mess.  But, I'm also amazed at my strength right now.  I think it's easier for me to keep focusing on what we have left (3 frosties) and keep on trucking until it's all gone.  Then, if nothing, we're done.  There's nothing left waiting for us.  There are no more IVF attempts.  At that point it's all left to "if it happens, it happens". I thought of holding out for months to do a FET sounds like torture to me.  Why wait it out?  Why not just give my body enough time to heal and adjust and then try again? 

I don't know what we will do yet.  I haven't even brought up the issue to Jake.  He might faint if I bring it up yet.  I will probably wait until my beta's drop below 5 to start discussing with Jake and the RE.  In the small amount of soul searching I've done, I know I'm not ready to give up yet.  I know I can't just let those frosties go.  I want to use up all our tries before giving up.  I'm a fighter.  I'm strong.  I like to move on. 

waiting for it to be over

This pregnancy, that is. Today's ultrasound showed that the baby has not grown at all in 10 days. There was no heartbeat. Not even a flicker. Both REs were 100% positive that the pregnancy isn't viable... I am 7weeks4days today.

I am sad, devastated, pissed, confused, embarrassed, insecure, hurt, and feeling betrayed by my body. 

At this moment I can't even explain how shitty this all is. How can my body betray me? How can mother nature betray me?  How come my prayers seem to be continually unanswered? 

It has been over 3 hours since I took Misoprostol to pass the baby.  I haven't even started cramping yet.  If nothing in another 2 hours, I will take another dose of the pills. I just want it to be over.  I feel like this is all just one horrible dream that I will wake up from in the morning, but it's not.  This is reality.  IVF #1 was a success, but it wasn't viable.  :(

I don't yet know where we will go from here.  We have 3 frozen embryos.  Two grade A and one grade B.  We are not yet sure we can endure all of this pain and heartache again.  But, we aren't yet sure if we are truly ready to give up.  We were so close, yet to far. 

I'm embarrassed and pissed off at myself for telling anybody but Jake.  Yes, I find comfort in the love and support I am receiving from friends and family, but I feel bad and embarrassed telling them it's all over.  I feel horrible that I have to tell my sweet little girl that she isn't a big sister and that mommy's baby isn't growing big anymore.  I feel horrible that my parents and in-laws will have to grieve this baby, too.

Life just isn't fair.  I'm living in the moment and mourning what should've been. 

If you're reading this please pray or send positive vibes our way.  That Jake and I can maintain our sanity and mourn appropriately.  That I have no further complications.  That I can endure the questions that will arise from the beautiful, question asking daughter.

longing to live in the moment

Live for the moment.  Live for today.  Live for the present.  Don't think about the past or the future.  Try not to worry about what happened before or what will happen after today, because it will not change the outcome of this moment.  Inhale the good, exhale the bad.  Take what you practice mentally in yoga, and apply it to your real world situations
         ----------- These are all things that both of my yoga teachers repeat over and over and over again during sessions. 

I have become a better yoga student.  I have learned how to use my breath to really bring me to a different state.  I have learned how to truly enjoy savasana at the end of class.  I have learned to value my body for the things it does for me on a daily basis.  I have learned how to listen to my body on any particular day.  But, my problem thus far is that I seem to check it all at the door when I step back into the real world.  What???.....  Not following the teacher's directions?!?  I'm supposed to live in the moment and not dwell on the future or the past, and that will lead me to true inner peace!!! I might get and A for effort during class, but I definitely get an F for applying it to other aspects of my life. 

Learning to let go of the past and not stress about the future is one of the hardest battles for me. I'm a planner.  I'm type A all the way.  I forgive, but I have a hard time forgetting.  I find myself reliving past experiences that bring unwanted emotions.  I fear failure. These qualities make it really hard to live in the moment, like I so long to do.  But, I must say that the practice of yoga, prayer, blogging, and my absence on Facebook is making a difference. 

I must work on applying this to my current situation. On Friday, I will be 7 weeks pregnant.  I haven't had anymore episodes of bleeding, even spotting, since Monday night.  I think I've got over the initial shock of bleeding.  I was living in the moment of panic and worry, and that's okay because that's what was happening at that moment. But, now that I'm not spotting, I need to forget about the past and live in the current moment remembering that TODAY, I AM PREGNANT.   And, instead of worrying  about what I might or might not see at the ultrasound next Tuesday, I just need to bask in the glory that our IVF was successful to this point forward.  I will deal with the ultrasound when that day arrives. 

Of course I can't just flip a switch and make myself become a perfect yogi and consistently find my inner peace, but I can try.  I can take deep cleansing breaths when I find myself worrying about the past or future.  "Inhale the good shit, exhale the bad shit" (I saw this once on a yoga shirt and loved it haha).  I can focus on the now.  Being pregnant.  Have a wonderful, witty, stubborn, beautiful, and loving daughter.  Having an  uber amazing husband.  Having the best mom and dad a girl could ever ask for.  Having some of the best friends in the entire world.  These things are worth living in the moment. 

 

I must say, I do have one amazing little family <3

 

Namaste :)

6 weeks and bleeding

Every single time I use the restroom, I check the TP for blood.  It's a huge fear of mine.  Well, first thing this morning, there was blood.  I sat there in disbelief. Scared to death of what this meant.  Scared to tell Jake.  Scared to look at Taylor and think that I might have to tell her that there is no longer going to be a baby in mommy's tummy.  SCARED SHITLESS!!!!! This was at 6:10a.m.  I told Jake, cried a little bit, Googled  a little bit, and then checked again. The red blood had already subsided to a barely there, brown blood.  This is a good sign, if there is a good sign when bleeding during pregnancy. 

At 7:00a.m., I decided it was time to call the RE's office and see if they could page DR. B.  I was sure he was on his way to work as he started Saturday appts at 8:00 and lived 45 minutes away. Sure enough, I got to chat with him.  At that point he didn't seem worried, but told me I could come in today instead of tomorrow.  I jumped all over that offer.  By noon, I was laying on the table hoping and praying that everything was normal.  Nothing was normal. 

First off, Dr. B thought the sac was very low in the placenta (not good) and that I had a fibriod tumor!!! What the heck?!?  He called in for back up.  Dr. Kumar is supposed to be the techy guru of the bunch.  Dr. Kumar instantly disagreed with Dr. B, and said that the sac was high in the placenta and that it wasn't a fibroid tumor, instead it was a subchronic hemorrhage/hematoma.  Basically, a SCH is a sac of built up blood near the lining of the placenta that needs to disappear.  It can cause bleeding because some of it will "leak" out instead of absorbing into the placenta.  A SCH doesn't necessarily higher the chances of a miscarriage, but it's a "wait and see" kind of game. 

I was very glad to learn that I didn't have a tumor growing, and that the sac wasn't about to jump ship out of my placenta just yet. But, What the F**K did my RE smoke this morning???  And, it's still scary as shit to find out that you have yet another thing to worry about.  Another scary road bump.  I wanted Dr. B, to tell me "ya, everything looks fine, now go home and exercise and carry on your life."  Instead, he seemed nervous.  When I asked him how he felt about the viability, he said it's the same as when we asked him at the transfer, upwards of 50%.  I would like 80%+, but I'll take it over, "you're miscarrying right now". 

Being that I'm only 6w1d pregnant today, I pretty much figured we wouldn't see or hear a heartbeat.  I knew they would look for a good placement of a sac, and a fetal pole. We saw both of those.  So, that's great.  But, there was no heartbeat. From what they led on, neither RE even checked for a heartbeat.  Neither RE even said anything about a heartbeat.  I've been Googling way to much (shame on me) and see many women getting strong HB's at 6 weeks?  Seriously?  I know we didn't hear and see one with Taylor until 8 weeks.  But, I can't help but wonder if it's weird that they didn't mention it????

My restrictions are pelvic rest (aka no sex), no horse riding, no exercise except walking, no unnecessary lifting. That basically means I can lift Taylor when she needs me, but nothing more, and try to have others carry her when possible. 

All in all I'm tying to stay positive.  I'm still pregnant, and it's completely out of my hands. 

Please continue to pray for us.  Please send positive thoughts and prayers that this pregnancy progresses and is viable.  Please pray that the hematoma takes care of itself and has reduced by my appointment in 10 days.  Please pray and send positive vibes that I keep my sanity, and that we can have peace and strength. 

A bad case of the What If's

It's been 10 days since I got my BFP and my first positive beta #.  It's still surreal.  I still feel like I'm in a dream.  While I'm overjoyed, to say the least, I'm still in this weird haze.  It's different finding out I'm pregnant this time than it was with our little miracle daughter.  With her, I had no worries.  I was pregnant and that was it.  I knew that a miscarriage was always a possibility, but I didn't let it bring me down.  I went wake boarding (I was extremely careful and didn't do any tricks) the morning before we broke the news to our parents.  I didn't second guess every activity, every food, every move.  I just let the pregnancy be.

In the last 10 days, I've thrown out my chapstick, face  moisturizer, and over thought just about every move I make.  After trying for so long and putting so much into getting pregnant, it's hard not to worry.  I'm so nervous that this baby will be taken from us.  I'm trying to be happy, and I SINCERELY AM, but at the same time, I'm scared.  What if we get to our ultrasound on Sunday and there is nothing there?  That is a possibility.  What if?  God, I hope not, but I can't help but worry.  We've told quite a few people that we are pregnant.  We've limited it to people that we've been open about the whole IVF process, since we would've told them whether it worked or not.  We will not be telling anybody else until after we hear the heartbeat..... at the earliest.  But, I still have this worry that maybe we told too many?  What if I have to tell them all that it wasn't viable?  God, I hope not.  Hey, at least I will have a huge circle of support.  That's why we included them in our IVF process anyways, right?

I'm trying extremely hard to stay positive.  I think it will me much easier once I hear the heartbeat, and even more so once we are out of the first trimester.  7 more weeks.  

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  Jake, Taylor, and I are overjoyed and so thankful.  But, Jake and I are still very cautious and nervous.  Please pray for us to stay positive and strong. To give us the ability to bask in the joy of this as we so dearly want to be able to.